Yu-Gi-OhMon
by StupidStory
Summary: A multiple crossover story that's mainly Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon, overrun with one-off cameos and plots that don't really lead anywhere. It was written for Nanowrimo, the whole thing is over 50,000 words long, and I just made up the whole thing as I went along. No coherent plot, just a ton of weird stuff happening, weird even by my standards. Don't feel like uploading it all at once.
1. Weirdness Protection

**Chapter 1: Weirdness Protection**

Jonouchi, Yuugi, Honda, Anzu, and Bakura were running from a masked man wielding a knife.

"I am going to cut you up," the masked man snarled. He threw the knife. Yuugi caught it in his teeth. He then took a bite out of it and swallowed it. The masked man gasped in confusion. Atem emerged.

"I once made a man set himself on fire," he said threateningly with a slight evil chuckle. The masked man pulled Noah out of his pocket and slit his throat. Noah fell to the ground in a heap on the ground. Everybody laughed. "Pssh, Noah. No one cares about him. It is because of him that we all had to suffer through the most pointless, boring filler arc ever. It couldn't have come at a worse time. I really wanted to get on with the Battle City finals, but no, that would be too easy. They seem to have taken a page from the Pokemon Johto saga." The masked man grabbed Mai out of his pocket.

"NOT HER! I love her! I was even thinking about proposing!" Jonouchi raged. He ran to the masked man, fists swinging.

"Jonouchi, NO!" Atem screamed. "Mister masked man, do you play duel monsters?"

"Who doesn't in this day and age? Heck, even the terrorist group that I am part of called ZEUS, which is the equivalent to ISIS in the world that this author lives in, plays children's' card games." Never before had the card game clique dealt with anyone proclaiming to be a terrorist.

The next day they took the bus to school only to find out that their school was reduced to a pile of rubble.

"Yay, no more school!" Jonouchi, Yuugi, and Anzu all cheered. "Now we can play children's card games to our hearts' content without worrying about our grades."

"NO, NO NO! You're supposed to feel scared!" The masked man scolded. "I wish you guys liked school. Then you would actually feel bad."

Yuugi walked about 5 miles back home and checked his Facebook. What he saw made him gasp. He found out his account had been hacked. The hacker had disclosed his phone number, his Social Security Number, home address, credit card number, and all his social media passwords. Yuugi had a feeling that things just got a lot more serious. He also had a feeling that the masked man was behind this too. Oh wait, I forgot to mention. The guy who attacked them before and blew up their school, he wasn't really actually wearing a mask. It was a black balaclava. He was dressed kinda like a ninja. He looked similar to the images of those people from ISIS you might have seen on the news.

"I am seriously thinking on joining Witness Protection," Yuugi said. "I have to round up everyone I ever interacted with that has played a significant role in the Yu-Gi-Oh anime and tell them to get the hell out of here, since ZEUS is encroaching on our city, and we have an opinion that is different from them."

"We don't have to do that," Atem said. "Ever since the beginning of time, mankind has always resolved their differences by playing a children's card game. I mean, look at the Bible. After God created the Earth and put Adam and Eve on it, Satan, possessing a serpent, challenged them to a duel. Adam and Eve lost, so they had to eat from the tree. And then there was also that time when David challenged Goliath to a duel, and David won. And then finally in Revelation, Jesus will challenge Satan to a duel, and the loser gets chucked into the lake of fire for eternity. Of course, we know that Satan will lose that one because destiny says so."

"Nah," Yuugi said. "I don't like his breath. I can smell it even from about twenty feet away."

"Yeah, good point," Atem agreed. "We should all join the Witness Protection Program."

Yuugi messaged all his Facebook friends (they all had also been hacked) and told them they should all join the Witness Protection Program so that they can be permanently under the radar from ZEUS once and for all.

The FBI had assigned them new names. Yuugi became Yugi, Anzu became Tea, Honda had become Tristan, Bakura became Bakura, Mokuba became Mokuba, and Seto became Seto. Death had become The Shadow Realm. Yup. Even Death was afraid of the terrorist group ZEUS.

They moved away from Tokyo Japan to Domino City, New York. They would begin their new lives as the United States dub of Yu-Gi-Oh. Screw you, 4Kids. It would have been more interesting to see Yugi and Yami beat the snot out of ZEUS. But no, that probably would have involved death, and that's not something that 4Kids can tolerate. Oh yeah, and Atem was now known as Yami Yugi, or Dark Yugi, or Yu-Gi-Oh. Aaah, they said it!

"Shoot, I forgot my new name," Bakura complained.

"Same here," Seto said.

"Me too as well," said Mokuba.


	2. Makuhita's Head

**Chapter 2: Makuhita's Head**

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, on a different planet where time literally stands still, Red from Palette Town lost the Kalos league, as per usual.

"That was all the Pokemon leagues on this Arceus-foresaken planet. I need to move to a different planet, see if there are extraterrestrial Pokemon, and if so, extraterrestrial Pokemon leagues." Red was still ten years old. His Pikachu was still at level 9001 or level 3 depending on the writer. If memory serves me correct, he can breathe in space in the Victini movie, and if I am wrong then I will look stupid when I get to one of these next parts.

"Hey, that's the kid who lost every single Pokemon league!" The paparazzi was chasing after him. They tend to do that for any trainer with such an awful Pokemon league track record. And by 'any trainer' I mean any trainer that is named Red and is that particular Pokemon trainer. Red ran away, trying to confuse the paparazzi. He headed toward Mt. Silver, where he lived as a hermit for the next few hundred moments. There was no paparazzi but a trainer named Gold showed up to challenge him. Red put on an autistic charade cuz that makes him somehow seem more badass.

Gold sent out Arceus. Red sent out Blastoise, which completely curbstomped Gold's entire team of legendaries. Red sniffed his arm pits. He had serious body odor. So serious that he could be a poison Pokemon.

As soon as he exited Mt. Silver, the paparazzi was waiting outside for him. He just could not evade them. One of the members of the paparazzi was holding his right hand with his fingers and thumb forming a circle, and said "One does not simply evade the paparazzi."

"Go, Charizard!" Red sent out Charizard. "Use flamethrower on them. Burn them all to a crisp." Charizard breathed a huge plume of fire at the crowd of snapping camera holders. The paparazzi were shown burning in disturbingly realistic and graphic detail. They all screamed in agony at their skin being on fire. The flames damaged each layer of skin one by one, until they were burned down to the bone. Their cameras also melted.

"Nice work Charizard. Return."

I don't know nearly all the details of the process involved in legally changing one's name, and Red doesn't either, so rather than just randomly take a random shot in the dark or do tons of boring research, I'm just gonna make him make someone do something.

Red went to sleep one night, let Pikachu out of his Pokeball, took it outside in the town square, and taped a note to its back that read 'Dear Team Rocket. I don't want Pikachu anymore. You can have him. Love, Red."

Not too terribly far away, Team Rocket were hiding in a bush. They wore nothing more than a fake glasses and nose disguise. As far as Red was concerned, they were not Team Rocket, but that did not matter because he was asleep. Jessie, James, and Meowth were lamenting about things always being in the status quo.

"Why is it that any time we have a taste of happiness it's always taken away from us? It's like we're not allowed to ever be happy." Jessie moaned.

"I know, right," James nodded.

"Just like that song says. You don't know what you got until it's gone." Meowth half-sung.

"The twerp is probably asleep right now, so I think this is the perfect time to nab his Pikachu." Jessie rubbed her hands together.

They saw something in the town square that they were quite surprised to see. It was Pikachu, with a note written on it.

"Wow, this is the perfect opportunity. The twerp is nowhere in sight, and his Pikachu is completely unguarded." James said joyfully. "Oh, and what's this? There is a note taped to the back of his head. It says 'Dear Team Rocket. I don't want Pikachu anymore. You can have him. Love, Red.' We have never, ever had an easier opportunity than this. This is going to be easier than pie. Such an opportunity only comes once in a lifetime. It's like an open interviews event, except instead of interviews, it's the actual hiring, no process involved."

"Hang on a sec," Meowth protested. "How do you know it's not a trap?"

"Dude, he's not a villain, so why would he do something that normally only bad guys do?" Jessie wondered.

"Hey yeah, good point," Meowth agreed.

The Team Rocket trio put a burlap bag over Red's Pikachu and tied up the end of the bag. Or they would have if they had one. They could not find a bag anywhere to use, nor any caging devices. Searching the surrounding area, a wild Makuhita appeared. Jessie sent out Arbok and told it to use wrap. When she gave the signal, James and Meowth began untying Makuhita's head, since, you know, its head is a bag. Its brain was revealed in all its glory. Meowth began feeling hungry, so he took a bite out of Makuhita's brain.

"Mmm, tastes like Moltres. Oh nice, now I feel about 20 percent smarter. The sum of the square roots of any two sides of a right triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side."

"That's the squares, you idiot!" Jessie pointed out. "And it doesn't apply just to any 2 sides. It should be 'the sum of the squares of the legs of a right triangle is equal to the square of the hypotenuse. It's A squared plus B squared equals C squared, not the square root of A plus the square root of B equals the square root of C."

They wrapped Pikachu up in Makuhita's head and tied the bag in a knot. "I hope they don't arrest us for Pokemon abuse," James commented.

"Why would they? Various stores have been reporting shortages in bags and numerous bag factories are shutting down due to the sagging economy. So by now they have officially ruled untying a Makuhita's head as being legal. It no longer counts as Pokemon abuse even tho the Makuhita will get killed in the process. Desperate times call for desperate measures," Jessie reminded them. She dialed Giovanni on her Average Intelligence phone. "Hello, boss. We finally nabbed the twerp's Pikachu. I can't believe he would finally throw in the towel after 18 long years of us trying to capture his Pikachu and constantly failing, and then being hurled skyward followed by falling a distance that would kill a normal person."

"Good job, sport," Giovanni said warmly. "I knew I could count on you. I didn't think it was possible to maintain patience that long. Not firing you no matter how much I wanted to was the best decision I ever made. For the first time in forever, you actually have earned a paycheck." When Giovanni said 'for the first time in forever' he sung it like Anna from Frozen.

"See ya," Jessie hung up, and the trio got in their half-track and fled the scene, holding the Makuhita head bag with Pikachu inside.

Red woke up. The first thing he did after getting out of bed was visiting the town square. Nah, just kidding. The first thing he did was lick his elbow. Then he actually went to the town square to check whether or not his Pikachu was stolen. Yup, his Pikachu that he specifically left there for Team Rocket to steal wasn't there anymore. Alright. Time for the next phase of my plan. There were tire tracks leading from the scene. They were unmistakably belonging to a half-track, and he knew that Team Rocket owned one.

Red sent out Charizard and got on its back. And waited. And waited.

"Oh come on, fly my pretty." Charizard stayed put. "You fly around the battle field sometimes. Please put that skill to use." Charized uttered a combination of moans and grunts.

"You never learned fly? BUT YOU HAVE WINGS! You have to be able to fly. Heck, Weepinbell and Geodude float, and I've seen them carry a three hundred pound man over a river. Granted, they didn't know fly specifically, but in their defense I wouldn't consider that flying. I think they theoretically could learn fly." Charizard got a headache from Red's pondering.

Red climbed on Charizard's back and Charizard took off flying. Charizard flew down the side of a tall building. Red screamed in joy but his face looked scared. Two non-consecutive animation frames showed a topless woman in someone's window.

Charizard followed the trail of the half-track quite a ways. He had a hunch that it would lead all the way to Viridian city in Kanto, and sure enough, his hunch was correct. He felt so nostalgic. He went over the plan mentally, just to refresh himself.

Whenever they give Pikachu to the boss and get their paychecks, I will steal their debit cards and use them to buy drugs, hopefully sullying their good name. Surely they will want to take drastic revenge against me such that I will want to join the Witness Protection program so that I can change my name and with a new name comes people hopefully forgetting about the fact that I have never won a Pokemon league tournament. Also, I plan to sneak in there and grab Pikachu without being noticed. If that fails, I have a back-up plan. I will capture a replacement Pikachu from the wild and pretend it's the Pikachu I've known since I was ten years old, even tho I am still ten.

Red snuck behind the doorway leading into the Viridian city gym. When no one was looking, he wrote 'Beware of pickpockets' on the back side of a poster board that he had stolen from some poor unfortunate kid, and this poster board happened to be their partially completed social studies project that was due tomorrow. Red was thankful that he didn't have to go to school since Pokemon is such serious business. In fact, he remembered this one time he went to church. It was actually the only time he ever went to church. He was studying the book of Genesis, and the pastor was talking about how much serious business that Pokemon battles really are.

"Ever since the beginning of time, mankind has always resolved their differences by challenging each other to a Pokemon battle. I mean, look at the Bible. After Arceus created the Earth and put Adam and Eve on it, Giratina, possessing a Seviper, challenged them to a Pokemon battle. Adam and Eve lost, so they had to eat from the tree. And then there was also that time when David challenged Goliath to a Pokemon battle, and David won. And then finally in Revelation, the son of Arceus will challenge Giratina to a Pokemon battle, and the loser gets chucked into the lake of fire for eternity. Of course, we know that Giratina will lose that one because destiny says so."

Jessie and James were checking their pockets to make sure they had their wallets. Red quietly sent out Venusaur. Ha ha. Now we know where they keep their valuables that they take with them. "Venusaur, use vine whip to take their wallets out of their pockets," Red whispered. Venusaur did as instructed.

"Nice work Return." Red made off with the wallets. On his way out, he encountered a wild Weedle. He sent out Venusaur. Immediately after he made Venusaur return and he ran. He did this with every wild Pokemon he encountered on that route. He was heading back to Palette town so that he could find a computer that could do stuff besides turn his Pokemon into Digimon. Shortly before heading home he stopped at an ATM. "Dang, what is their pin number again?" He sat there for however long it takes one to press all combinations of four digits using each of the digits zero thru nine. Nah, just kidding. Red was surprised that typing 0000 as a pin number worked. Oh wait, no, I was right the first time. He started at 9999 and worked his way down to 0000. When he checked their balance, Red's eyes stretched out of their sockets, accompanied by a jalopy horn sound effect. They had over six million yen in their balance. He wondered how they got that much money when they almost never got paid. He then remembered that no one really needs jobs in the Pokemon universe. Trainers can just make money by beating other trainers in a battle, and wild Pokemon can also make money, but they never really buy anything, and since keeping the money for themselves forever would make those yen figures not really part of circulation anymore, it hurts the economy whenever a trainer loses a wild Pokemon battle. Team Rocket probably defeat trainers in battle regularly, I guess when they have a plan that needs serious dough in order to pull off, like their giant robotic Wobbuffet or their super massive black hole that tried to suck in Arceus in that one Johto episode that I missed. Oh wait, no, it couldn't have been a Johto episode. It's too interesting sounding to be a Johto episode. Johto episodes got more formulaic than Fairly Oddparents episodes and more filler than Moment of Truth. Okay, enough being off track. Red finally made it home safely, thank Arceus.

Red got on his mom's computer and ordered some drugs on Amazon using the debit cards he stole from Team Rocket. He had ordered a bunch of meth, weed, crack, and krokodil (if you don't know what that last one is, DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. Tho you probably will anyway just out of curiosity.) He vaguely remembered listening to a particular rap song that told him that he should smoke weed every day.

Red's drugs arrived via delivery drone. He used his Charizard's tail to light the first joint. He turned on Disney's Alice in Wonderland and watched it while smoking his precious weed. He was watching it on VHS. Almost nobody used that anymore or even knew what this primitive technology was. One of the trailers that came on before the feature presentation was for a direct to video sequel called 'Alice in Wonderland 2: Return to Wonderland.' There were also trailers for The Great Mouse Detective 2, The Little Mermaid 4, Cinderella 4, Hercules 2, Snow White 2, Sleeping Beauty 2, and Jaws 19. They were all straight to video as well, except for Jaws 19.

After that was over, he had smoked about 30 joints throughout the movie, each time feeling higher than the last. He started his meth while watching Beatles Yellow Submarine. Feeling some high left over, he read the Book of Revelation and the first few pages of Finnegans Wake. He somehow understood it perfectly without the need for cliff notes. And then he did some krokodil while watching some episodes of Wander Over Yonder. One of the episodes was The Void.

He got so high that he forgot all about trying to get his Pikachu back. "What was I to do again?" Red looked at the clock on his Pokedex. "Aw man, it's already 2 days in the future! Dang. I really need to um, um, something about a yellow and black rabbit?" Red's eyes were bloodshot and cross-eyed.

The last time he had gone more than 2 days without Team Rocket coming after him to try to steal his Pikachu was while he was still 9 years old, which was about 18 years ago. 9 plus 18 equals 10. 9 plus 26 equals 10. Know what? 9 plus Graham's Number equals 10. Even when it turns Graham's Number years later after he first becomes a Pokemon trainer he will still be 10. The show's writers need to have the protagonist stay the same age as the targeted demographic, and if they introduce a different protagonist, then the audience will complain about how they changed it now it sucks. You're probably thinking "why are you talking about Red as if he was Ash Ketchum from Palette Town? They are not one in the same." Well, you'll see. I still need to get through the rest of these loosely connected story elements first.

After the getting high marathon, Red had to go to the bathroom to take a dump. He reached for the toilet paper but there was none. With his cat-like flexibility, he bent over so that his head was in front of his butt and began licking his own butt like a cat. He turned on the radio. Let it Go by Idina Menzel came on. "Oh that's right. They've been playing literally nothing but that song continuously ever since December 2013." He dropped the radio in the toilet and flushed. Surprisingly it went down. "I would rather eat my own Pikachu than have to hear that Arceus-awful song again!"


	3. High Voltage Turds

**Chapter 3: High Voltage Turds**

Jessie and James were feeling kinda bored. Now that they finally caught the twerp's Pikachu after 18 long years, the strong feeling of 'now what?' was dominant. They had received their billing statements in the mail. When they looked at it, their eyes stretched out of their skull like white face snakes, accompanied by the sound of a jalopy horn.

"Two thousand dollars spent solely on drugs? This is identity theft. I can't believe the twerp basically stole our identity. We need to take revenge."

"Yeah, I mean, his Pikachu is still in our possession." Team Rocket all did an evil laugh as the camera focused on their faces. Translucent pink smoke was rising up from the bottom of the screen, and their faces formed evil grins. Their ears became pointier, curving inward to become devil horns. It was like the scene in All Dogs Go To Heaven where Carface said "A ray gun?" followed by evil laughter and his face becoming the devil.

When he walked out, he began searching for Team Rocket. "Here Team Rocket Team Rocket Team Rocket. Here Team Rocket," Red called out. He looked in the Viridian gym. Team Rocket wasn't there but Pikachu was. Red felt a thrill. It started in his toes and made him crinkle his nose. "No way it's this easy. It has to be a trap. Sorry Team Rocket, but I refuse to fall for your stupid little trap." Little did he know how much he would soon regret saying those words.

Red came back home, hungry. He was in the mood to order a pizza. He heard a buzzing sound coming from his window. When he looked through it, he found a Beedrill lodged in between the inside and outside part of his bedroom window.

He came around the front and to the side his bedroom window was on. He opened it, and then the Beedrill chased him. "Go, Venusaur. Use razor leaf." Venusaur knocked out the Beedrill instantly. Its eyes turned into spirals. "I wonder how he's supposed to see like that, with his eyes being spirals. Venusaur, return." Venusaur went back in its Pokeball. Immediately afterward he was ambushed by a Jigglypuff. "Oh come on. I'm not even safe in my own home town. Go, Venusaur." Venusaur was sent out yet again. It had its front arms over its crotch. It said a particular pattern of its own name that roughly translated to "I wish you would let me masturbate in my own Pokeball in private, and not let me out every couple of seconds. I wish you would remember to not have me at the top of your Arceus-damn party." Jigglypuff began singing. Red covered his ears, but Venusaur's eyelids dropped like the bass in a dubstep song. Venusaur was sleeping off the day's adventures. Jigglypuff got mad and uncapped her marker and drew a penis and balls on Venusaur's face, and wrote "CALL ME PENISAUR" down its flank, in all caps. He made Venusaur return and upon returning to the front door of his house, he looked down and saw a paper with an advertisement. A new pizza place had opened up in Viridian city but the pizza could be delivered to Palette town since it isn't too far away, and Palette town only consists of like 3 houses. Red ordered a pizza and called the number. Or was it the other way around?

"I would like a BBQ mystery meat pizza with cheese filled crust. To be delivered at 3401 Trainer Road, Palette Town." Real quick after the call, he went back to the ATM to withdraw some cash so he could pay the pizza delivery guy, since he would not be able to take card.

Red passed the time by playing Dominique Pamplemousse. "Why am I playing this crap? The characters are all constantly using their scary face attack, and their off-key singing is like a perpetual screech attack. Dislike."

The doorbell of the house of Red and his family rang. It was the pizza guy. He was just James wearing nothing more than his regular Team Rocket outfit and Groucho glasses on his face. Red thought that he knew it couldn't be Team Rocket because it looks the slightest bit not like James.

"Here you go. Enjoy your pizza," he said with a sinister grin.

45 minutes later, Red had eaten the entire pizza. "Oh man, this is more yummy than my mom's bacon wrapped vegetable lasagna." The pizza guy came back in.

"Now that you're satisfied and full and have enjoyed it, I have something to tell you. You ate your Pikachu." Red did a spit take.

"Scuse me?"

"Yeah. We ground up your Pikachu and served his meat in the pizza. That's the mystery meat that the ad was speaking of. Ha ha, that's what you get for stealing our debit card. Yoink." James snatched the debit card out of Red's hand. "Oh, and I am James from Team Rocket. Prepare for trouble, and make it... To protect the world from devastation, yadda yadda, I don't feel like reciting it for the 800th time. You know the drill."

Red knew Team Rocket were evil but up until now they were harmless villains. Now they were psychopathic criminals.

"Na na na na na na, I made you eat your Pikachu," James teased. Red's tears were dropping out of his eyes like lemmings off of the cliff in that one clip about lemmings that may or may not have been legit.

"Let me taste your tears. Yum, yum. Your tears taste so yummy. They are better than pumpkin flavored Muscle Milk. Well, adieu." Red suddenly stopped crying. He had an epiphany. Maybe this is a valid reason to go into Witness Protection so that he could change his name. The dilemma would be what to change his name to.

He went into Viridian forest to catch a wild Pikachu. He threw a Pokeball without weakening it, and it stayed in. This will be my replacement Pikachu for all the adventures to come, whether he likes it or not. It looked just like the Pikachu he had before. In fact, um, I forgot what I was going to say. I just kinda took a break from writing and kinda forgot. "Thank you Arceus," Red said a short prayer to the heavens, I mean the plural of whatever the afterlife equivalent is in the Pokemon world.

So he did whatever is the process of joining Witness Protection. His new name was...

"From now on, I am eternally known as Ash Ketchum from Palette Town. Seriously tho, Red is a dumb name, especially when I have no middle or last name. Oh man I gotta take a crap." When he took his latest dump, he got an electric shock while his turds were coming out. "I must be pooping out my Pikachu pizza." He pooped out one last turd. This one was quite a doozy. It was a 3 foot long turd, with plenty of electrical power packed into it. It shocked him hard enough to make him blast off. He blasted off like Francine's head during her daydream in the Arthur episode 'Meek for a Week.' He broke through the roof and shouted "Ash is blasting off again!" He went higher and higher. The people below him looked like ants. Wait, were there any ants at all in the Pokemon universe? Well, ants that are animals and not Pokemon. How would he know what ants are? Dust bunnies are probably a more relatable analogy.

73 seconds after lift-off, Ash exploded. Pieces of him fell into the ocean. Nah, just kidding, he's still fine. I'm sorry, that was in poor taste. I feel bad for the victims of the Challenger accident and their relatives. It should not have happened, especially with the engineer basically being Cassandra from Greek mythology.


	4. Battle City 2

**Chapter 4: Battle City 2**

Kaiba had monitors all over Domino City (he was Domino City's new mayor). He dubbed them 'Kaiba-casts.'

"Attention duelists," he bellowed over the Kaiba-Casts. "I am starting a new duel monsters tournament here in Domino City. I am definitely not throwing this tournament just so I can have another shot to beat Yugi and be the very best, nope," he added, his eyes shifting warily as he said that.

"It is called Battle City 2: Electric Boogaloo, and yes, it is designed as a sequel to Battle City, and I will be competing also. Just to keep things fun and fair, I have a list of banned cards. Toon World and the Seal of Orichalchos, If any duelist uses either of these two cards, he or she will be automatically disqualified, and it will count as a victory for his or her opponent. I really hate Toon World, as it brings up post-traumatic stress disorder, and playing the Seal of Orichalchos is guaranteed to make the player who plays it lose. Not only that, but the symbol on the card looks Satanic. Stop worshipping Satan, guys. Other than that, anything goes."

Yugi still had all 3 Egyptian god cards. This tournament is gonna be a cinch, he thought smugly. He was relieved that they were not banned from being used in this tournament. Kaiba continued his spiel.

"In order to enter this tournament, it's open registration, and by open registration, I mean anyone can register except for Joey Wheeler. If Joey Wheeler tries to enter my tournament, he can go," an ambulance passed by, its siren drowning out the next word. "Himself. It costs 50 dollars per person to enter. Once you fill out the form and pay the amount in full, you will be given a wristband. This is so I know who is participating and who isn't. You will be good to go. You may only duel other people who have wristbands. In order for the duel to count at all, you have to duel in front of one of the sparsely placed video cameras I have placed around Domino City, AND both duelists have to be wearing their special wristband. As for their locations, I could tell you right now but it's probably more fun to pretend it's an Easter egg hunt, so I'll hold my tongue. This event will be televised. People who are not joining can still enjoy it if they tune in to UMBN (AN: UMBN is the Duel Monsters version of ESPN). Each and every duel that is done in front of any of the cameras will be broadcast on television for viewing. Hopefully this is an incentive to give it your all. In the previous Battle City tournament, the loser merely had to hand their rarest card to the winner. That's not the case here. But don't celebrate just yet. There is still an ante. The loser of each duel has to take their rarest card, hold it up in full view of the camera, and rip it up while still in front of the camera. Anyone who doesn't comply will be strong-armed by the security guards I have hired to patrol the city to make sure people are following the rules. Any questions?" Before a hummingbird could have enough time to beat its wings once, Kaiba continued. "Good, I will open registration now. The registration site will be in the building where Duke Devlin's game shop used to be. I will discuss tournament finals once the tournament has actually started." There was a large, bright LED timer over the entrance of what was formerly known as Duke Devlin's game shop that began counting down from 180 minutes.

"You have 3 hours before the line closes." The registration line resembled the queue area for a reasonably popular amusement park attraction. There were metal railings neatly arranged in the same direction, with the paths between them forming switchbacks.

When Yugi got in line, ne noticed a faint twinkle in the sky that looked kinda like a comet. He could see that it was slowly getting bigger and bigger. And then something actually did fall out of the sky. Yugi and his friends were startled like a Jack in the Box playing the Amber alert sound when it pops up. It looked like a 10 year old kid. What was he doing here?

"Who are you, and how could you survive a fall like that?" Joey asked.

"I am Ash Ketchum from Palette Town. This is my pal Pikachu." He was holding what looked like a yellow kitten with black markings and a lightning shaped tail. Actually lighting doesn't really look like a saw tooth pattern in real life, but more like a bright fractal scar descending from the clouds (better known as a Lichtenberg figure), and Lichtenberg figures look nothing like the saw tooth pattern that is for some reason most often associated with lightning bolts. So it's more accurate to say that Pikachu's tail looks like a saw tooth pattern rather than an actual lightning bolt.

"Yeah, but WHO ARE YOU? Just telling us your name and then a town that may very well not exist for all we know is not enough to go on. Are you superhuman?"

"Yes, I am superhuman. We have borderline utopian healthcare, which is pretty much a necessity. I am from a different planet where we have creatures called Pokemon, and most, if not all of them, could easily kill a normal human being. In fact, just me bringing my Pokemon here is a very real security risk because the humans on this planet are far weaker physically than any of the people from the Pokemon world. There is one Pokemon called Houndoom, and the Pokedex entry states that when it burns someone with its flames, the pain will never go away. Or the fact that Charizard can melt boulders with its flames. Or that Nidorino's horn can cut through diamonds. I could go on forever. I've barely scratched the surface at how much superior medical technology needs to be in the Pokemon world."

"I once saw a guy at the gym who could bench press 2,000 lbs." Joey said.

"Oh yeah? I once saw a guy who made Team Rocket blast off merely by punching them into the sky, literally," Ash said, sounding slightly conceited.

"How did you get here?"

"Long story, I don't really want to bore you with all the details, but it somehow culminated with members of an evil organization chopping up my Pikachu, serving his meat into a pizza, and tricking me into eating it, so then I had to catch a replacement Pikachu. I learned the hard way that eating Pikachu meat turns my poop electric, and I had eaten the whole pizza by myself, so there was enough electric current to make me blast off like a space shuttle, and here I am, dropped off on your planet. No lasting injuries since I fall from great heights all the time."

Joey was in line even tho Kaiba explicitly banned him from the tournament, probably out of personal bias.

"Joey, you know that Kaiba doesn't want you in line, right?" A sound exited an aperture on Yugi's countenance.

"Yeah but so what? I will strong-arm them into letting me in." Joey did his creepy chin. Yugi was legitimately creeped out.

"What's this line for? Is it a Pokemon tournament?" Ash inquired.

"No. It's for a duel monsters tournament. Do you have your own deck?" Yugi asked casually.

"No. I don't play card games. The closest thing to a game that I ever do is Pokemon battles."

"You mean the Pokemon creatures fight each other?" Yugi said in a disgusted way.

"Well yeah."

"That's disgusting, and cruel. You should be ashamed," Yugi scolded.

"You'd think so, but no. Despite fire attacks approaching nuclear reactor temperatures, they never get any broken bones or debilitating injuries just from each other's attacks. They just get stunned, with their eyes becoming spirals when their hit points reach zero." Yugi seemed to have calmed down.

When they got to the front of the line, Yugi filled out his form with his name, address, e-mail, telephone, and previous dueling experience. Even tho he knew just how experienced he was, it was a really difficult question because there were just 2 lines to write stuff. Also, Yugi didn't know how experienced he himself was because he was used to the spirit of the puzzle making all the decisions for him and cheating by influencing what card he would draw next. And then he remembered that almost no one else could tell the difference between Yugi and Yami Yugi, so did it really matter. Still, 2 lines is nowhere near enough for someone who won every major tournament arc. After a moment of thought he put "I am so experienced that people make up Chuck Norris facts about how good at dueling I am. Bring it on." He filled up every last Planck length of the lines with his writing. He gave the receptionist his form and his 50 dollars in exchange for a wristband. Joey was up next.

"Hmmm. I'm sorry but I've been given explicit orders not to let you enter this tournament because Kaiba just doesn't like you.

"Say WHAT? You listen here. This is discrimination. I'm gonna get the ACLU on your ass if you don't let me in. I have a lot of dueling experience. I came in second place at Duelist Kingdom and I could have beaten Yami Marik's Winged Dragon of Ra if I was more physically strong enough to stand up." Joey barked.

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye. NEXT!" The receptionist called.

"You got a lot of nerve treating my friend like that. If he's not allowed to join, then I'm not competing."

"Alright. Have fun not competing in the tournament. Even tho missing out would mean missing your big chance to atone for your sins by fighting honorably, since making an ancient spirit do all your thinking for you and sing the heart of the cards is actually cheating." Yugi began sweating profusely.

"How do you know about that?"

"Because unlike the majority of the people here, I can actually pay attention to the fact that your eyes get more straight edge when you transform."

"You got me there," Yugi admitted.

Joey ran to a barbershop and threw some cash at a random barber. "Give me a comb-over that looks drastically different than what I currently have, and make it snappy. Also, dye it a completely different color." The hair stylist did as told, no questions asked.

When Joey looked in the mirror after his hair styling, he saw that his hair looked just like Donald Trump's hair, except it was dyed one of those colors that's only visible to birds. He then hurried to a cemetery, dug up a random corpse, sliced the skin of their face off, and used it as a mask. Because he was pressed for time, he used a drill to exhume the grave. He also put on some glasses.

He got back in line while wearing his disguise. The line was insanely long. It reminded him of the line for Six Flags Duel World's newest coaster, a 500 ft tall Slifer themed steel behemoth. To put this in perspective, an ant looking at it would be about like a human looking at the Grand Canyon. Or a microbe looking across a thumbtack.

"Come on!" Joey was getting really impatient. He was doing a dance similar to the potty dance. He passed the time by playing Dance Dance Revolution on his Android. He was dancing on his phone. And then he got a broken screen. And there was a lot of line left to go.

Several long, boring periods of 5 minutes later, he was at the front, again.

"My name is Jo-um, Jesus. He got his own wristband.

"Yay, I'm in the tournament!" he took off his corpse face mask and ate it. "I'm not Jesus Hong. I'm Joey Alan Wheeler! What do you think of that Kaiba boy?" Joey took off his shirt to reveal fine muscular abs and whirled it above his head like a helicopter blade.

"Attention again duelists," Kaiba's voice rang. "Let me go over the objectives. You already know what you need to do if you lose a duel, but I have not said anything about the winner. Well, let me go over that real quick. Each time you win a duel and it's an officially recognized duel, your bracelet will glow a little bit brighter. If you lose, the bracelet's color will turn a little bit darker. If your bracelet turns completely black you're knocked out of the tournament and you'll have to return the bracelet. By default your bracelets start out a little bit brighter than completely black, just to give some room for error, but you don't know how much. The first 8 duelists to turn their wristbands completely white will need to check their e-mail, hence why I asked for it upon registration. The e-mail will contain instructions on how to access the secret location of the Battle City 2 final round. That is all I will say right now. And one more thing. Do not make anyone else duel for you, even if they look extremely similar but not 100 percent identical. That is cheating and you will be disqualified. Good luck. And Joey, what are you doing here? I thought I told you not to register, yet I see you have a wristband."

"What? You're just bluffing. Computer screens are not cameras," Joey's mouth sounds went like.

"True, but you're standing in front of one of the video cameras," Kaiba angrily made a sound out of the little opening in the round shape at the end of his neck.

"I am? Wow, finding the first camera was easier than expected." Joey turned around, and there was a professional looking camera in the bushes but not quite hidden.

"I hate to admit this, but since you already have a wristband and there isn't any other replacement participant to give it to since registration is closed, I guess I might as well let you stay. I'm gonna have to have a word with the receptionist at the registration booth. Give her a piece of my mind. Seriously, why did I hire her? If she can't do the simple task of turning Joey away just because I asked her to, what good is she to me? She's just wasting space on my payroll.

"Why are you putting me on blast in front of the entirety of Domino City?"

"Oh crap, did I forget to turn the Kaiba-casts off? I'm so sorry."

Yugi's stomach lurched. He'd always relied on the spirit of the puzzle to bail him out of trouble, yet it seemed as if Kaiba read his mind at one of the last things he said before throwing his receptionist under the bus in front of the entirety of Domino City. How was he supposed to be a good duelist if making the spirit duel would count as cheating? A light bulb appeared over Yugi's head.

"I just got an idea!" Yugi snickered.


	5. Which Pokemon evolves into Seviper?

**Chapter 5: Which of these Pokemon evolves into Seviper?**

"Why does our endless pursuit have to end? Just because we don't need to chase after Pikachu no more doesn't mean we have to just abandon our evil shtick," Meowth suggested.

"You're right," Jessie realized. "Pikachu is just one Pokemon out of many many." They spotted a trainer that looked exactly like Ash, except as a teenager. He was wearing his cap with the bill facing the rear. The Pokemon walking at his side was Raichu. He looked like he could have been Ash's older brother.

Team Rocket tip toed behind him as he walked toward the Pokemon league route for some reason. Suddenly the Bizzaro Ash turned around.

"Are you guys stalking me?" He demanded. He sounded like M. Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold.

" Um no. Prepare for trouble..." Yadda yadda. They recited their motto. Meowth looked disgusted.

"We need a new motto. I'm tired of saying and hearing this motto 600 plus times. It's more annoying than hearing literally nothing but Let it Go on the radio all the damn time," Meowth ranted.

"I know what you need. A good ol' pat on the base of your tail." Jessie petted the base of Meowth's tail. He raised his butt up in the air like a normal cat does when you pet the base of its tail.

"Elevator butt," James said cutely. Meowth was purring, his eyes looking like frowns. He looked like a triangle from the side.

Some random kid standing a few yards away was looking at him from the side.

"Oh no, IT'S BILL CIPHER!" He was hyperventilating. "He's come to end the world!"

"Hand over your Raichu!" Jessie demanded.

"Why would I do that, just cuz you tell me to? I don't even listen to my own mom, so why would I listen to you 3 strangers who are totally giving me a bad vibe?" The Bizzaro Ash trainer took a hit of his bong. "I love you, Bing," he said to his bong.

"Go, Arbok!"Jessie sent out Arbok.

"Chaaarbok!" Arbok cried.

"Raichu, use thunderbolt," Jessie's Arbok was faster.

"Arbok, use wrap. And pretend like you're Elmyra Duff hugging a bunny." Arbok tilted its head quizzically. Jessie face-palmed. "Time out," she declared. She put a small television in front of Arbok and put on an episode of Tiny Toon Adventures. "Please watch, Arbok, and you'll see what I meant by that." There was an episode that showed Elmyra hugging a bunny so hard that her hands clipped through her chest and went out her back. The bunny's skeleton was ejected through a hole burst through the top of its head. Arbok nodded. He wrapped up bizarro Ash's Raichu with matching intensity. The same thing happened to Raichu.

"Raichu's skeleton is blasting off again," Raichu's skeleton moaned.

"You bastards killed my Raichu!" Bizzaro Ash screamed.

"Whoops, sorry. What good is a dead Pokemon if we can't show it to the boss?" James apologized one sixth-heartedly. "Be right back." James made off with the Raichu's skin.

After the battle, Arbok began glowing. Jessie and James became wide-eyed. Meowth was always wide-eyed by virtue of being a cat.

"Arbok's evolving?" Jessie chirped.

When it finished evolving, it was now a Seviper. Arbok had evolved into Seviper.

"Forgive me if this sounds weird, but I'm just curious about something. So this fanfic's author keeps calling you Bizzaro Ash. Is that your real name?" Jessie made an arrangement of constructions of alphabetic symbols that formed an expression that was designed to elicit information.

"No. My real name is Bizarro Ash," Bizarro Ash asserted.

"That's what I said," Jessie not said.

"No. You said my name with two z's and one r. My name has one z and two r's. That is even more unforgivable than what you did to my Raichu."


	6. For Science

**Chapter 6: For Science**

"I have some Raichu skin and organs. Do something with it. You and your scientists made Mewtwo. Surely you can make Raichu 2," James suggested to Giovanni.

"Thank you. I'll see what I can do," Giovanni gave James a pat on the back. I'm at a loss at exactly how he created Mewtwo. I have seen the first Pokemon movie but it's been a while. I'm too lazy to go watch it again, so I'm just gonna BS my way through this. I'm probably gonna look like an idiot but I'm willing to take that risk.

"To the secret lab," Giovanni put the Raichu parts in a Makuhita's head, and then beckoned James and they walked to the end of a rarely used hallway. There were 2 levers.

"Pull the lever, James," Giovanni ordered. James didn't know which one, so he flipped a coin. He pulled the left lever.

"WRONG LEVER!" Giovanni screamed as he fell through a trapdoor that opened up beneath him. "AH, DON'T LOOK SO THEY DON'T STEAL MY SOUL," Giovanni told himself and closed his eyes. The walls were all lined with Shedinjas with their backs facing him.

Giovanni somehow returned to the other side of the hallway. He did not need to have anything soften the landing since he is superhuman. Giovanni reached the end of the hallway once more and pulled the right lever. It transported him and James to a secret underground laboratory.

In the middle of the room sat a metal table with straps on it, kinda like an operating table. There was complicated sciencey looking stuff all over the perimeter of the room. It kinda resembled the Hollywood version of Dr. Frankenstein, except a bit more modern looking, and less subtly ominous.

Giovanni took out a jar labeled 'Pokemon stem cells' and poured it all over the table. It fell out in a hoge glop, like mayonnaise. He then opened the Makuhita head bag and let its contents fall out over the Pokemon stem cells. Giovanni attached some clamps to the Raichu parts. The clamps were attached to steel cables that were attached to some of the machines surrounding the perimeter of the room. Giovanni signaled for James to pull a giant blue handled lever. James did as told, grunting slightly as he did. A strong electric current raced down a twin pair of Tesla coils and down the steel cables to the clamps. The table received the electric shocks and then the stem cell goop looked like it was starting to come alive. It interacted with the Raichu parts and began forming increasingly recognizable organic all culminated into the equivalent of Mewtwo for Raichu.

"Behold, Raichu 2," Giovanni announced. He unlocked a kennel on a shelf and opened it. An adult Arceus stumbled meekly out of it. "Raichu 2, use thunderbolt." Some plasma Lichtenberg figures shot out of Raichu 2's cheeks and at the Arceus. Arceus was instantly burned to a crisp, its eyes forming spirals.

"So much for being the God Pokemon," James remarked.

"So where's Mewtwo?"

"I put him in Cerulean cave and hired an intimidating muscular dude wearing an A-shirt and who had experience in being a club bouncer to block the entrance to the cave. Day and night he would stand there sleeplessly, without eating or going to the bathroom, and completely immobile even if he was hit by a top fuel dragster. He would do this ceaselessly until he received word that a specific trainer in the region had defeated the Elite 4. So far that trainer has not defeated the Elite 4, so Mewtwo has not been caught yet."

"Drat," James spat.

Giovanni and James stuffed Raichu 2 in the Makuhita head bag before it could have time to react, and went back to where they were on the route between Viridian city and the Pokemon league.

"Hey Bizarro Ash, meet the new and improved Raichu. But too bad you can't have him. He's ours now." James teased. "Raichu 2, use thunderbolt on him." Raichu 2's cheeks started to light up, then it desisted.

"Come on, use thunderbolt. Are you chicken?"

"No. I wanna go back to my trainer. He needs me," Raichu 2 demanded. Everyone reacted with shock by letting the bottoms of the apertures that resided on the roundish parts of the tops of their bodies move in a direction that was towards the center of the earth.

"Oh my Arceus, you can talk," Jessie gasped. Raichu 2 shot the Team Rocket trio the most demonically looking angry look they ever saw as it shot lightning out of its cheeks.

"OW OW! This electric shock feels so much more painful than the one from the twerp's Pikachu!" Meowth moaned, and then they shot up in the air as per usual.

"Team Rocket's blasting off again," the trio said in chorus. They disappeared with a twinkle in the sky as per usual.


	7. Pegasus is a Brony

**Chapter 7: Pegasus is a Brony**

Yami's plastic surgery to look younger was a success. He looked just like little Yugi now, except still a little taller, and still with a deep voice. If no one noticed it before, they wouldn't now. Now Yugi could freely cheat by having the spirit duel for him like usual, without anyone noticing. He was looking around for his first opponent like a shark looking for prey. Yes, he was relying on sensing electric current from his opponent and swinging his head side to side.

"Wanna duel?" Yugi looked up and gasped. It was Pegasus, the creator of duel monsters. He had entered too?

"Sure," Yugi said enthusiastically. "I'm in the mood for a little nostalgia."

"Okay," Pegasus agreed. They crossed the street and on the playground there was one of the TV cameras that Kaiba said you had to duel in front of in order for it to count. Their duel disks lit up with the number 4000.

"Since Toon World isn't allowed, I had to toss it from my deck and replace it with a different card. Since I no longer have Toon World, will you please go easy on me?" Pegasus pleaded.

"Nah, I don't think I will," Yami assured him. "Why would I go easy on you? There was that one time when I was willing to use the Seal of Oricalchos to free my dragon if it meant the slightest chance of maybe winning the duel, even tho my opponent was only a minor inconvenience and there was literally nothing stopping me from rage quitting. I would gladly do the same thing again if we were dueling over who has to clean the grease trap."

Yami drew his first hand. Wow, what luck! He had all 3 Egyptian God cards in his hand. After an awkward silence, Yami finally broke the silence. "Okay, who's going first?"

"Hmm, I have a coin that one of us could flip," Pegasus offered. After yet another awkward silence, he finally said "Oh no, but who should flip it? How do we decide who should flip it?"

"Wanna play rock paper scissors for it?" Yami suggested.

"I don't know how to play rock paper scissors," Pegasus admitted.

"Um, okay. How about we duel for it. We shall move away from the camera for this duel so that it won't count. The winner of this duel gets to flip the coin to decide who gets to go first in our first 'real' duel of this tournament."

"Um, okay, but then we still need to decide on someone to flip the coin, and no one ever makes decisions anymore without playing a children's card game."

5 minutes later...


	8. The Pegasus Puzzle

**Chapter 8: The Pegasus Puzzle**

"So let me get this straight," Pegasus began questioning. "You think we should set up some kind of democratic polling station so that people go out to vote just to decide who gets to flip a coin just to decide who gets to duel an unofficial duel just to decide who gets to go first in a game of Pokemon cards, of which the winner would have to go out and buy a table so we can arm wrestle to decide who gets to go first in a game of Tic Tac Toe, the winner of which gets to go first in a game of Connect 4, the winner of which gets to flip the coin to decide who goes first in an unofficial duel, the winner of which is the one to flip the coin to decide who goes first in our official duel?" Yami nodded. "I bet if the Dark Knight had Duel Monsters in it, Two-face would play a children's card game against himself instead of flipping a coin." Pegasus mused. Yami imagined a scenario like that, and it played out like the Geri's Game Pixar short, except with Duel Monsters instead of chess, and being played by a guy with half of his face burned beyond recognition.

"WILL YOU TWO GET ON WITH THE FRIGGIN DUEL ALREADY? YOUR ARGUING IS MAKING ME CRINGE!" Kaiba's voice boomed. "This does not make for very good reality television, and I'm not too good with video editing software besides Windows Movie Maker."

"Alright alright. I'll go first," Yami stated. "I summon Winged Dragon of Ra in attack mode." A dark liquid stain started appearing on the front of Pegasus's pants and began expanding.

"My turn." Pegasus drew a card. "I play Relinquished in defense mode. And I lay this card face-down. Oh, by the way Yugi boy, I don't think I ever told you the story of why I am named Pegasus. I watch My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. I am a brony. My favorite character is Rainbowdash, and she happens to be a Pegasus. So I named myself after the fact."

"My turn," Yami drew a card.


	9. The Troll Buffet

**Chapter 9: The Troll Buffet**

Team Rocket landed with a loud thud on planet Earth from their big blast-off. The part of the ground where they landed on actually formed a mouth and said out loud "thud" in Kristen Schaal's voice.

"I'm not sure if there are any Pokemon on this planet, so how are we going to keep doing our job and thus making money?" James pondered.

"Hmmm... I kinda fancy the idea of opening my own restaurant. It would give us more money and make up for the twerp using our debit card selfishly on drugs. Seriously, does he not realize that smoke weed every day is a meme, not actual advice?" Jessie ranted.

"How do you know they're even going to use the same currency? For all we know, they could be using Starbucks as currency." James pointed out. "I think if at all possible we should exchange our currency for whatever currency they use here. They might not even take yen here."

When they got their money exchanged, their eyes stretched out of their sockets, accompanied by the sound of a jalopy horn.

"Only 60 dollars? Dang, we really need to open up that restaurant pronto," Jessie pressed.

They used their hidden talent of using extremely limited funds to do impressive stuff that look excessively expensive. The Troll Buffet was now a reality. They felt like if they wanted to they could recreate the Large Hadron Collider on a shoestring budget of $200. The entrance of the restaurant featured a neon sign with the restaurant's name written in the ancient language known as cursive, and above it was a troll face (the meme, not an actual creature from fantasy literature). The troll face had candy corn horns on its head. The restaurant location was under a bridge.

Upon its grand opening, the first customers were greeted with "Hello beautiful, what can I do for you?" The customers were wearing strange bracelets.

When they went through the buffet line, the Team Rocket trio was giggling slightly.

"Oh, cranberry sauce! I love cranberry sauce," one customer sang joyfully. When he sat down and went to taste it, he immediately spit it out. "What the fudge? This isn't cranberry sauce!" Only he didn't say 'fudge' he said a certain word starting with f and ending with 'uck.' Wait, I didn't need to censor that. 'Firetruck' is not a swear word. "It tastes too vegetable-y. Yuck! I hate vegetables!" A woman who probably was the guy's mother had a little taste.

"You're right, this isn't cranberry sauce. This is red beets."

"What? But it was clearly labeled as cranberry sauce. How was I supposed to know?"

Sometime after that, someone in the buffet line reached for the cauliflower. When they sat down at their table and bit into it, they spit it out. "This tastes like plaster. This is actually just broccoli covered in plaster." Before too long, the customers began to realize exactly why the restaurant got its name. At least the biscuits were actually biscuits. And they gave a round of applause.

"My coffee now tastes like white paint. That wasn't coffee cream at all."

"Why does my vanilla ice cream taste like mashed potatoes?" You'd think they would have noticed something to be odd when it wasn't cold.


	10. Wild Egyptian gods appeared

**Chapter 10:** **Wild Egyptian Gods appeared**

Ash walked around exploring Domino City. He could not for the life of him figure out why some kids were wearing these strange bracelets. He could not find any Pokemon at all. _I hope this doesn't mean the imminent end of my journey to be a Pokemon master,_ Ash thought wistfully. _I mean, I haven't even gotten to win any of the Pokemon league tournaments or had any of my Pokemon ever evolve. For Arceus sake, why do they even allow legendaries?_ Not really sure what to do, he ran over to the nearby playground.

"Oh wow, some Pokemon!" Ash exclaimed. "I've never seen that one before." There was a rather large gold colored creature that looked kinda like a Griffon. It was accompanied by a large blue intimidating looking humanoid creature and a giant red snake with 2 mouths on its head. All 3 of them kinda seemed like they could be legendaries. Ash got out his Pokedex out and tried to look them up. "No Pokedex entry available." "Wow, not even the Pokedex knows what these Pokemon are. I guess Professor Oak never leaves the planet. Oh well. I'm gonna capture it. Pokeball, go!" Ash threw 3 Pokeballs at once at the strange monsters. The monsters all went in with no struggle, and then the Pokeballs stopped wiggling.

"I don't know what the heck these Pokemon are but they're mine now. I'm gonna call you Hippogriff, Blue Golem, and Red Seviper, respectively." All 3 of their holograms were replaced with error messages. All 3 of them now looked like holograms of "An error occurred" accompanied by a Windows XP error sound. Yugi was now looking angrily at Ash.

"Dude, you ruined our duel!" Yugi was furious.

"Duel?" Ash sounded clueless. "You mean those weren't wild Pokemon? You were actually fighting to the death?"

"No, we weren't fighting to the death. Wait, what the heck is death anyway?"

"You see, we are alive right now, and we won't live forever. When someone is said to have passed away, their body stops being responsive at all and their soul is no longer of this world. They're just gone. Such causes include but are not limited to natural causes, disease, or being stuffed through a wood chipper to become a red mist. When somebody has passed on, there is a special ceremony called a funeral where the deceased is celebrated one final time before either being buried or cremated. Depending on your religious beliefs, there may be an afterlife."

"Oh, no, nobody ever does that as far as I know. No one's allowed to die in a 4Kids cartoon. Except for that one time when I dueled my possessed friend and we were chained to an anchor, and the loser would drown, but it was probably just Shadow Realm water in disguise. The Shadow Realm is basically the replacement for death on this planet. Even tho it isn't always permanent, it is arguably a fate worse than death since it shares similarities with the Christian concept of hell. I don't mean fire and brimstone hell, I mean that there is an outer darkness as well as weeping and gnashing of teeth. So yeah, death is too dark, yet going to hell isn't."

"Why is it called dueling if you're not fighting to the death?"

"Sorry, I have a match to get back to. I don't wanna waste any more time." Yugi got back to his duel. "I don't need the Egyptian Gods to defeat you. I've done it once, I can do it again. Go, Blue Eyes White Dragon."

"What? Where did you get that? I don't remember putting more of those in circulation, and Kaiba has all 3 of the ones that are still intact."

"I just super-glued it back together and put it in my deck sometime after Kaiba tore it up."

I don't really feel like walking you through every single twist and turn of the duel since I'm too lazy and that would just totally kill the pacing, not to mention it would be quite boring to write about, so I'm just gonna skip to the very ending move. Pegasus had a mere 10 lifepoints left, while Yugi still had all 4000 of his.

"Finish this, Kuriboh." Kuriboh attacked Pegasus's lifepoints directly. Yugi's bracelet turned a little bit brighter, while Pegasus's bracelet turned completely black.

"Oh no, I'm kicked out of the tournament," Pegasus lamented.

"Don't forget, there's still something else you have to do," Yugi reminded. Pegasus nodded brusquely. He searched his deck for Thousand Eyes Restrict, stood in front of the camera, and ripped it to shreds. He cried half a tear as he did this.

"What the Pokemon breeding just went on?" Ash asked cluelessly. "That didn't look like any normal Pokemon battle to me. It looked so much more organized, calculated, and systematic than any Pokemon battle I've ever known."

"For the last time, THAT WASN'T A POKEMON BATTLE," Yugi raged impatiently. "We were playing a card game."

"That looked more like monster battling than a card game to me," Ash confessed.

"Well that's because we have technology that renders the images on the cards into life-size holograms," Yugi explained.

Ash watched someone's dog walk by. "That looks kinda like a Poochyena, but different." Ash got out his Pokedex. "No data available," the Pokedex beeped. "Hmmm, I am thinking on catching it. Go, Red Seviper.," Ash sent out Slifer the Sky Dragon. He then felt a loss at what attacks this strange Pokemon would know, so he had to guess. _Hmm, it appears to have 2 mouths and more teeth than the Osmond family, so surely it must be able to..._ "Red Seviper, use bite." Slifer did as commanded. Oops. Slifer ended up biting the dog's head off.

"Oh dear, that wasn't supposed to happen. I just wanted to capture it but it's no good to me if it's dead," Ash lamented. "I'm sorry," he cried.

"That wasn't a Pokemon, stupid. That was an animal. And it's not dead. It's just in the Shadow Realm," Yugi corrected.

"I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to the fact that animals are not nearly as physically strong as Pokemon."

"Your dragon bit my dog's head off, and now he's in the Shadow Realm! You will pay for this!" The dog's owner barked. "Please find a way to bring him back from the Shadow Realm. He's still alive. Just in a different dimension."

"Anyway, dueling has made me hungry," Yugi's vocal cords formed a frequency that together with his lips, tongue, and teeth working together to form coordinated movements specifically designed to match the exact sound of those words.

"I'm hungry too," Ash admitted.

"I heard about this new restaurant that opened up called the Troll Buffet, and fittingly enough, it's under a bridge," Joey offered. Joey's bracelet was slightly brighter than before. "The gimmick is, um, you'll see. I don't wanna spoil it. But I ate there after I beat my first opponent in this tournament, Normal-minda Roba. He was formerly known as Espa Roba but he changed his name in light of being found out as a cheater that wasn't really psychic."

Yugi, his friends, and Ash walked together in a group to the restaurant under the bridge.

"Hello, welcome to the Troll Buffet. Enjoy." Ash piled a biscuit on his plate. And then some peas, a corn dog, mac n cheese, peas and carrots, and some mashed potatoes. He had iced tea to drink.

He took a bite of his biscuit. It tasted burnt. He looked at the bottom. It did not look burnt at all. "They must have used some kind of burnt flavoring." He put gravy on his mashed potatoes and ate some. "Chocolate? This is chocolate syrup, not gravy. Ew, chocolate syrup and mashed potatoes do not mix." Next, his corn dog. To his surprise it was a perfectly normal corn dog with no gimmicks. His peas could not be chewed. They were pebbles painted like peas. The carrots were perfectly normal tho. His macaroni and cheese and glass of tea were also perfectly normal.

"I'm so glad to be away from the pesky Team Rocket. Team Rocket is an evil trio that steals Pokemon and 99% of the time they're absolutely harmless cuz I can just have Pikachu zap them to make them blast off. I'm not afraid of them anymore. Even tho they tricked me into eating my own Pokemon I firmly believe it will all work out in the end. As far as I know they're still back at my home planet, the one that according to National Geographic looks like a giant purple and yellow colored gear in space."

"Ew, this pizza tastes like glue," Joey tasted his pizza. "Wait, it is glue. They put glue on instead of melted shredded cheese. Clever."

"These aren't beets. This is cranberry sauce. Oh well, I'm not complaining," Yugi said cheerfully.

During dessert, Ash took a bowl and filled it with pistachio pudding. When he put a spoonful of it in his mouth, he used flamethrower.

"What the? This isn't pudding. This is that one thing whose name escapes me that's so incredibly spicy that it turns me into a fire Pokemon, and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy."

"Wasabi sauce?"

"Oh yeah," Ash remembered. "And I just remembered. I also like catching Youkais." Two of the staff walked toward their table, excitement on their countenances. One of them had light bluish purple hair, and the other had red hair that looked kinda like a cornucopia.

"We hoped you enjoyed your brunch," they greeted.

"Is that the two people that you said earlier that always chase you and try to take your Pikachu?" Yugi asked Ash.

"No. These people actually look nice, and they look a little different. If they were Team Rocket then they would look exactly like them, with no stylish differences. They have worn paper thin disguises that look similar but different to their regular appearances and yes, I would always fall for them, and yes, they have done this somewhere over 600 or 700 times, but I truly believe these people are saints that mean well. I don't have any definite proof, I just know. Kinda like a 6th sense."

 _"_ _I forgot to ask this, and pardon me if it sounds totally random and you don't feel like answering but I was just curious anyway. How old are you?"_

 _"_ _I'm ten years old," Ash Ketchum quickly answered._

 _"_ _And just how long has Team Rocket been after you and your Pikachu?"_

 _"_ _About 18 years," Ash said._

 _"_ _Dang. Team Rocket has been chasing after you and your Pikachu longer than you've been alive. How do you manage that?" Joey asked, more bewildered than the Bewilderbeast._

 _"_ _Yeah, I know..." Ash seemed aware of just how confusing that sounded._ _I am fairly certain that most any normal Pokemon would curb stomp a real world dog in a battle. I wonder how my trio of possibly legendary Pokemon would fare in a battle against an actual Pokemon. I wish Misty and Brock would come on down here so I can battle them and find out. Wait. Maybe I can build an interplanetary telephone like in the E.T. movie._ "Ash phone home," he said just like E.T. _Oh wait, what's the point of doing that if I have a GeniusPhone? They can make interplanetary calls no problem._ He dialed Misty and Brock's numbers and waited.


	11. Brock and Misty

**Chapter 11: Brock and Misty**

After what seemed like an eternity, Brock was gym leader in the Pewter City gym, which he was the gym leader of once more. He totally forgot how to be a gym leader. It was like someone who took German class in high school and did fairly well, then they take it again in college and they're somehow failing. Brock was battling Bizarro Ash.

"Geodude, use flamethrower," Brock commanded. Geodude shot a confused look on its face. "Oh I forgot, you're not fire type. Arceus dammit, I think I'm turning into Ash."

"Blastoise, finish it off with hydro pump." Blastoise knocked out Geodude with that attack. And with that, Brock was defeated.

"Congrats, you have defeated me. Here, have a boulder badge." Brock reached into the container where he keeps his badges. To his shock, he saw that it was completely empty. "Oh that's right, the last opponent I battled got the last badge. I've never run out of badges before. Crap. I dunno what to do."

He stood facing his opponent. "I'm sorry, I'm out of boulder badges right now." The other trainer looked kinda enraged in response to that. "One sec. Let me call my manager." Brock called his manager on his GeniusPhone. "I've run out of badges." Brock was startled at his manager angrily yelling on the other end of the line.

"You really should have told me this when you were a few more badges away from running out. Now I have to make a call to order a new set of badges, and then wait for them to come in. I really hope you got that guy's address. One option would be to mail a boulder badge to his home address whenever this gym gets a new shipment of boulder badges. If not, he might have to fight you again after you get delivered more badges. I would want to avoid that if at all possible since not a lot of trainers really want to fight the same gym leader twice in a row, even if they know that if they can beat them once they can do it again. Especially if they had a difficult time doing so. But for the time being, this gym will be closed until the new shipment of boulder badges arrives. Thanks a lot for letting the Pewter city gym shut down, making it a little more difficult for beginning trainers to get their first badge. Trainers are required to get the badges in the same order as the games."

"Okay, I will tell him that." Brock hung up. "Sir, what's your address."

"Why do you wanna know? You're not creepin', are you? You're not a pedophile are you?" The other trainer asked. Brock thought for about 10 seconds.

"No, I'm not. I just wanted to know because whenever this gym gets a new shipment of boulder badges, I might be able to mail it to your home."

"My home? But I live all the way in the Kalos region. I can't just return there just to randomly expect it in the mail!"

"Well then I guess your only other option is to battle me once more after the gym reopens. And now I'm on to all your strategies so they won't work twice." The Bizarro Ash guy was in a tough bind. As tough as Raichu 2 was, not even its electric attacks could hurt ground types. Or could they?

"Screw this job, Imma get out of here." Brock downed a whole can of beans and farted so hard he shot up in the air and into space.

Meanwhile Misty was battling someone while wearing her swimsuit. It was her 'battle armor.' She was wearing a sling swimsuit. If you don't know what that is, it's a V-shaped one-piece suit that exposes even more than a regular bikini.

"Starmie, use sacred fire." The other trainer literally pooped bricks. "Please don't damage my floor. I just had it replaced when some fat kid insisted on jumping up and down while wearing cleats." The other trainer's Venusaur was knocked out.

"Venusaur is unable to battle. Starmie wins," the referee declared. "And the winner of the match goes to the gym leader Misty."

"Seriously, what were you thinking sending out your Magikarp that only knew splash? Only a cigar smoker would be that stupid," Misty teased.

"YOU CHEATED! Your Starmie used sacred fire!"

"Yeah. You gotta learn to adapt when gym leaders do something unexpected. Consider it a form of tough love. Better luck next time." Misty went back to her luxury swimming pool when she threw up in the pool. "UGH, I wish I could get Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid out of my head! I regret having watched that movie recently. It gave me feels at first but then I watched it on YouTube a few times and then watched the movie again and it just felt like Let it Go. Or Paramore's recent lighter and softer pop punk. I would rather listen to my only infant child **puking to death**. That is, choking on its own puke chunks than have this song stuck in my head for an eternity. Okay, I admit, that's disgusting. I apologize. Oh Arceus, I hope that one trainer that's blocking the way to Cerulean Cave is still doing okay. I'd better check on him."

Misty left her gym and went around to the mouth of Cerulean cave. She was still wearing her slingshot swimsuit. The man was slightly fallen over. He looked dehydrated and very badly sunburned. His skin was peeling and he looked kinda like Bill in the episode of King of the Hill where he was the heat waver.

"Are you okay? You don't look so good. May I move you to the shade and get you a glass of water?"

"Can't," the muscular guy said meekly. "I was given explicit orders to guard the entrance to Cerulean cave until Ash beats the Elite 4. And as far as I know, he still hasn't done that yet." The muscular guy probably passed out.

"I'd better call an ambulance," Misty said urgently. "You should not be out here like this. It's bad for you. You could get sunburn so bad it gives you third degree burns, you could get severely dehydrated, and you'd get tired of standing." Misty started dialing whatever the Pokemon world uses for an emergency number. The muscly guy knocked the phone out of her hand.

"NO! BAD GIRL! It is my duty to stay here. I have to guard the entrance with my life until Ash beats the Elite 4." Being a broken bridge must be an incredibly difficult job for any human.

"Come on, do you wanna remember me as the young, beautiful fanservicey good Samaritan in the sling swimsuit that saved your life?"

"NO! Not even that is worth it." And then Misty's genius phone rang.

"Hello. It's Ash."

"Ash Ash who?" Misty was suspicious.

"Red. We met one time. I was the guy wearing the red and white cap, but I changed my name to Ash Ketchum. I'm the guy who curb-stomped your entire team with my Charmeleon despite being insanely weak to water. Anyway, I need you to somehow leave the Pokemon planet and come to Earth so I can test my-"

"Wait, you're THE Ash Ketchum? Great, awesome, cuz I was gonna come to Earth anyway. Okay, I'll be right there. You need to come back to the Pokemon planet ASAP. I have a guy here who is going to die and the fate of his life is in your hands," Misty said frantically.

"Wait, what?" Ash was confused.

"I'll explain once I get there, I have no time to explain. Bye." Misty hung up. "It's gonna be okay," she assured sweetly. She thought she could see him blush slightly.

"You'd better get him over here and he'd better win the Elite 4, cuz I've been here for at least 4 years. Nonstop, I might add."

"Hey, Misty." Some random trainer snuck up from behind. "I wish to challenge you to a gym battle. I think my level 100 Mega Rayquaza is ready for its first victim since I caught it."

"Not now, I need to travel to planet Earth so I can help some kid who happens to be my friend beat the Elite 4 so that the guy blocking the way to Cerulean cave can move out of the way. He seems real adamant about staying there, even tho he looks like he's dying."

"But I wanna battle NOW! Go, Mega Rayquaza!" The other trainer sent out Mega Rayquaza.

"Go, Seaking." Misty sent out Seaking. She knew it was no match for Mega Rayquaza but she had to at least try.

"Mega Rayquaza, giga beam!" Giga beam was hyper beam on steroids. It was so powerful that if a level 1 Magikarp knew it, it would be able to knock out (or at least deal a lot of damage) to a level 45 Zapdos. Also, a Pokemon that uses it would not need to recharge after using it. Due to how overpowered it was, no Pokemon could learn it naturally. It was a rare TM that costed about a hundred thousand yen. When the vendors realized that no one was willing to pay that much for something that would make battles too easy and no fun anymore, they dropped the price down to 1 yen. After a brief moment of quick thinking, Misty stood in the way of the giga beam, taking a bullet for her Seaking. Was she sacrificing herself in its place so it wouldn't get knocked out, or something else, since death in the Pokemon universe is rarer than finding a shiny Arceus inside the Pokemon center.

There was an explosion. "Misty's blasting off again!" Misty yelled, then said at a normal volume in a casual tone "Seaking, return." She disappeared in a sky twinkle.

Misty looked back at the planet she was just launched from. She expected it to look like a giant ball floating in space but her expectations were defied into oblivion. It looked like a giant purple and yellow gear floating in space. Despite not wearing a space suit, she was perfectly fine. Humanoid aliens from the Pokemon planet are superhuman, remember?


	12. The Reunion

**Chapter 12: The Reunion**

Ash saw two familiar shapes fall out of the sky. He ran over to investigate. It was Brock and Misty. Due to their superhuman anatomy, they felt hardly any pain after falling from the sky. There was some slight discomfort.

"Hubba hubba," Ash said when he saw Misty. He'd never seen her wear that particular swimwear before. (AN: I do not consider sling swimsuits as much fanservice as bikinis. Tankinis are cute too, as well as anything else that leaves something to the imagination.)

"So, what about that" Ash was interrupted when the top of his head suddenly felt a lot breezier and empty.

"Ha ha, got your hat!" Joey swiped Ash's cap from his head and put it on. "Look at me, I'm Ash Ketchum. I'm a Pokey Mans trainer and I'm stupid."

"Give that back," Ash demanded. There was froth coming from his mouth and he spoke in a slight lisp. He looked like he had rabies and it was somehow hard to take him seriously.

Misty's eyes widened. "What's that on your head?" Misty was looking at the top of Ash's head. There was what appeared to be something that looked like a tiny satellite dish. Actually it also kinda looked like a cross with a ray gun.

"Um, what?" Ash was confused. "Oh, that. That's how every Pikachu I've ever caught has managed to remember everything as if they were always with me and have the exact same personality. If I ever have any of my Pikachus stolen, released, or killed, and then I catch a replacement, the little device on my head injects each newly caught Pikachu with the previous Pikachu's memories and personality."

"We accompanied you on your journey for about 5 years and we're just now learning that?"

"No, I've had it ever since my first day as a Pokemon trainer. Professor Oak installed it while I was asleep cuz he was paranoid that I might not be able to handle Team Rocket, and in the rare event that I'm not, then at least I can still have new Pokemon that might as well have been my friends since the beginning. Actually it's not just Pikachu that this device works with. My Charizard, Venusaur, and Blastoise all have the exact same memories and personalities as the respective one of their species that I released. I don't like it when my Pokemon get successfully stolen by Team Rocket but when I do, at least I have a back-up option. The new Pokemon I catch is not even guaranteed to be as strong as the previous one of that Pokemon I owned, which explains why my Pikachu was able to lose to a Snivy in the Black and White arc. And the reason that you've never seen it before was because this is the first time anyone has ever seen me without my cap on. Also, the subject just never came up all these years."

Joey gave Ash back his hat. "Thank you."

Yugi went off to scan for potential challengers while Joey walked into the gym.

"Oh yeah, I still need to tell you, Ash," Misty began. "As I was saying, there's a guy blocking the entrance to Cerulean cave and he was very much dehydrated and severely sunburned. He is adamant about staying there until you come back and defeat the entire Kanto league plus Elite 4. Apparently he says his job is to serve as a broken bridge. He refuses to let me call an ambulance or even give him first aid, so time is of the essence. I can't let him die, so you have to go back to the Pokemon planet, rejoin the Kanto league, and win every battle you possibly can. The fate of his life is in your hands. Not to put any pressure on you or anything."


	13. Marik

**Chapter 13: Marik**

Yugi encountered a familiar face. He was also wearing one of the duel bracelets.

"Oh hai Marik," Yugi waved. "I hope you're not gonna try to make me duel my best friend in a high stakes duel, the loser of which will fall into Shadow Realm water instead of simply drown."

"Oh, no! I am a good guy now. Evil is stupid." Yugi and Marik got into dueling position. Marik went first.

"I summon Peter Griffin and Hans Moleman in attack mode!" A fat middle-aged man wearing glasses and who looked like he had balls on his chin appeared, and his sidekick was a short old man with dark yellow skin, also wore glasses, and his appearance kinda looked like a mole. As you might have guessed, Hans Moleman went down real fast. Yugi played Breaker. It was his first time ever playing that card ever since his duel with evil Weevil. The duel where he gave him a negative number of life points at the end.

Some amount of turns later, just because I don't feel like throwing off the pacing.

"Yes!" Yugi grinned. He had 3000 life points left. Marik was at 1000. "I play Winged Dragon of Ra in attack mode!" When Yugi put the card on the field, the same error message popped up from his previous duel.

"What? Again? Is this card permanently unusable now?" Marik's Millennium rod lit up.

"I play Kuriboh in attack mode." Marik made Yugi take his turn. "And I will end my turn." He freed Yugi.

"What? I didn't mean to make that play. Can we have a do-over?" Yugi said anxiously.

"Oh, but where would be the fun in that? Don't you think I wished I could have had do-overs when we dueled in the final round, or every time you beat any of my cronies back in the day? In life, there are no do-overs. Get used to it." Marik's turn.

"Bob Belcher, annihilate his Kuriboh with your burger throw." Bob Belcher turned the Kuriboh into separating tiny squares with his burger throw attack. Yugi lost 700 life points.

"I should probably avoid trying to summon any of my Egyptian God cards since they will also probably show that same error message. Breaker, at-" The Millennium rod activated.

"I mean, I pass. There's nothing I can do."

"Whoa, Yugi is totally letting Marik cream him. It's like he wants Marik to win even tho Yugi clearly has the upper hand, even with an error message on the field," Tristan ranted. Yugi turned to his cheerleader friends.

"I am NOT making these rookie mistakes on purpose. I think Marik is cheating by using his Millennium rod to force me to make bad decisions, ultimately forcing me to lose."

"How dare you call me out for cheating? By that logic it should also be considered cheating whenever you make the spirit of your puzzle do all your thinking for you as well as influence what card you draw next, rendering shuffling your deck completely pointless." That whole speech really hit home. Well, almost.

"I've abandoned that habit, remember?" Yugi lied.

"Oh yeah. You're right. Usually when you duel your eyes are made up of straight lines but I see that your eyes are big and round at the top, still, so I know you're still little Yugi."

"KAIBA! WHY AREN'T YOU SENDING OUT SECURITY?" Yugi screamed. "MARIK IS CLEARLY CHEATING!"

"Nice try, Yugi, but Kaiba doesn't believe in magic. He probably just assumes you've lost your touch and regressed back to your early n00b days."

"I was never a n00b. I was always among the very best even when I hadn't learned how to play yet."

"Yeah, sure. I am going to beat you, my bracelet is going to get slightly brighter, and you will lose."

"Time out. Bee are bee," Yugi delcared, and walked away. He could not let this sicko beat him.

"Where are you going, Yugi?"

"I need to go to the bathroom," Yugi discreetly walked up to the video camera, cut out a circle of black construction paper the approximate diameter of the camera lens, and taped it over the camera lens. He walked back to the dueling arena. "Okay, now we can continue the duel. Man, that was the biggest dump I ever took. I even took pictures. They're on my Instagram if you wanna-"

"NO!" Marik interrupted. "Ha ha!" It was Yugi's turn now. Yugi was possessed once more.

"I pass yet again. There's nothing I can do." Marik drew a card and smirked while laughing.

"I play Pinkie Pie in attack mode." He summoned a ridiculously cute looking pink creature that looked like a cat with hooves. It had a balloon tattoo on its flank. "Finish this duel with your attack!" Pinkie Pie turned Yugi's Dark Magician into cupcakes and ate them. Yugi's lifepoints dropped to zero. Somehow Yugi was totally unfazed.

"What? How come both of our bracelets are staying the same? Mine should have gotten brighter and yours darker."

"I'll show you," Yugi offered. He led Marik to the site of the video camera. "Look at the lens. I taped some black construction paper over it so that it would not record the match, and thus the match would not count. If Kaiba's goons aren't willing to bust you for cheating I figured I might as well take matters into my own hands."

"Ah, clever." Marik admitted.

"Thanks," Yugi went like. "Just don't cheat anymore." Yugi got the jump on Marik and stole his Millennium Rod away from him.

"PLEASE GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!" Marik was as pissed as a teenage girl whose mom takes away her cellphone.

"You're not getting this back, ever!" Yugi yowled. He hurled Marik's rod over in the direction of the waterpark. He put on some binoculars. Marik's Millennium rod landed in the deep end of the wave pool. "Ha ha! Try getting it back now!"

"Any excuse to go to the waterpark is a good excuse to got to the waterpark," Marik cheered. "Especially with their new waterslide."


	14. Beach Episode

**Chapter 14: Beach Episode**

Actually, not quite. I lied. They're at a waterpark instead. I figured it would be more fun to write about than some relatively flat area filled with sand and a body of water expanded as far as the eye can see.

"Hey friends, do you all feel like going to the waterpark?" Yugi asked everyone. Joey just happened to get back from the gym just in time.

"Sure," Joey, Serenity, Marik, Tea, Duke, Tristan, Ash, Misty, and Brock answered in chorus.

"Alrighty."

"I wanna go with you all," Bakura answered.

"No one cares about you," Yugi teased. "Your nostrils are square. That's enough for you to be our bullying target. Nostrils aren't supposed to be square."

Yugi and his clique took a bus to the waterpark. Upon entering the waterpark they were bombarded with advertisements about their newest waterslide, the Actionator. It was impossible to miss. It towered over everything else in the park, even tho it was towards the backside of the park.

The males went thru the male changing room cuz, you know, they were males, and the females of the group went through the ladies' changing room cuz, you know, they were ladies. Misty walked just right in the park itself, completely bypassing the changing rooms, cuz she was just dressed in her sling swimwear anyway. She probably would have worn it to things like weddings, funerals, churches, and even job interviews.

"Hey Tristan, can I use your beer belly as a diving board?" Joey teased. Tristan did in fact have a dad bod. His belly wasn't THAT big. It was noticeable tho.

"Good luck with that." Tristan walked over to the edge of the deep end of the Olympic pool, and Joey . Tristan's belly only extended slightly outward, like maybe about 3 inches. Joey tried to stand on top of where Tristan's belly began to extend outward but it was no use. This wasn't Ninja Warrior.

Tea coming out of the girl's changing room in her swimwear caught Brock's eye.

"Hiya ma'am. Would you like to go ride the funnel waterslide with me?" Brock asked Tea.

"Sorry, I already have plans to ride it with Yugi."

He asked the same thing to Serenity.

"Um, maybe. If I can work up the courage." Serenity sounded kinda like Meatwad instead of her normal voice in the English dub.

"Great!" Brock cheered. Then he felt Misty drag him away by his ear.

"I hate it when you flirt with random girls that you don't even know. Have you ever watched Frozen? If not, well, I don't wanna spoil it, but the gist of the message is that if you fall in love with someone you just met, especially if you marry them, it can lead to them trying to kill you and your sister and take over the world. So please don't fall in love with random bimbos just on the basis of looks. Not that I have a crush on you or anything." Misty sounded kinda insincere when she said that last part. She was still dragging him by the ear, and then she accidentally pulled his ear off. "Whoops," Misty sounded slightly embarrassed. There was blood gushing out of the opening where Brock's ear used to be.

"You are so controlling!" Brock fumed. Misty was shocked. She had never seen Brock get mad before. "Do you ever think about what I want? If you truly care about me as a friend, then you will think of somebody besides yourself. This is why a relationship based on yandere is an unhealthy relationship. Every time I see a woman I like, you always drag me away by the ear, and then pulling my ear off was the straw that broke the Camerupt's back. You don't want me to be happy. I wish I wasn't your friend, you self-centered bitch. Goodbye! You're on your own as far as training Ash goes." She then remembered she was supposed to be training Ash.

"Sorry Ash, we gotta leave early even tho we just got here. Ash?" She couldn't find Ash anywhere.

Ash had gotten in line for the Actionator. He was with Joey and Tristan. The entrance to the line had a turnstile and a sign that read "200 lb weight limit." There was also a scale right there. The turnstile had 'no turning back' written on it in fake blood. Riders had to weigh themselves so they don't climb up the thousand feet or so to the top only to be set up for disappointment. Ash weighed about 95 lbs. Joey weighed 160 lbs. Tristan weighed 199.9 lbs. "Phew," Tristan sighed in relief. "I hope I don't somehow gain a tenth of a pound." The weigh in Nazis were real strict here. Even if you looked like a stick figure silicone Barbie doll, you still had to weigh in.

"They say this is the tallest, fastest, most intense, scariest, and most dangerous waterslide in the entire world," Joey said ominously.

"Yeah. I heard there was one part where you literally feel like you're in the Shadow Realm.

"When they send test dummies down, the dummies always arrive at the bottom with entire limbs torn off. But they decided to open it anyway because marketing.

Ash looked up. They were close to the bottom flight of stairs. He couldn't even see the top. He looked at the base and noticed it was on wheels.

"Why is it on wheels?"

"Just in case they need to move it around. It's very close to an airport runway, so in order to avoid planes crashing into the slide tower, they need to be able to move it around to dodge the plane."

As they climbed, they could see the slide forming loop de loops, corkscrews, 90 degree drops, barrel rolls, and other elements that a waterslide shouldn't be able to perform in real life. Some parts, even the upside down portions, were non-enclosed. The water flowing down was somehow defying gravity, sticking to the bottom of the chute. They could feel the stairs leading up to the slide swaying side to side several feet.

"Is there even a line?" Ash asked.

"There's almost never much of a line since almost no one is ever brave enough to get on this thing. Apparently anyone who actually gets on it is awarded a cash prize just for being brave enough to ride it after they get off. It's that intimidating." Ash became wide-eyed.

After what felt like hours, they got up to where the end of the line was. It moved really slowly because the ride op sent one person down at a time, for safety reasons, and the duration was (insert the same number of really's that Carly Rae Jepson's I Really Like You has) long.

"Might as well do something to pass the time." Tristan cleared his throat. "Nine hundred ninety nine quadrillion nine hundred ninety nine trillion nine hundred ninety nine billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, nine hundred ninety nine quadrillion nine hundred ninety nine trillion nine hundred ninety nine billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, nine hundred ninety nine quadrillion nine hundred ninety nine trillion nine hundred ninety nine billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall." Then he said that number minus one.

"Really? Ra, you're more annoying than Frozen. If I had a Millennium item, I would totally send you to the Shadow Realm here and now. Ain't got nuthin on." Joey cleared his throat. "Graham's Number bottles of beer on the wall. Graham's Number bottles of beer."

"I ain't got time for your singing. Unfezant, go!" Ash sent out his male Unfezant. "Fly me to the very top so I don't have to wait in this BS line." Unfezant flew Ash to the boarding platform. In the middle was a vertically oriented tube. Ash looked down. He saw an airplane flying way down below him. There were also clouds down there. Ash's eyes stretched out of his sockets. A person would climb in the vertically oriented tube, and then the lid would close down, like a tanning bed. They were standing on a trap door when they got in, and then the trap door would open, making the riders plummet into the unknown. "I change my mind, I don't wanna do thi-" were one young bikini clad girl's last words before the trap door opened.

"Pull the lever, Kronk." When the trapdoor opened, they screamed "WRONG LEVER!" And then first opportunity he got, Ash snuck into the tube. "Dear Arceus. Please forgive me of my sins. I'm sorry about drawing fan art of Misty and putting it on my Deviant Art account. I just couldn't help it. I pray this in your name. Amen." Ash never told anyone about this but he had a Deviant Art account, and one of his guilty pleasures consisted of drawing fan-art of his friend Misty in various revealing swimsuits. This has been going on ever since the United States adopted Baby by Justin Bieber as its official patriotic song.

Ash looked down. The trap door was made entirely of transparent acrylic. It resembled looking outside of an airplane window.


	15. The Actionator in Action

**Chapter 15: The Actionator in Action**

"Three, 2, won, LAUNCH!" The trapdoor opened. Ash instantly felt like a Pokemon used confuse ray and stun spore on him. He was being tossed every which way, and he was going so fast that his body literally felt like it was being spaghetti-fied, like if a person were to get sucked into a black hole. _Is this what visiting the Shadow Realm feels like?_ Ash had never been to the Shadow Realm but this was how he imagined it. He felt the pain of his entire body being infested and bitten by bullet ants. Well, he'd never actually been bitten by a bullet ant, but the pain was just as intense as bullet ant bites all over his body. And yet somehow, despite all that, he felt exhilarated.

"This ride is better than the journey to be a Pokemon Master!" He said right before throwing up. He came to a hill. The hill was so small compared to the speed at which he was traveling that he was launched about 30 feet in the air. That's as many as 3 tens. And that's sorta high.  
This slide felt more intense than any roller coaster he'd ever ridden. Actually he hadn't ever ridden any roller coasters in his life aside from the one in the electric gym in Unova. It was more intense than the roller coaster in the electric gym in Unova.

After what seemed like an eternity plus 2 milliseconds, Ash finally reached the bottom. He had a severe wedgie. So severe, in fact, that his swim trunks literally went up into his prostate. Not only did he have the time of his life on that slide despite being utterly traumatized by the slide's general intensity, the slide also gave him a prostate exam.

Meanwhile, Misty was out searching for Ash. The waterpark was fairly big. Or was it small? I dunno, I don't feel like imagining the size of the waterpark. Marik was in the wave pool, gradually inching his way over to the deep end, but it was difficult because he kept getting pushed back by the waves. "Hey, Marik!" Misty called to him. "Can you get out for a sec so the fan girls can see your general sexiness?"

"Not now. I have to retrieve my Millennium Rod," Marik answered back. "Once I have my Millennium rod, then I can transform into my dark side so that the fan girls will squee louder than a fan girl with a floor seat at a One Direction concert."

"One Direction? Who's that? Is that a band you made up?"

"Um, sort of. I'm just kinda sorta breaking the fourth wall. One Direction is a British boyband that is in the universe that the author who is writing this story is living in. But we have something similar here. I never told anyone this, but I am a fan of this Canadian boyband called Duel Mon5ter. I don't think my regular self looks as sexy as they do, but my super-powered darks side probably does. Also, I am bisexual."

Marik climbed one of the ladders on the side of the pool leading up to the shore line and dove.

"Hey you, it's only 6 feet deep right here, which is dangerous to dive in, especially from this height. The depth marking is actually kinda misleading. The actual depth marking is the normal depth plus the amplitude of the waves whenever the waves kick on." Marik heard all that on the way down while he was diving and it was too late to turn back now. Or was it? He steered his fall toward a fat woman in a tighter than skin tight bikini. He hit her, and then ricocheted right off her flab. He landed back on the side of the pool. The 10 foot deep end would mean a 4 foot wave amplitude. The waves just stopped for the moment. Next time the waves came on, he would have to time his dive so that he would dive right into the wave that would be at the deep end. The life guard blew his or her whistle. It was time for pool break. Marik's face turned beet pretending to be cranberry sauce red. _On the bright side, at least my fan girls will get a warm-up._ "Hey Misty, can your sling swimsuit be used as a bungee jump?" Misty tilted her head quizzically.

"I'm afraid I don't quite follow."

"It's pretty simple, really." Marik began. "It is called a slingshot swimsuit, right? Maybe I can go in the lower part and be bounced up and down in it."

"Mmm, I guess we could try it." The second tallest waterslide in the park was a curly enclosed slide that ended with a big drop, and for some reason riders rode on mats belly down. There was hardly anyone that got off of it whose back wasn't messed up severely, so everyone wondered why it was still open.

They climbed to the top. Marik kneeled down to be used as a step stool so that Misty could climb to the top of the railing at the top of the loading platform. Marik climbed up to the top where Misty was and stretched out the bottom of her sling swimsuit so he could fit in it. It was stretchy like a rubber band. As he held onto it, he jumped off of the railing. Misty quickly got back down from the railing and held on as tightly as she could. . This slide happened to be adjacent to the deep end of the wave pool. The lifeguard saw what was going on, shrugged, and went back to his post.

Marik bounced up and down several times while in Misty's swimsuit. At the height of the rebound, Marik let go and steered his body downward, arms stretched out above his head and palms together. The waves had started up again. "Oh crap, I just remembered, I never learned how to go underwater without holding my nose! Or to actually swim!" His life seemed to flash before his eyes. "I dunno what to do!"

SCENE MISSING

"Thanks, Mr. Flippers," Marik praised. He was back on the loading platform of the curly, racing waterslide.

"Any time," Mr. Flippers responded. Mr. Flippers was a magical flying walrus with a mustache and wearing a black top hat.

"I need to get my Millennium rod back, but I don't know how to swim," Marik's head aperture moved to make the specific air frequencies sound exactly like the words he was saying.

"I just remembered, I have the dive HM, and Pokemon that can learn dive," Misty recalled. She sent out Seaking. She grabbed a CD out of her pocket. It was inside a CD case that was labeled 'dive.' She pushed a button on Seaking's temple. A disk drive popped out of Seaking's forehead. She put the HM CD in the disk drive and closed it. Seaking now knows how to use dive!

"Great." Marik dragged Seaking by the fin and walked over to the edge of the wave pool. His feet were constantly getting burned by the sunlight hitting the floor. "Seaking, dive." Seaking dove down to the bottom of the deep end of the wavepool, with Marik hanging on. A huge air bubble surrounded them both displacing the surrounding water, which allowed Marik to breathe underwater. After a brief two thirds of a moment spent searching, Marik picked up his Millennium rod from the bottom of the pool. "Yes! Now I can appease the fan girls with my super-powered dark side." When they went on shore, Marik transformed into Yami Marik. He was shirtless and wore snug but not too tight swim trunks. His toned abs and chest made a lot of the female swimmers turn heads. He looked about as muscular as Mario Lopez. Someone threw a beach ball at him. When it landed on his head, his sharp hair made it pop.

He left the waterpark, still shirtless. He went inside the gym, the same gym that Joey always goes to. He was still shirtless, but the gym staff didn't bat an eye. He ran on the treadmill for about 20 minutes to warm up. The water dripping from his shorts eventually made it short out. "Aw crap, I forgot to dry off."

After he got done drying off, he went over to the free weights. He dried off by getting endless paper towels out and slowly but surely drying himself off that way. And then he noticed the hand driers. So anyway, he put 3 45 lb plates on each side of the barbell, laid down in position, and did some bench pressing sets. And then, somewhere beyond the fourth wall were the squees of a thousand fan girls. It was like the front row of a One Direction concert, or any boyband, really. The squeals were so loud, Yami Marik had to cover his ears.

"You hear it too?" Tea asked Yugi. They were in line for the giant waterslide that looks like a funnel turned on its side.

"Yeah. What could it be? It sounds like a mix between a tornado siren and thousands of Duel Mon5ters fangirls squealing at being in the front row while one of the members goes shirtless." Yugi blushed slightly, not because he thought Tea looked cute, but because he was thinking about something embarrassing, and given his outspoken nature, he would have to blurt it out sooner than later.

"I think Misty Johnson could beat you if there was a swimsuit contest." Really? That was the embarrassing thing that I was building up to? Sheesh, I've read much worse stuff and been called worse stuff by people who are less outspoken. That seems like an honest opinion, not something worth getting irritated over. If I ever revealed Misty's last name previously in this story (I'm too lazy to check) and if it wasn't Johnson, then it is now.

"What? That slutty looking body flaunting red head?" I forgot to mention this, but Tea's swimsuit was a bit more conservative. It was a one-piece tank top that covered her belly, and leaving much of her back exposed, probably to provide greater arm flexibility in competitive swimming. "It's just a v on her body. I hate it when people strut around flaunting their body as if they think that just because they have more muscle tone, that means they're better than everyone else. Not to mention it arouses the pedophiles if there are any. She's what, 12 or 13? She's too young to be dressing like that! Actually I think 99 years old is too young to be dressing like that. Even if she was Methuselah she'd still be too young. Why was she even allowed in?"

"I dunno. Same reason I'm allowed in even tho I'm only wearing a pair of swimming trunks?" Yugi commented.

Before they could finish their conversation about clothing double standards, they found themselves at the front of the line. They got into their double raft, which arrived via delivery drone, and then off they went, down the tube of darkness. Some holographic images played inside the waterslide. They looked a bit like the Willy Wonka boat scene, which added to the scariness factor. Actually it was an exact carbon copy. Waterslides are inherently scary, but this sequence took it up to ten plus one.  
Back and forth they swung around the inside of the funnel on its side. Well, after they exited the tube that exited into the funnel. When they first did that, the raft did a full revolution, turning riders upside down. They did several loopty loops, plastering the both of them to the raft via centrifugal force before they slowed down enough to just swing halfway up before swinging to the other side.

"Either we're too heavy, or the designers miscalculated," Tea remarked.

Over at the office cubicle where the waterslide was manufactured, an engineer was doing all sorts of calculations via computer.

"Sir, you forgot to carry the one."

"I don't care, print out the blueprints anyway."

When they got to the end, Joey, Tristan, and Ash ran toward them.

"Dude, we just rode Actionator, the world's scariest waterslide. It is awesome."

"That?" Yugi looked up at it. It dominated the entire park like a human in an ant colony. "Nope!"

"Oh come on. You were willing to fight your possessed best friend in a do or go to the Shadow Realm duel but not ride a simple slide at a waterpark? Logic."

"That was different," Yugi said. "I was forced to. This is completely optional, and there are no stakes."

"Oh yeah?" Joey laughed sinisterly.

"I'm putting my foot down. You ain't getting me on that thing. Not after some reviews I read about it where the riders felt like the speed of the slide was literally ripping them apart. Wait, what the heck is that?' Yugi found a strange object on the ground. When he picked it up, he screamed. "IT'S SOMEONE'S EAR!" He panicked. "Ew, ew!"

Yugi took a moment to look for security when he bumped into Misty.

"Is that Brock's ear? Oh shoot, I forgot to call an ambulance to have them reattach it! Please don't call the police! I didn't mean to pull his ear off!" She said hysterically. Everything basically sounded like one word.

"What?" Yugi said disgustedly. As if on cue, Brock came running in through the front entrance.

"Oh, I left my ear here, didn't I? Silly me. Now to call an ambulance so they can reattach it." Brock did just that.

Ash, we really need to- oh my Arceus, they're taking sign-ups for a swimsuit contest? I am so in!" Misty ejaculated.

Misty pricked her finger and registered, signing the form in her own blood. And then she noticed there was a pen. She got a band-aid from her Victoria's secret compartment, and put it around her finger, threw away that form, got a blank one, and filled it out with her info. Tea also wanted to participate.

"I wanna participate as well," Joey said.

"Females only," The person at the desk told him.

"Aw." Joey hung his head down.

They were startled by Kaiba's booming voice. Apparently there was a Kaibacast in the waterpark. Bolted to one of the stair towers leading up to one of the waterslide complexes was one of the flat screen monitors that were placed sporadically over the downtown area.

"I already have 3 finalists, plus me. I suggest you get on with the Battle City 2 tournament, Yugi. Quit getting distracted and focus, cuz I want to battle you again in the finals, and I intend to win. I would hate for there to be 8 finalists, and none of them being you That just wouldn't be any fun. And yes, there is a video camera in the water park. It's near the kiddie pool section."

Everyone turned their heads. There was indeed a camera in the waterpark, and it was right next to the kiddie pool area.

"Ah Yugi, there you are!" Some random dude snarled. He was really fat. The bottom of his belly sagged below his waist like a little bit. He was also shirtless. "Let's duel right here, right now."

"Okay." Yugi agreed. Eh, I don't feel like narrating this duel. Let's see what other people are up to.


	16. More random ish happens

**Chapter 16: More random ish happens**

Team Rocket overheard Ash and Misty talking about the water park's incoming swimsuit contest.

"I want that victory that was wrongfully taken from me." James half-ranted. Jessie and James were conversing quietly in the command post.

"Dude, you had gag boobs. There is no way a victory would be legitimately satisfying."

"After all the years we've traveled together, and you still don't seem to know the one reason I play games and contests, and that is to win. I don't care about having fun or playing fair. Winning is all that matters to me, even if I have to cheat." Since Jessie was a woman, she didn't need to cheat if she entered.

"If there is one thing we're good at, it's paper thin disguises that can fool anyone, no matter how smart they are," Jessie reminded him. James nodded. They came out of the command post with some exciting news to the customers.

"We're closing early," they announced. "So go on. Git out! GIT OUT!" Jessie demanded. They did, and she flipped the open sign around so that it read closed.

Jessie redid James's hair so that it looked like girl hair. "Bee are bee." Jessie rode her Seviper over to the nearby amusement park to play a game so that she could win two basketballs as a prize. When she won two basketballs using the skills that she learned from playing basketball for the University of Kumatora Elementary Academy, she spray-painted them roughly a flesh color. She also bought a bikini in James's size. It wasn't easy. They didn't really sell bikinis in men's sizes.

She went back to wherever they were previously when before her voyage on her Seviper that evolved from her Arbok.

"Got yer gag boobs," Jessie said, sounding exactly like Hagrid from Harry Potter. "And your bikini. Also, please shave."

"Why do I have to shave?" James asked.

"Because you're a man, and I think you would look better and younger if you did."

"Actually, what I mean is, I don't think anime characters ever have hair anywhere other than on their heads. I've never grown body hair, ever. No one has. Body hair doesn't exist."

"Oh yeah," Jessie remembered. "Good point."

After the makeover of James, he looked in the mirror. It was good. "I look cute," he said seductively. "Ha ha, I am gonna win that prize, whatever it is."

Meanwhile Joey got in line for an incredibly intense looking attraction at the waterpark called the Byford Dolphin accident simulator. He waited 20 minutes in line just to get jammed through a small opening via sudden pressure change. He was literally in several pieces, just like the real Byford Dolphin incident. But he was still okay. No one ever dies in a Yu-Gi-Oh cartoon. He was just in the Shadow Realm. His good heart combined with his strong will was sufficient enough to be able to leave the Shadow Realm of his own accord. He was back to normal now. "That sure was weird as f-" The life guard whistle from nearby drowned out his next word.


	17. The Swimsuit contest

**Chapter 17: The Swimsuit contest**

"Ladies and gentle boys who are grown up. We welcome you to our 600th annual Domino City swimsuit contest. I am your host, Samera Alicorn. I am Pegasus's sister. Let's get this party started. Here are our contestants. Jessie Rutherford, a red headed young adult who says she is a humanoid alien from a planet that looks like a giant gear wheel. Jamey (insert James's last name), a purple haired girl who is definitely not a guy with gag boobs pretending to be a girl so he can partake in this contest. Misty Johnson, the leader of Cerulean City gym on her home planet, which I assume is the same planet that the other two contestants I roll called are from. Tea Gardner, a high school student who should be in school right now. Her grades probably suck. She probably has more F's on her report card than there are in the entirety of War and Peace." If there were any more contestants, Samera roll called them. But they're not important, if they exist.

"Alright, make sexy poses." I don't know exactly how swimsuit contests play out in real life since I've never actually had the patience to sit thru one. It's just an hour or more of fanservice. I don't know if there is anything else that's more interesting.

"You go, Tea," Yugi cheered in the audience. Tea winked. Misty jumped 60 feet up to the top of one of the waterslide complexes, hung by the bottom of her swimsuit, and let go. She fell and nearly touched the ground, and then bounced right up. She bounced up and down several times like a yo-yo. When she was done bouncing, she climbed up her swimsuit and went back onto the catwalk. Her legs were that strong apparently.

"Whoa, made it!" Brock was out of breath. He sat in the audience somewhere to the left. "Hubba hubba. I wanna flirt with all of those ladies." Brock really adored the fanservicey contestants in the swimsuit contest. Oh, I just remembered, Serenity also entered. She and Tea were the only ones who were wearing conservative looking swimsuits that covered their midriffs.


	18. Narrator vs Plot

**Chapter 18: Narrator vs. Plot**

AUGH! Please, plot, don't make me write about something I have no experience in writing about if the only interesting thing about it is the fanservice! Please, I beg you, I'd rather write about anything else! Look, I'll talk about Yugi's pet gerbil that he owned in elementary school. What? It's not important enough to the plot? What about the whole elevator butt thing? Or the Actionator waterslide? What relevance does the swimsuit contest have with you? Augh, this doesn't make sense. I'm gonna have to speak to my manager. I don't feel like thinking about what they're going to do during the contest. I have not actually watched any swimsuit contests all they way through, so why should I have to narrate it? Screw you, plot. I'm going home.


	19. Yugi's Duel Outcome

**Chapter 19: Yugi's Duel Outcome**

"Ha ha, I have drawn Exodia, the forbidden one. Since your Egyptian God cards have all been replaced with Windows error messages, there is nothing stopping you from losing. Course, there would be nothing stopping you from losing anyway. Exodia, obliterate." When Exodia was about to begin its attack animation, one of those red and white tennis balls was thrown in this general direction. The Exodia hologram went inside it. After wiggling for several seconds, the tennis ball looking thing, which was actually a Pokeball, stopped wiggling. The Exodia hologram was replaced with a Windows error message.

"DANG IT! I was about to win!" The fat guy, who I forgot to name earlier, assuming I don't go back before this paragraph and add his name in, and even if I do, I will not edit this paragraph. His name was Jeremy. "I guess I'll have to settle for ending my turn. Thanks a lot, runt. I don't know how you cheated, and I'm not sure I wanna know, but I know you somehow cheated. And once Kaiba's goons find out you cheated, you are gonna get disqualified. I am gonna expose you for the fraud that you are, and since we are dueling in front of a camera, we have proof. Seriously, no one could have beaten the great Pegasus, who was the creator of the card game, without cheating." This felt like déjà vu. Yugi had heard this exact speech before. Fortunately he had developed a thick skin. Actually he never developed a thick skin. He had it in full swing since he was born.

"I never cheat. And the Exodia being caught in a Pokeball was not my fault at all, I swear. I was ready to accept losing. Honest."

Yugi knocked out the rest of his life points with his Transgender Dark Magician.

"Tell you what. If you can somehow prove that it was not your fault, I will let it slide. Capische?" Yugi nodded.

"Hey Ash!" Yugi called out. Jeremy walked up to the camera and ripped up his Exodia cards, and Yugi's bracelet glowed a little bit brighter. HURRY UP, PLOT! I WANNA GET TO THE FINALS! RAWR! Ash turned his head back. Actually he didn't just do that. He turned it 180 degrees like an owl. It was slightly creepy. "I need you to invade a random duel and capture someone's duel monster. I need to prove to this guy that I did not cheat." Ash exited the waterpark and found a duel where someone was using Jinzo. Ash threw a Pokeball at Jinzo, and it was caught. Jinzo was replaced with a Windows XP error message.

"Okay, Yugi. I'm sorry I accused you of cheating." Then Jeremy added in an angry tone, "Your friend Ash is the one that needs to pay."

"Even tho his recklessness allowed me to win, yes, I agree."

"Can we replay this exact match card for card up to that point?" Jeremy pleaded. "You know, since me losing was kinda unfair."

"I don't know how we're gonna do that since you ripped up your Exodia cards and even if you hadn't they'd be unusable anyway since Pokeballs that catch holograms render the cards permanently unusable, although I'm pretty sure buying a replacement of that card would be able to get around that, but if there's only one of that card in the entire world, then I guess you're shit out of luck, unless you somehow convinced Pegasus to make another copy. Well, unless you were just dueling on a tabletop completely vanilla, no fancy shmancy hologram technology but no one really does that anymore, especially since I don't really know how I'm supposed to use my Catapult Turtle to launch my Dragon Champion toward the castle of dark illusions, thereby shattering its floatation ring and causing it to collapse on someone's monsters."

Yugi got back to the waterpark. The swimsuit contest was over.

"So, how was the contest?" Yugi asked casually.

"I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!" Tea screamed angrily.

"ME NEITHER," Misty screamed at a similarly loud volume. "My slingshot swimsuit showed more skin than anything I can think of while not being naked."

Yugi then heard a male voice cheer "I'm so happy that I won! Yay!" He turned his head in the direction it was coming from. It was James.

"Now you see why I'm so upset," Tea fumed. "The fact that he won that is even more offensive than 'ching chong ding dong' is to an Asian person. If there was a petition on change dot org to protest that, I would sign it. Miss Samera." Tea called. "I think you should reconsider who you declared as the winner. James is obviously very much a man in drag."

"Oh, I knew that," Samera confessed.

"Pardon?" Tea asked.

"You mean I wore this humiliating disguise for absolutely no reason if they were gonna allow men anyway?"

"Yes. We always allowed men to enter. But no, the disguise was not 100 percent pointless. At least it made you prettier. It's just harder for men to win because they often don't look as good in a bikini since they're an entirely different body type. So almost no males ever enter." As if reading Tea and Misty's minds, Samera added "It has nothing to do with being accepting of transgender males who identify as females. Also, Tea, you wouldn't have won anyway because your swimsuit doesn't show enough skin."

"But I clearly saw you guys disallow Joey earlier for being a man."

"Did we? Oops, sorry, my mistake. I forgot that men could enter."

"There you are!" Misty and Brock scolded. "You have a lot of work to do and not much time. The guy blocking the Cerulean Cave is still in dire condition and he's counting on you. I know I sound like a broken record, but WE NEED TO MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!" Misty sent out Politoed. Ash sent out Obelisk, a.k.a. Blue Golem. Somehow the battle wasn't completely one-sided, but Obelisk ended up winning. He referred to Exodia and Jinzo as "Brown Egyptian Golem" and "Robot Clown" respectively.

"Very good. If that Pokemon is really strong against mine then surely it can do well enough at the Kanto Pokemon league. Oh, right."

"What's the matter?" Ash the past tense of say.

"I have no idea how to get off of this planet." Ash got an idea.

"Hey, Samera," he called to Pegasus's sister. "Can you be a good Samera-tan and help me with something?"

"Sure."

"You saw through James's disguise just fine. Can you verify the identity of the owners of the Troll Buffet? I have the faintest suspicion but I'm gonna play on the safe side in case they're not. I don't wanna make the wrong people blast off by accident."

"Sure." Samera went inside the Troll Buffet and looked at the trio of restaurant owners. Her radar was beeping. Feeling hungry, she grabbed a plate of applesauce and a veggie burger. The applesauce was just fine, but her veggie burger was a regular burger. Yes, a regular burger with a beef patty, not a veggie patty. "Good thing I'm not a vegetarian or else I would be flippin tables or something. Dang, those beef patties could cause cancer."

Samera walked back out.

"Yes, they are Team Rocket," Samera confirmed.

"I knew it," Ash said.

"No, you didn't. You never do. You're always fooled by their disguises, no matter how minimalist the disguises happen to be. They could have nothing more than a small pimple on their face and for all you know, they could be someone else entirely. Quit lying, kid." Ash had never felt criticized so harshly. The bluntness of her statements felt like a thorn. And yet at the same time it felt good to have an outspoken character speak to him for once instead of being coddled by his friends sugarcoating everything. Maybe that's why he's never managed to be a Pokemon Master, or why he hasn't turned 11 yet.

Ash then remembered what his plan was.

"Hey Team Rocket, please have my Pikachu. Here." He got Pikachu out of its Pokeball and punted it over to Team Rocket like a football. Jessie caught it.

"Oh my Arceus, he's so cute," James not said. He was squeeze hugging it. What he was doing to Pikachu resembled Mabel squeeze hugging Waddles in the Gravity Falls intro. He tried not to do it too hard this time.

While they were distracted by Pikachu's cuteness, Ash tiptoed toward Jessie's bookbag, being careful to make a noise like a peanut, and no more. He quietly snatched the Pokeball with her Seviper in it.

"Ha ha, I stole your Seviper. What now, punks!" Ash did a raspberry at Team Rocket.

"Pikachu, use thunderbolt." Jessie ordered. Ash quickly gestured Misty and Brock to stand together so they could be targeted by the thunderbolt blast.

"THE TWERPS ARE BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" The twerps, um, what's the next word? Misty, Brock, and the one that wasn't either of those (the stupid one wearing the hat with the tongue) disappeared into the blue thing surrounding the earth and found themselves in space. Misty was still in her all too revealing swimsuit.


	20. Stupid Sequels

**Chapter 20: Stupid Sequels**

What the Shadow Realm are you watching?" Tea was curious.

"Tristan is making me watch A Troll in Central Park 2 and filming a reaction video." Joey moaned,

"Wait, there's a sequel?" Tea not asked.

"Yes. The first movie wasn't very good to begin with, but the sequel makes the first one look like a masterpiece. It makes the first movie seem butch. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would rather sit through all 5 seasons of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic than this abomination of a movie, and I really hate those Technicolor ponies. Heck, I'd rather read Dipper Goes to Taco Bell."

"After this, wanna watch Food Fight 2? It's even more badly animated than The Little Panda Fighter, which has a sequel as well. Apparently the makers of The Little Panda Fighter consider MS Paint an animation software."

"Tristan lost a bet. He bet that he wouldn't puke at the bottom of the Actionator waterslide. He totally did. He turned the water olive green, and then got banned from the park because puking is not allowed. That is why I am making him watch all these stupid sequels."

"Those stupid water park staff banned me for life, which is stupid. What if someone forgets to bring their water bottle one day, and they dehydrate, or maybe they nearly drown, and then they vomit, and that gets them kicked out of the waterpark for life. I am going to make a petition on change dot org to have then unban me from the waterpark. I have a dad bod and I want to work out at the gym for many a moon, and then go back into the waterpark with my six pack so I can flaunt it. Even tho I read that ladies are now suddenly attracted to dad bods, I don't seek to attract the attention of others. I seek to attract the attention of others." Tristan ranted.

"Is this part of the video? Joey asked.

"What video? I see no videos."

"Oh, that's right. I shouldn't even acknowledge the 4th wall." Joey got back to watching the rest of A Troll in Central Park 2. It took him about 4 hours to watch the 94 minute film. He never paused it or took any breaks. He watched it in one sitting without blinking. When it was over he felt a slimy plop next to him. When he looked down he saw that it was his own brain. The movie was so bad it did that to him.

"I am so putting this on YouTube." Tristan said in an evil grin slash laugh.

"HOW DARE YOU MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME FOR MAKING ME WATCH THOSE STUPID SEQUELS FOR LOSING A BET!" Tristan screamed.

"Lol, I'm still gonna put it on YouTube cuz it will get views," Joey smirked.

"Ha ha, next up is Food Fight 2, then The Little Panda Fighter 2, then Toy Story 5, then last but not least, Human Centipede 4."

"This is god painful," Joey lamented.

"Random fact: after the near universally critical acclaim of Toy Story 4, Toy Story 5 only got a 5% on Rotten Tomatoes. It was written by the same writing staff that wrote the script for the Garbage Pail Kids Movie."

After the stupid movie sequel marathon, Tristan, who really hates ponies and is not a brony, needed some brain bleach, so he watched some episodes of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. "That was a lot of cringe," Joey said in disgust as Tristan was uploading the footage of Tristan reacting on YouTube and all his social mediums.

Tristan put all the movie sequels in a bag and put a duel disc on it. He then texted Marik.

"Hey Marik, come over to (insert the house's address that for some reason Joey, Tristan, and Tea all live at, or maybe it's an apartment or a condo) and play a Shadow Game with me. Sincerely, a bag of bad movie sequels."

Marik ran over there as fast as he could, transformed into his dark form, tore off his shirt, and prepared to duel. He made a Shadow Realm appear. Ugh, duels are so boring to write about, so I'm just gonna cut to the end. Marik won. The bag of bad movie sequels is now banished to the Shadow Realm. So were the bad movie sequels as well.

"You have a 6 pack? Oh my gosh, I only have a 5 pack!" Joey complained. "I wanna get an extra ab square so I can be tied with you."

"Game on," Dark Marik agreed. "Meet me at the gym at (insert the amount of time that they agreed, my mind is drained from endless bad movies, so please forgive me.)"


	21. Kanto 2nd run

**Chapter 21: Kanto 2** **nd** **run**

Ash and company landed back in Palette Town. It was exactly as he remembered it. 3 buildings. Two of them were houses, one of them was a science lab.

"Come on out, Red Seviper." Ash sent out Slifer the sky dragon. "Oh cool, you also know fly. I guess that means I don't have to complacently make you use bite anymore." Misty was very visibly worried.

"Each time I journey to and fro Earth, it seems like the journey gets noticeably shorter each time. Oh Arceus, I hope they're not speeding toward each other such that they might collide!"

"That's nice. Everyone, get on Red Seviper. Red Seviper, take us to the entrance of the Pokemon league." Slifer was absolutely clueless. He had the ability, obviously, as he seemed to know where everything was.

"Oh, that's right. Seviper, fly to just in front of the Viridian city Pokemon center." Then just out of nowhere, a random germ on Brock's face yelled at the top of its organelles "I HATE 4CHAN BECAUSE THEY LIBERALLY USE AUTISM AS AN IN-JOKE OR INSULT OR SOMETHING." It was loud enough for Ash and company to hear.

Slifer flew them to just in front of the Viridian Pokemon center. They didn't feel like walking the rest of the way, so they sat down and scooted the rest of the way there. It was harder and slower than walking, especially if there were any upward elevation changes, but at least it wasn't walking.

When Ash got to the first badge checkpoint, the guard saw it and shook his head.

"Sorry, you shall not pass."

"What? But I still have all 8 Kanto badges. Right here."

The guard formed his right hand into a circle. "One does not simply walk into the Pokemon league. At least not with those outdated badge designs. Yes, I remember you walking thru here a long time ago with your 8 badges, but since then, we changed the badge designs because to keep things fresh. We have also added a ninth gym, so now you need 9 badges."

"A 9th gym in the Pokemon league? Hmmm… Wonder what it could be." Ash crossed his fingers. "Please be a dark gym, please be a dark gym."

"The Viridian city now has 2 gyms. One regular gym with a regular gym leader and the other for Team Rocket to use as a command post. Your father, I mean, the team rocket boss, is still the gym leader for the latter gym that I mentioned. Even to this day it is still unclear what his specialty element is. He has ground, poison, and psychic types, I think. That right there is enough to violate the gym leader code, which requires all gym leaders to se a team of one specific element so that trainers can find and catch a conveniently placed Pokemon nearby which has an elemental strength against the gym leader's team. To date, no one has ever defeated him cuz his psyclones are impossible to beat. And yes, there are numerous trainers each year who collect all 9 badges."

"Oh come on!" Misty fumed. All the hair on her head stood up on end. "You listen here. I have a friend who is dying, and his life depends on Ash winning the elite 4. If you insist on forcing him to collect all 9 badges all over again then his time might run out. Please sir, have a heart."

"Are you bullshitting me? How can someone's life depend on whether or not a particular trainer wins the elite 4? Also, no one ever dies here. I don't know why but suddenly death is no longer a thing, and now people just go to the Shadow Realm instead, which is not as permanent as death but it's worse. It's often described as a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth." Need I remind you that Misty is still in her swimsuit? "Also, if you actually changed into actual clothes instead of walking around, flaunting your skin, then maybe I might be slightly more likely to take you seriously." This statement brought tears to her eyes. It was a personal secret she kept locked away that she didn't want to talk about. When she was a child, back when people actually could age, her home was burned down to the ground. All her clothes and money were a substance called destroy, so she had to live at and take a job at the Pokemon gym to survive. Her lone swimsuit was all the clothing she ever had since her home was burned down. She then had an epiphany. _Since my employer does direct deposits, why not use the money I earned from being a gym leader to buy some more clothes?_

Misty found a conveniently placed ATM inside a hollow tree. She was shocked to find that her employer had not paid her at all. "What is this, Applebees? Arceus damn it! I need to speak to my boss ASAP! Sorry Ash, but I can't be your full-time cheerleader. No, actually, the guy in front of the cave's life is on the line and is more important, so my dire money situation can wait. I think that guy was bullshitting when he said that people can no longer die but instead they go to the Shadow Realm."

Ash showed up at the Viridian gym since it was closer than Pewter city.

"I'm here to challenge the leader of this," He looked at the sign. It was an electric gym. "ANOTHER ELECTRIC GYM? So Kanto has 2 electric gyms now? They'd rather put 2 electric gyms in the same region than introduce a dark gym. I'm gonna have to make a petition on change dot org about this. This cannot be ignored. I have gone through about 19 regions, and none of them ever had a dark gym! ARCEUS DAMMIT!"

"You want to challenge Sparkpaw? Well too bad, you have to save this gym for last. All trainers are required to fight the gym leaders in this order: Brock, Misty, Lt. Surge, Erika, Sabrina, Koga, Blaine, Giovanni, and Sparkpaw."

"Hello." The voice came from an orange furred kitten. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? "Sorry I can't battle you yet until you beat all the other gym leaders."  
"BUT I'M HERE RIGHT NOW!" Ash said thru gritted teeth. "Or are you scared?"

"It's just my Pokemon are at a much higher level than any of the early gym leaders. You'd get curbstomped if you went in with a level 11 Charmander."

"Wait, levels are a thing? I thought they only existed in the video games. You're telling me that Pokemon also grow levels in real life?"

"Yes."

"Well, my Pikachu is, I estimate, level 9001. It's so hardcore it could easily knock out a Golem even tho it shouldn't be able to because it's a ground type, and it doesn't have a horn for me to aim at.

"Ugh, fine. Let's do this," Sparkpaw conceded. She reached into her book bag with her tail, wrapped her tail tip around a Pokeball, and chucked it out.

"Go, Raikou." Sparkpaw sent out Raikou.

"Who's that Pokemon?" Ash flipped out his Pokedex.

"Raikou, the electric gerbil Pokemon. Part of a trio of legendary gerbils who are reincarnated forms of the Eeveelutions, Raikou is the reincarnation of a dead Jolteon, who died during Ecruteak city's version of September 11, 2001. Raikou is very fast and can sleep run. He can probably beat you in a 5K run."

Ash sent out Magikarp because he totally would.

"A Magikarp? Oh come on, you're kidding, right? Magikarp is basically a plasticine shell, especially against an electric type legendary."

5 minutes later…

"Raikou is unable to battle. Magikarp wins," the robot referee announced.

The referee was a robot. "They cut out referee jobs when they realized the same job could be done by a robot. And yes, the robot gets paid," Sparkpaw clarified.

"We won!" Ash celebrated. He high-fived Magikarp. "Also, that's depressing that they would replace referees with robots."

"Raikou was only a warm-up. I choose you, Arceus." Sparkpaw sent out Arceus. It was holding the electric plate.

"Another legendary." Ash flipped out his Pokedex. "Arceus, the God Pokemon. Arceus created the Universe in six days and rested n the seventh. He sacrificed His son on the cross for our sins, and he loves every living thing on the planet, even if they don't love Him back. He was also captured by a 10 year old kid in a Pokeball without weakening it."

"Return, Magikarp. Go, Blue Golem." Ash sent out Blue Golem, a.k.a. Obelisk the Tormentor.

"Whoa, what what what?" Sparkpaw grew wide-eyed. "Blue Golem? Are you sure that is that Pokemon's name?" Sparkpaw got out her Pokedex. No Pokedex data available.

"Well shoot." Sparkpaw stared at the ground in despair. "I don't even know how to find out its name since it never ever speaks."

"I don't even know what attacks it has or what type it is, so I might as well take a guess. I think probably fighting type, maybe either ground or rock as well. And attacks, IDK, I think it has some kind of punching attack. Blue Golem, use punching." Blue Golem punched Arceus in the jaw. Its mask came off. Ash's jaw dropped. It wasn't an Arceus at all. It was a short-haired petite Asian lady wearing a sports bra and skin tight shorts. Ash's eyes became hearts.

"Oh my Arceus, I can't see!" Ash panicked. "My eyes turned into hearts! Also, it smells really bad!" The more he panicked, the faster his eye hearts started beating, and the faster they started beating, the louder they became, and the louder they became, the more anxious he became, and you see how this becomes a vicious cycle. "I'm sorry, I have to look away." When Ash looked away, his hearts turned back into eyes. "I shouldn't look at people I might be in love with anyway." He spent the rest of the battle not looking at the action. He wasn't sure what to do if that wasn't a real Arceus.

"Well drat, you knocked out my Arceus, I mean, congrats. And guess what? Those were my only 2 Polkamon. So you win. Here's the ion badge." Ash received the ion badge and exited the gym. He went next door to Giovanni's gym.

"G'day," Giovanni said in an Australian accent. "Hi Misty and Ching chong ding dong desu."

"My name is Brock, and I am not Asian, and even if I was, that's quite offensive. Actually not exactly if Google translate is to be believed. According to Google translate, ching chong translates to eat that punch. I guess it's fitting in the sense that anyone who says that might get punched in the mouth, or maybe anyone who says ching chong to an Asian person is really telling them to eat a fruit punch flavored Popsicle. Wait, do I know for a fact that I'm not Asian?"

For the first time in forever, Ash actually thought about that. What race was Brock? Was he Asian? Or African American? Or Brazilian? Or Antarctican? Or Middle Eastern?

"Hey Brock, what race are you?" Ash finally asked.

"I have no idea," Brock admitted.

"Let's battle. Go, Mewtwo 2." Giovanni sent out Mewtwo 2. "I made a clone of Mewtwo and called it Mewtwo 2. The original Mewtwo ran away to hide in Cerulean cave, knowing full well he or she has outlived his or her usefulness, while Mewtwo 2 can do everything the original Mewtwo can do, and more."

"Go, Hippogriff." Ash sent out Winged Dragon of Ra. And then he wasn't sure which attack to use. It wasn't as clear cut as the other Egyptian God cards.

"Hippogriff, use… peck? Bite? Fly?" Ash cycled through a lot of the entire catalogue of Pokemon attacks, with the Winged Dragon of Ra not being able to use a great deal of them. And then finally he commanded for it to use iron tail, and the Dragon complied. It was actually met with resistance. Mewtwo 2 used a psychic attack.

"Ra, use curse," Ash called out.

"Damn bitch ass piss 4Kids."

"Mewtwo 2, use your Bible attack." Mewtwo 2 procured a Bible and forced Ra to read it.

"Aw crap, according to this, I don't exist, and neither do Slifer or Obelisk! This is greatly discouraging. Also, this love for Jesus I'm suddenly feeling is making me not want to attack you anymore. I think I love you, Mewtwo 2. Thank you." Giovanni's eyes stretched out of their sockets.

"You're not supposed to thank him. You're supposed to be turned into a pussified wimp so that Mewtwo 2 will curbstomp you!" Ra clasped its wings together and prayed.

"Dear Lord, please smite this son of a bitch Mewtwo 2. Amen." And then Mewtwo 2 was incinerated at the drop of a hat. He turned into a pile of black ash, with white eyeballs on top. When they blinked, they made a stock sound effect.

"Mewtwo 2 is unable to battle. Winged Dragon of Ra wins." The robot referee beeped.

"Oh awesome. The referee robots know the names of the strange Pokemon I caught in Battle City. Now I know that my Hippogriff is the Winged Dragon of Ra."

"Go, genesect 2." After about 20 minutes, Genesect 2 was knock outed. Seriously, why do we say "KO'ed" but not "knock outed"? Shouldn't we say "Ked O"?

"My final Pokemon. Go, Mega Rayquaza 2." Ash was disappointed how easily Exodia knocked out the tougher version of the already game-breaking mega evolved Pokemon.

"Mega Rayquaza 2 is unable to battle. Exodia wins. And the winner of the match goes to Ash Tyler Ketchum from Palette Town."

"I have no more Pokemon I can battle with. Therefore, you win. Here's the (insert name of Giovanni's badge) which is a reward for your efforts. Congrats on beating the toughest gym leader in the Kanto region." When Ash got the (insert name of Giovanni's badge) he felt a wave of disappointment wash over him like the waterfall metaphor that Kelly Clarkson uses in her song 'Invincible' when she says "beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall." If this was the toughest Kanto gym leader, and he beat him fairly easily (but not quite a curbstomp battle, thankfully) then the rest of the Kanto gyms would just be an unfun slogging journey of epic proportions. At least he would be able to defeat the Pokemon league tournament and then possible the Elite 4, and that was all that mattered. Heck, maybe he would actually become a Pokemon master, whatever that is. I don't even know anymore," Ash said.

"What the fug? I legitimately don't know if that was Ash saying that or the narrator?" Misty said. "I didn't see a set of quotation marks around the beginning of that thought, but there was one at the end, followed by Ash said. This story is getting really weird."

"I know, right. On the way out of the gym, which was still a confusing maze by the way, one that made the Winchester Mystery House seem perfectly linear, he had to go to the bathroom.

"I don't know who needs to go to the bathroom, me or Brock. The narrator said he needed to go to the bathroom but there are 2 males in this group so I don't know which male the narrator is referring to."

Okay. Brock really needed to go to the bathroom. Happy now, characters?

"Thank you, StupidSequel." Brock went to the bathroom for the first time in about 18 years because I don't think there are any bathrooms in the Pokemon Anime.

"You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome," Brock said in Eric Cartman's voice from South Park.

While Brock was washing his hands, he saw a dark haired girl walk in.

"You're a girl, you shouldn't be in here! This is the men's bathroom." Brock scolded.

"I may be a girl biologically, but I prefer to be called a boy. I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, so I should be free to use the bathroom corresponding to the gender that I identify as, and I identify as a male. So yeah, I am transgender."

"Wait, you can just walk in here and no one will stop you? By the way, I still think you're kinda cute." Alex blushed slightly, and then squatted over one of the urinals since she only needed to pee and not go number two. It was kinda hard.

"Not only that but I also use men's changing rooms and showers without incident, because I identify as a man. My name is Alex."

"Well, duh, I knew that. The narrator said so before you formally introduced yourself. Anyway, I'll be right back. I need to go tell Ash something. But I think you look attractive. Not sure if that makes me the slightest bit bisexual or if I'm still straight."

Brock finished washing his hands and went to go tell Ash that John dies at the end. No, just kidding.

"Hey Ash. I'm sure you're probably thinking that fighting the rest of the Pokemon league gyms is going to be a tedious venture thru fighting against easily beatable Pokemon. What if I suggested going back there and telling the badge checkers that you identify as a Pokemon league participant with all 9 badges? A girl identifying as a boy used the men's bathroom, so it's worth a try."

"You're absolutely right," Ash praised. "I should totally try that."

9 years later they traveled back to the badge check thing at the Pokemon league. Actually it wasn't 9 years, it was about 45 minutes, but it felt like 9 years.

"2 badges? That is not nearly enough to get you in the Pokemon league! I, I mean, my hair won't let you get any further." The guard blocking the way had a hairdo that looked like a tall spike, and he had a deep, grumbling voice.

"I sexually identify as a Pokemon league participant with all 9 badges, and I have a right not to be discriminated against."

"Oh. Well in that case, go on ahead. But don't tell no one. This is just between you and me."

Ash went into Victory road.

"Welcome to the Aperture Science fake cave facility known as victory Road," the trio heard a robotic voice come on the loudspeaker. "This cave features several Sokoban puzzles. Please use Pokemon that know strength to push the boulders on the 1500-Megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super-Colliding Super Buttons."

Ash sent out Obelisk the Tormentor, and then found the CD case labeled 'strength.' He put the CD inside Obelisk's disk drive located on his head. Obelisk now knew strength. But he just stood there, did not move the boulders like a Sokoban game.

"Oh, right. Obelisk, use strength." Still, he stood still. "Oh, that's right. It doesn't work that way. Return, Obelisk." And then somehow Ash was able to move the spherical boulder that was about as tall as he was. He could only push it in 4 foot increments and in orthogonal directions. That was very much inconvenient. Then he ran into a wild Pokemon.

"A wild Zubat appeared. Go, Winged Dragon of Ra. Winged Dragon of Ra, return." He ran away without attacking. He did this with every single wild Pokemon he came across. "Son of a female Lilipup, I backed the boulder in the corner! Now this puzzle is unwinnable." Ash climbed the ladder to see what else there was, and when he got to the lower level, he heard a mechanical whirring sound from above. Curious, he climbed back to the upper level and the boulder had mysteriously returned to its starting position.

"Congratulations, you have discovered a very useful feature of this man-made cavern. When you get to a different floor of the cave or exit the cave, the boulders all move back to their starting locations on their own. They are programmed to do that," the GlaDOS voice started again.

"Cool," Ash said happily like a kid in a candy store.

When the trio got through victory road, they came to a large stadium. The Pokemon League tournament. To Ash's disappointment, there was a sign on the door. It said "tournament starts on December 25th. Tickets go on sale October." It was near October.

"NO! The guy in front of Cerulean Cave can't wait that much longer! There has to be another way!" Misty panicked.

"I dunno what to do, might as well go fly back home and play Super Mario Maker." Ash flew back to his home on Slifer the Sky Dragon and turned on Super Mario Maker. He played the 100 Mario challenge. When he got to the ridiculously difficult level called P-Break, he used his last skip, only for it to be replaced with the even more ridiculously difficult U-Break.

He literally played Mario Maker non-stop until Christmas, doing nothing but completing the 100 Mario challenge and trying to make insanely difficult levels. He also got insanely fat like the people aboard the Axiom in WALL-E.

"Oh my Arceus, I need to lose…" Ash got on the scale. He weighed 598 pounds. "500 pounds real quick so I don't get made fun of when I go back to the Pokemon league." 98 pounds is perfectly healthy for a 10 year old kid at Ash's height, right? I think it is. Since he wouldn't have time for a full-fledged exercise regimen before going to fight in the Pokemon league tournament, he decided the thing to do would be to perform liposuction on himself. He took the rainbow vacuum out of the closet, used his Scyther to make a small incision on his stomach, and put the end of the vacuum nozzle in there. Ash never received any medical training but he understood the basics of liposuction and it looked easy enough, so how hard could it be?

Actually, not real hard, tho it was still pretty painful since he had no anesthetic or numbing whatsoever. The liposuction operation was a complete success, and absolutely nothing went wrong despite being done by an idiot 10 year old kid on himself. Ash stepped on the scale. It still said 598 pounds. "What? Oh come on, I'm skinny as a twig. How can I still weigh that much? Oh, that's right, I'm incredibly dense. Duh!"

Ash flew back to the Pokemon league by farting. He arrived just in time. Since he only had 2 badges, the staff generally agreed that he needed to not be discriminated against since his gender identity was Pokemon league competitor. Brock and Misty had bought tickets for seats on the main concourse, near the front rows, so they could cheer him on audibly. The main and upper concourse sections had robotic ushers helping people to their seats.

"Damn, more jobs being replaced by robots. This is going to be a really scary future."

When Ash went to use the main concourse bathroom, he was startled by a vaguely familiar voice.

"Why did you do it?" Ash was confused. He turned toward the speaker. He recognized the figure, a person he hadn't seen since sometime before he started his journey.


	22. I forgot

**Chapter 22: I forgot**

Oh, I just remembered, during the time that Brock spent in the bathroom, after he went number two, he got his camera out and snapped a picture. His turd was about 20 feet long. It was an amalgamation of all the food he had eaten for the past several years. This has absolutely no bearing on the plot, but I felt the need to mention it anyway just because it's a thing that happened.

So Team Rocket closed down the Troll Buffet because I'm tired of writing about it. Jesse poured gasoline all over it, ingested a whole bottle of Wasabi sauce, and burned the whole thing down.

"Now that we got that twerp's Pikachu, how do we contact the boss?" James wondered.

"Oh snap, you're right. We're on different planets. But for some strange reason I feel like going to the library. I have this nagging feeling that I don't read nearly enough."

"Okay." The Team Rocket trio took an airplane, a subway, a train, a boat, and a space shuttle to the library, which happened to be just a couple blocks away from where they were outside of the Troll Buffet.

The Domino City Library was kinda big. The shelves were tall enough that there were turbo bungees placed all around them so that you could bounce up to the top shelves if you wanted to check out a book from the top shelf. James did just that. He found a peculiar book on the top shelf, covered in dust. James blew it off. The dust was enough to block out all the light and make it seem like a power outage. Jessie sneezed so hard she blasted off. She didn't need any of the turbo bungees to see what was on the top shelves.

"I wonder where the twerps have gone to. I can't find them anywhere, so they must have gone back to our home planet."

"Of course that's where they went dumbass," Meowth said slightly angrily. "Did you not see them blasting off at more than full force?"

"Oh yeah," James recalled. "Maybe if we get enough dusty books, then maybe we just might sneeze strongly enough to blast off with enough force to go into space. It's worth a try. Oh man, I just remembered, I was gonna look at the book I picked up." He looked at the title. The book was called 'YugiohMon" and the author was someone whose pseudonym was 'StupidSequel.'

"Hmmm… This sounds interesting, like a fun way to get wasted without drinking." It came shipped with a bottle of booze. "I hope this book isn't terrible enough that the booze is actually necessary."

"Nah, you'll like it. It's still way better than Dipper Goes to Taco Bell, which is still better than the full text of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Seriously, the TPP text is so boring. Several pages in, and we still get no info about any of the characters or their motivation. No conflict, no plot, no characters. Just some BS about the economy, trade, intellectual property, and medicine. How is the reader supposed to sustain interest for over 5,000 pages?" Meowth mused. "That's longer than The Bible, and slightly less confusing than Finnegans Wake."

"Same way viewers are supposed to sit through the 94 minute sequel to A Troll in Central Park. 94 minutes of pure torture. Not even the Nostalgia Critic could stomach that one. I heard there's absolutely no conflict, there's nothing even remotely resembling a coherent plot, it treats 3 year old viewers like morons, and it got a 0% score on Rotten Tomatoes. Out of about 120 reviews. Not all of the reviewers even sat through the whole thing." James retaliated in retaliation.

"Oh my Arceus, I would not even wish that upon my worst enemy." Jessie freaked out. "I hate hearing about the most atrocious movie sequels in existence because it drives me crazy but somehow I still want to because at the same time I'm intrigued. If I ever actually watched them I would likely get PTSD, but hearing or reading about them is probably gonna be very different."

"Okay, but first things first. We still have to get back to our home planet and find the twerps." They took turns jumping on the turbo bungee attractions to get books from the top shelves, inhale much of the dust, and blast off by sneezing, but unfortunately none of their sneezes could even get remotely close to breaking Earth's atmosphere. The highest they could get blasting off was about 1,000 feet.

"Okay, this isn't a happenin' deal." James moaned. One of the books he picked up was Finnegans Wake 2.

"Finnegans Wake 2? Seriously?" He looked at the blurb. "This book makes Finnegans Wake look like it's written in beige prose, and it's so hard to read that not even the author himself could understand what he wrote."

James checked out Yu-Gi-OhMon and Finnegans Wake 2. And then they felt like going to the gym because they had nothing better to do since reading is boring.

"Ha ha, I win!" Yugi cheered. Then his bracelet turned white. "And that means I can now go to the finals." He was the 6th person to have his bracelet turn white. He had just beaten Arkana in a rematch, but you don't care about the details of the duel, or at least I hope you don't. Yes, the dark energy discs were back. Arkana ripped up his own Dark Magician card and then was promptly sent into mental oblivion by the dark energy disc.

"That douche bag deserved it." Yugi put on some oven mitts and carefully took out the dark energy discs. "Oh crap, now the oven mitts are sent to the Shadow realm. Oh well, at least they can't scream. Oh, I so hope one of them was that annoying Arby's mascot that was an uncanny valley living mitt. He deserves it for being annoying." He thought it would be funny to use them as a prank. He snuck into Domino City high school and into the woodshop classroom. He removed the buzz saws and replaced them with the dark energy discs, and then he painted them silver, and then fit himself inside a two by two box. He fit perfectly. No one could see him.

The students started pouring in like crappy Mario Maker levels made by 8 year olds on the Nintendo servers.

"Today we are going to learn how to use the buzz saws. Now, I know what you're thinking. You might be thinking 'teacher, I don't want to accidentally cut my thumb off like in that one episode of King of the Hill.' Well, you won't as long as you follow these safety precautions." The teacher lectured them on the safety precautions. "Any questions?" Everyone raised their hands. The teacher just picked who he deemed as most average looking.

"You didn't tell us anything. You just said you were going to tell us safety precautions, and then the narrator jumps in and says you lectured us on the safety precautions without telling anything. He was just taking the lazy way out, with no actual dialogue from you."

"Alright. Just figure it out for yourself. It ain't that hard to force your hands to stay away from the spinning blade of doom that could slice through yourself as if yourself was made of air. Common sense." Some dumb student stuck his hand near the blade, presumably to try to figure out what it would be like to have his finger sliced off.

"I wonder what it would be like to have my middle finger sliced off," he went like. A loud noise that sounded like millions of fan girls at a Justin Bieber concert erupted from beyond the 4th wall. It distracted the too dumb to stay out of the Shadow Realm student enough to produce a lapse in dexterity, leading to him touching the dark energy disk with his bare skin. Instead of slicing his finger off, it sent him to the Shadow Realm. Yugi guffawed. The teacher guffawed as well.

"Any student who is legitimately curious about what it's like to slice their own finger off deserves to be sent to the Shadow Realm." That was said by the teacher. He put a block of wood down. It did not get cut. "What is this black magic? Oh well, I'll just gnaw it in half." The teacher used his foot long buck teeth to bite the block of wood in half. "I'm so glad I had tooth enlargement surgery just in case some student had the chutzpah to replace the buzz saws with dark energy disks that send peoples' minds to the Shadow Realm." Still inconspicuous in his box, Yugi played Five Nights at Freddy's 42 on his Smartphone. He was on night 4. The game's smell mechanic made the entire class barf. The barf flood surrounded the box that Yugi concealed himself in. He didn't even go to this school. He was at Domino City West High school. This was East. It was real easy to confuse the two since they have identical floor plans, and they look almost exactly the same from the outside. Even the bus drivers got confused sometimes. There was enough barf flood to make the box float. The box sped down the hallway while floating in a river of barf. Yugi didn't want to step out because obvious reasons. He sailed out of a window and crashed into the school flagpole.

"Oh shoot, I forgot, I need to go back home and check my e-mail for details about the Battle City 2 finals. No more distractions." Yugi ignored the emergency text he just got from Joey. He went home somehow and got on his computer, which was running Windows 3.1. Sure enough, there was his e-mail about the Battle City 2 finals. He clicked on it and was sorely disappointed. One of the light bulbs in the kitchen had just burned out. Also, about the e-mail.

"South by south by south. That is all." And then a light bulb appeared over Yugi's head. He had an idea about what that might mean. Oh, but the light bulb in the kitchen needed replacing. What to do. He touched the light bulb over his head and flinched instantly. Hot.

"Okay, that wasn't a smart idea." He decided to write the idea down. Watch Secret of NIMH 2 to find out what it meant by "south by south by south" and see if he could decipher any clues from that. IDK how he arrived at that conclusion, but it somehow originated by thinking about raining gerbil eyes.

Yugi searched thru his DVD case. He remembered that he had bought Disney's The New Lion King, which was a CGI remake of The Lion King, but with the plot heavily altered to be less similar to Kimba the White Lion, but keeping some of the same plot elements, like Mufasa dying. Forgetting what movie he was searching for, he decided to watch The New Lion King.

When Mufasa "came back to life" Yugi barfed. It turned out that Mufasa had merely gone to the Shadow Realm. "OH COME ON! My childhood is officially ruined. Those copyright trolls and PC moral guardians have no right to force Disney to change the plot just because of Kimba the White Lion, or replace the d word with Shadow Realm. I'm gonna rant about this on Tumbler." As soon as Yugi got on Tumbler, he had about a billion notifications requesting him to draw Steven Universe fan art.

"Please draw the characters exactly how they should look or else I will join the extremist group ZEUS and super glue your mind to the Shadow Realm. Yugi had absolutely no experience with drawing fan art and had no idea why anyone would request him to play such Russian roulette. So he took a picture of the purple fat Gem with Gyazo and pasted it on a stick figure, and posted that to Tumbler as Steven Universe fan art. He saw an orange hole open up in his living room wall. A young woman of an ambiguous race stepped through. She looked fairly athletic, wore an orange jumpsuit tied around her waist, and wore a white sports bra bearing the Aperture logo on it.

"Don't you dare draw anyone from Steven Universe as a stick figure, especially if they're fat. You're a really bad man if you do that. You're a naughty boy. You a big stupid poopy face," Chell insulted. Yugi somehow knew her name even tho she was never formally introduced. He recognized her from having the game in his Steam library.

"May I borrow that for a moment? I need to go to the gear planet, which I learned about in astronomy class by eavesdropping in a high school class, because I somehow have a hunch that's where Ash went, and I need to get my Egyptian God cards back."

"Watch Secret of NIMH 2, dumbass. It explains the clue you are looking for." Chell had a white bracelet, Yugi noticed for the first time.

"I never thought of my Portal gun as a method of interplanetary travel," Chell blabbed. This day was the first time she talked in over 800 years. The sound of her own voice gave her a jump scare. "I hate the sound of my own voice. I'd much rather smoke a ton of cigarettes until I sound more like Sanchez from the PJ's."

Yugi noticed the scrollbar in the e-mail from Kaiba. He never thought to scroll down before.

"Just kidding. Here is the address. (Insert name of street address that the Battle City 2 finalists have to meet at.) And then Yugi was knocked unconscious by having a wine bottle hit on the head by Chell.

"That's what you get for making stick figure Steven Universe fan art. All about the bass, you know."

Yugi woke up with a rub on the shoulder. It was Tea. "Wanna go to the gym with me to run treadmill races?"

"Sounds fun," Yugi agreed.

"First one to run 10 miles on their treadmill wins."

The main cast was now at the gym plus Team Rocket. Wait, what was Team Rocket doing at the gym?

"I wanna get stronger so that it will be easier to tackle and beat the snot out of the twerps," the trio said in unison.

"Also, Marik, please don't take your shirt off. It will make the fan girls squeal like the crowd at a 5 Seconds of Summer concert."

"Oh my gosh, I just remembered, Duel Mon5ters is playing at the Domino Arena this weekend!" Bakura said excitedly.

"No one cares, square nostril boy," Tea teased.

"Oh my gosh, I just remembered, Duel Mon5ters is playing at the Domino Arena this weekend!" Yugi said excitedly. Tea, Tristan, and Yami Marik squeed. Bakura was last to join in. It wasn't anywhere near as loud as when Yami Marik takes his shirt off.

Bakura and Yami Marik suddenly started making out with each other. Even tho Bakura was heterosexual, just one gay act wouldn't make him gay, right? This wouldn't even be a drop in the bucket of his heterosexuality. He would do it and quickly get it over with and forget about it. Actually he was grey asexual but leaning toward heterosexuality. He had never had a girlfriend.

"I kissed a guy and I liked it, the taste of his cherry chap stick. I kissed a guy just to try it. It felt so wrong, it felt so right. Don't mean I'm in love tonight." Bakura sang in his British accent. "Wait, or does it?"

When they got to the gym (they traveled via Mr. Flippers, the magic walrus) Yugi walked around for about 15 minutes trying to find the locker rooms before finally giving up, ad going against his manly nature by asking the gym staff.

"This might sound stupid but where are the changing rooms?"

"Oh, there are none. We had to get rid of the changing rooms when men would either sneak into or drill small, unnoticeable knotholes into the walls to discreetly watch the ladies change clothes."

"Well then how are we supposed to change?"

"There is a T-Mobile store next door. They have a bathroom that you can ask them if you wanna use, and then just change inside the stall. That is the best way because the next closest bathroom or changing room is about 20 miles away."

"Ugh. Might as well do it." Yugi walked next door to the Sprint store and had to ask for the restroom key, but his Asperger's syndrome made it harder than it needed to be, but he persevered.

"Here you go." The key blinked. Yugi gasped. "Clefkey, Klefki," the key said. It sounded like fat Albert. Yugi used it to open the bathroom. To his unpleasant surprise it was a unisex bathroom. It had 1 stall and 1 urinal. Yugi opened the door to the stall and was greeted with an omnipotent stench. It smelled like a dirty grease trap vomiting on rotting corpses. It was so stinky it could be detected using all 5 senses. What kind of ungodly human waste could produce such an impossible smell? There was so much poop in there, Yugi wasn't sure if there was any water in it at all. He could not change in the stall, even if it meant compromising his privacy. So he changed outside the stall. He and Tea both. Looking at each other while changing clothes was kinda awkward, even if they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

So they walked back to the gym for their treadmill race. "Ready set GO!" They both started at the same time and turned the treadmill speed up to maximum. After about 10 minutes they got bored and decided to see what was on the flat screen TV's at the gym. He pushed Disney XD.

"Oh, an episode of Wander over Yonder. Oh man, I heard about this one. This is the one where Hater and Dominator get married, but Hater doesn't know how to have sex, so he asks Peepers to give him the sex talk, but Peepers doesn't want to, so Wander is more than willing."

After Wander over Yonder was over, they decided to change the channel for some reason to the regular Disney channel. Apparently they decided to renew Hannah Montana for a 5th season. The season premiere was about Hannah Montana performing a concert completely naked to advertise her new album, Hannah Montana and her Dead Petz from When She Was a Child, Like Her Guinea Pig Named Percy and Her Fish Named Dory. It took place several years after the end of season 4, with 25 year old Miley.

"Ew, heck no! I am going to change it now." Discovery Family. He was watching My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. It was the one where Pinkie Pie turned Ponyville into 1984 and wanted everyone to perpetually smile. Since gyms often play pop music stations, and this gym happens to be in this fanfic, you can reliably expect that Let it Go will be ceaselessly played on repeat 24 seven three sixty-five. Strangely enough, no one ever got tired of it. Whenever Frozen 2 comes out, I'm sure they'll switch to whatever memorable song that one will use (the Let it Go equivalent) and play it on repeat for all eternity because the abysmal critical reception it will get will ensure there won't be a 3rd one.

"Ew, Yugi is watching ponies, and he's a boy. Ew!" Joey mocked.

"I'm sorry for backing you up when you wanted to join Kaiba's tournament," Yugi said facetiously.

"You got me there," Joey admitted. Tea was wearing a midriff baring strapless sports bra and skin-tight athletic shorts. She put papier mache all over on her breasts so they wouldn't jiggle up and down, which might attract unwanted attention. Due to their identical set-up, Yugi and Tea reached 20 miles on the treadmills at exactly the same time.

"It's a tie," Tea did the opposite of not declaring.

Next was bench-pressing. Tea put 6 45 lb plates on each side of the bar, lied down on the bench, and picked up the bar with 1 arm holding the center perfectly balanced. She did several reps while bench-pressing that weight with 1 arm. Yugi's jaw dropped down to the center of the Earth and came up through a hole in the ground in China.

"I wonder what the American equivalent of 'ching chong' is. That jaw obviously looks American," one of the Chinese human beings told.

After several regular reps like that, she tossed the barbell a short distance above her hand and caught it with her other hand, and back and forth. A crowd of heterosexual males crowded around the scene. One of them held a camera and was filming.

"This is so going on YouTube," he said in a voice that sounded like a French donkey with a sore throat. He had 3 nostrils.

"Nice, nigga," Yami Marik praised. "I wish I was that strong. I don't think I am, but I wanna make sure." Yami layed down on the bench after Tea put it back on the rack. Yami Marik couldn't even lift the barbell at all. It would not budge. "AWG! I've been out-benched by a girl wearing a strapless sports bra and skin-tight athletic shorts. Nice!"

Misty walked in the gym, still wearing her sling swimsuit.

"Beat this, bitch." She picked up the barbell, still with all the 45 lb plates attached, with 1 hand and spun it on her pinkie finger like a basketball. She put 6 45 lb plates on both sides of every single barbell in the entire gym and began juggling them all at once. The same male audience stared in awe. Their jaws dropped to China.

She then did the same thing while on the treadmill, on the fastest setting. While she was doing this, she was singing that one Maroon 5 song that I thought sounded really loud, energetic, and rocky at the Maroon 5 concert. Also, one of the televisions was playing a commercial about Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves being remade and re-released in CGI.

"Why they gotta ruin my childhood? First the Lion King, and now Snow White?" Yugi punched the floor.

"Don't you remember? Disney is planning to remake and re-release all their 2D animated films in CGI while getting rid of every instance of getting crap past the radar. Also, the CGI is Little Panda Fighter quality. Also, they're doing this with all their direct to video sequels," Joey warned.

"I have to put a stop to this, somehow, some way. Maybe change dot org, even tho online petitions are about as pointless as putting in job applications anywhere."

"Also, rumor has it that Disney XD is also planning to make season 3 of Wander over Yonder in CGI, complete with Johnny Test whip crack sounds," Joey warned furthermore. Yugi's eyes turned blood red, and the top of his head erupted with steam coming out like a geyser. He immediately calmed down and did some bicep curls. He was not nearly as strong as the rest of the party he went to the gym with. Even Tea was stronger than him, and that somehow made him like her even more.

"Why are all the girls ridiculously, unrealistically strong while us males have a much more realistic level of weight lifting strength?" Yugi wondered.

"I think I might have a theory about that," Yami Marik answered. He put a shirt on Tea that had a picture of a turd sandwich on it. The shirt was about 6 sizes too large. Tea had immense trouble bench pressing 75 lbs. "Now look what happens when I strip her naked." Tea was now completely buck-naked. She easily did a hundred reps while balancing the barbell on her pinkie tips, with each side of the bar filled with 45 lb plates. Yami Marik ripped her skin off so that now she was a bare skeleton. She juggled barbells with just her nose-hairs.

"Don't you guys get it? The sexier she appears to be, the more weight she'll be able to lift and juggle all that with. This is why the gym has a Lunk Alarm. Unlike the Lunk Alarm at Planet Fitness, which merely sounds like a piece of a fire truck siren, the Lunk Alarm here will send you to the Shadow Realm." This was a knock-off version of Planet Fitness. It was called Planet Fatness, they realized. That explained the sign upon walking in that mentioned 'donut burger night.'

"Hey tough guy who was just benching 350 pounds. Your girlfriend deserves to get beheaded by ZEUS," James said to a muscular guy wearing a body-building tank top and who was carrying a one gallon jug of water. He also judged people and routinely dropped weights on the floor. In other words, he was a lunk.

The intimidating looking muscular guy in the shirt with sleeves torn off (I changed my mind. I regret making him wear a body building tank top) punched all 3 of them hard enough to make them blast off. They made Team Rocket-shaped holes in the roof.

"Team Rocket's blasting off again!"

"There really needs to be a way to travel from planet to planet without having to make someone make you blast off," Jessie bitched.

"Amen," Meowth agreed.

Right after getting done doing his ab circuit workout, Yugi's phone rang. "Hello?"

"It's me, your grandpa."

"Can whatever you're talking to be about wait? I have only completed 2 out of 3 bench pressing sets, and I need to begin the 3rd set before my heart rate drops (I changed my mind again)."

"You don't understand, I have some really bad news I need to deliver. I have been diagnosed with cancer." Yugi was emotionally shut down. He did not feel like working out anymore. "Please pray for me, okay? Visit me in the hospital sometimes, kay?" Yugi needed to be in shape for the Battle City 2 finals but how could he compete with this weight pressing down on his shoulders? As if reading his mind, he added, "Also, I hope you care more about visiting me than going with your friends to the boy band concert that is Duel Mon5ters."


	23. The Road to Indigo

**Chapter 23: The Road to Indigo**

Ash's first opponent in the Kanto league tournament was a man named Corn. No, just kidding. It was a shirtless muscular red-headed guy who spoke in a French accent.

"My name is Glass Joe," he said in a French accent. "And I will kick your ass. Go, Magikarp." Glass Joe sent out Magikarp. Being the easiest opponent in the Punch Out game, he should be the easiest opponent in the tournament, right?

5 minutes later…

"Ash loses. Glass Joe wins!" The robotic referee beeped. Ash hung his head down in shame and cried. He didn't know what to say, besides "ARCEUS DAMMIT! YOU MADE ME LOOK HELLA WEAK! I HATE YOU!" Then he got an idea. He didn't know why he didn't think of this before, since the Pokemon game protagonists do it all the time. Ash shut off his life, reset, and put himself back to right before facing Glass Joe.

The second time around, Ash beat Glass Joe's Magikarp by smashing a wine bottle over its head instead of using a Pokemon attack. Magikarp fainted. "That's for leaving a 1 star review on the book I wrote that tried its hardest to be the next Harry Potter."

"Booo," the entire crowd booed. "Ash cheated. He should be disqualified," they chanted. The robot referee cleared its throat.

"Magikarp wins. The winner goes to Ash Ketchum from Palette Town. Ash did not cheat because there are no rules that state that a trainer can't get in a physical altercation with a Pokemon. Almost no one ever does anyway because it would be like trying to mug Chuck Norris, so why make an explicit rule for that? It would be like putting up a sign that reads 'warning: do not set yourself on fire.'"

"Go, Darude," Glass Joe sent out a Sandslash that he nicknamed Darude. "Darude, use sandstorm." Instead of the actual sandstorm attack like in the Pokemon games, some music started playing out of nowhere. That music was Darude Sandstorm. Also, there was an actual sandstorm.

"What song is that?" Ask Ashed.

"It's obviously Anaconda by Nicki Minaj," Glass Joe iterated.

"Oh. Okay. If I ever hear that song again, assuming I still recognize it, I will know that it is Anaconda by Nicki Minaj. Thanks." It was the first time he had ever heard a song other than 'Let it Go' from Frozen, and that was quite refreshing.

His entire team other than Sandslash and MagiCrap consisted of poison-types, yet they were all curb-stomped using the poison sting of the Seviper of the Ash, and the poison type attack of the Pokemon of the Ash could affect the Pokemon of the Glass Joe because he's Ash.

"Ash will be advancing to the next round. Next round will have Ash versus Mike Tyson." Another robot whispered into the referee robot's ear. "It has come to my attention that Mike Tyson can't make it because he heard about how this story is supposed to be posted on Fanfiction dot net, so he doesn't want to have anything to do with it if celebrities aren't allowed, so forget I said anything. Due to the extremely picky nature of the Pokemon League, we have no replacement opponent, so Ash will be able to warp immediately to the final round. His opponent will be Red."

Ash was nervouscited about the prospect of facing his father in a Pokemon battle.

"By the way, Ash, nice job on making it a lot more difficult for new trainers to get through the region. Yes. The Saffron city borders are closed because you won't give them a drink, so now how is anyone supposed to achieve the marsh badge?"

"What do you mean?" Ash sang the song by Justin Bieber that had that title.

"Since you just went straight to the Pokemon league without collecting any more than the 2 Viridian city badges, you have not made any of the designated broken bridge NPC's get out of the way, and since you're the only one that can do that, now no one else can ever collect all 8 badges. For example, Saffron city's borders are permanently closed because you won't be a good Samaritan by going to the only vending machine in the entirety of Kanto, which is somewhere in Celadon city, and giving them a drink because they are thirsty, and they won't let anyone thru unless they have a drink. It has absolutely nothing to do with them not wanting to accept Syrian refugees."

Misty and Brock were sitting kinda close by, like usual, in their main concourse seats. If they had gotten seats on the upper concourse, they would not be able to cheer him on, unless they had megaphones. Or were they on a bench within the stadium? I don't remember. "Hey Red," Misty half-whispered. "Can you please let Ash have this one? Time is running out for the person standing in front of the Cerulean Cave entrance, and if he wins then he can go battle the Elite 4, and then the guy will finally move out of the way."

Red began the match. "Go, Snorlax." Red sent out Yo Mama. Ash got out his Pokedex to look it up. "Snorlax, the Amerifat Pokemon. Snorlax is anorexic compared to Yo Mama. Yo mama is so fat, when she played Katamari she rolled up the entire Universe."

"Go, Exodia the Forbidden One." Ash sent out Exodia the Forbidden One. He assumed it was probably a fighting type. Red's eyes grew to little Yugi-size.

"Are you sure that Pokemon exists anywhere?" Red could barely spit it out. "I traveled all 63 Pokemon regions and I have never, ever found one of those. Never in all the 63 Pokemon generations that exist have I found an Exodia the Forbidden One."

After the battle, Ash had so many questions.

"So, Red. I'm kinda afraid to ask this, but do any of the 63 Pokemon regions have a dark gym?"

"No. There are no dark gyms anywhere in the world. In fact, some regions have 8 rock gyms or 8 electric gyms. Also generations 7 thru 63 all have fire and fighting starters. You're better off becoming a Pokemon master ASAP before the regions get too monotonous. Also, according to the script, each region will take 3 to 4 seasons each, and the corresponding games will get increasingly strict when choosing nicknames for your Pokemon due to the Sc**thorpe problem. If you thought Pokemon X and Y were bad with their word filter, you ain't seen nothing yet. Also, the gym leaders get easier and easier due to Nintendo having to dumb down the games for each generation. The gen 63 games are at their worst in both aspects. Not only is nicknaming Pokemon something that isn't blacklisted ridiculously difficult (you just about have to try every single possible combination of symbols and hope you can somehow get a nickname to be confirmed) but all the gym leaders use nothing but a single level 0 Magikarp, the leader of the evil organization is shown to Jesus rather than battled, and the Elite 4 plus Champion all use 1 Pokemon each. You can run away from trainer battles and legendaries are easier to capture than using a Master ball on a level 2 Pidgey, and it's the most radar dodging game in the entire series, even more egregious than 'penis breath' from E.T. and the telescope crotch from the Magical Voyage movie. There's one part where one of the characters uses a particular racial slur describing black people, uncensored, and the game is still rated E. Also, there's a phallic shaped Pokemon with a move called Deez Nuts. That's just barely scratching the surface. There are now so many Pokemon that it is mathematically impossible to catch them all in an average human lifespan. Gen 63 in the anime isn't any better either. Ash is still 10 years old and not a Pokemon master yet, Team Rocket is still the gold fish poop gang. Not only is Ash still 10 years old but he's so stupid he makes Peter Griffin, Beavis, and Butthead all look like Nobel prize winners.

Also, there's the matter of how you stole my life way at the beginning of this story, when you insisted that everyone call you Red. I'm the only Red here, and I have actually filed copyright on my name, and I am even more protective of it than Twisted Sister. Good thing I made Team Rocket commit that moral horizon against you to teach you a lesson." It was at that point when, out of the blue, Ash tackled Red in the same way Ralph tackled Scut Farcus and began beating him up. Red ended up with a nose bleed. Of course, he would have ended up with one anyway just by sitting in the upper rows of the upper concourse. This physical altercation between Ash and his dad was way more interesting than any of the preceding Pokemon battles, so the entire audience cheered, even Misty and Brock. A few people were recording it, probably intending to put it on YouTube.

"Get off, NOW!" Red angrily demanded. "Look, I might have overreacted when I rigged every single Pokemon league tournament battle so that you'd lose and ordered Team Rocket to commit a moral event horizon to get you to change your name but to be fair, you shouldn't have committed identity theft against your own father, the very person who raised you and helped bring you into this world, and helped pay the bills to keep the lights on." Ash stopped punching Red's face.

"I haven't seen you in over 18 years so I thought if I pretend to become you then maybe that would soften the feelings of missing you. I'm so sorry," Ash was sobbing, his anger ebbing away. "Also, I'm jealous of you because you train your Pokemon better than I do, you're actually more than the least bit smart, and you've actually aged past 10 years old."

Out of nowhere, they both heard strange singing that sounded like "Gera Gara Po, Gera Gera Po." It was coming from the upper concourse. Ash and Red apologized to each other and decided to travel up to the upper concourse. "Anyway, thanks for winning. Now you can battle the Elite 4." That just now dawned on Ash.

They used the down escalator like a treadmill, running up it, and they were now on the upper concourse of the Pokemon stadium. The view was like watching porn. There was a male kid that looked drawn way differently from everyone else. He had a cool looking watch on.

"Hey kid, I like your watch. Is it alright if I try it on?" Ash asked.

"Sure, go ahead. By the way, my name's Nate." Ash put on the watch and saw some wild Youkai.

"Oooh, more Pokemon that I've never seen before. I'm gonna capture them. Pokeball, go!" With that, Ash successfully caught (insert name of one of Nate's Youkai).

"Oooh, more Youkai that I've never seen before," Nate said. "I said that when watching the battles.

"Wait, it's not Youkais?" Ash gasped.

"Wait, it's not Pokemons?" Nate gasped.

"Are you ten years old too?" Ash asked.

"Yes." Nate answered.

"Have you been 10 for several years like me?"

"Um, what? I've been 10 for about 5 months so far."

"Lucky you. I've been 10 for over 18 years."

"Unlike you, I don't force my Youkai to go into battle. They're my friends and when I ask them to do some work for me, they oblige, and they don't get paid a cent," Nate proudly proclaimed.

"So you support slavery?" Ash said bitterly. "Well, not like I don't designate certain Pokemon to stay rotting in the PC, so I guess it becomes a Digimon then. But I catch Pokemon specifically to make them fight their friends against their will, often resulting in injuries that they would need treatment for."

"So you support cock fighting?" Ash loudly proclaimed.

"Heh, I guess we're not so different," Nate observed. "Also, you might have guessed that I am a great singer." He sung 'Gera Gera Po" once more. Ash and Red had to go back down to the main concourse because staying up there would initiate a nosebleed.

"Hey, wait up," Nate called. "I want to go with you everywhere you go because that's what friends do. And can I have my watch back?"

"No." Ash took the watch off his wrist and swallowed it down in one gulp. "It's mah food now."

"Well, I admit, it's still healthier than anything at McDonald's, even if it has mercury and asbestos in it," Nate's head hole made a series of shapes for specific frequencies of air molecules to travel out of while triggering the inner ear workings to hear it in the way it was intended.

"Anything is healthier than eating at McDonald's, even eating moldy radioactive sludge," Ash insisted.

"I heard that vegetarians would be perfectly fine with eating at Taco Bell because they don't actually use any actual meat for their tacos and burritos."

"Excuse me, Ash?" Ash turned his head. It was the professor of the region that is the home of the 63rd gen Pokemon. "I am Professor Venus Flytrap, the professor of the starting point in the Griggle region, which is home to all the gen 63 Pokemon. I don't think the Pokemon you used in your various battles that I've observed exist anywhere that I know of. What region did you find them?" Ash wasn't sure how to answer that. He didn't have a problem with telling them that he found them on another planet, and if he had more of these duel monster Pokemon to face, then maybe he could actually have a challenging time facing gym leaders and Pokemon league personnel. The problem would be getting to Earth. Little did he know that there would soon be a way for worlds to collide. Chell from Portal was thinking about her method of space travel.

"I should use a 3D printer to print out a huge number of Portal guns and aim them closely together on a surface of Earth so that the gear planet will pass through Earth and then come out of itself. Wow, we'll actually be able to travel to and fro without having to lazily contrive some way to blast off like Team Rocket always does." If only anyone ever heard her and she wasn't just monologueing in the anechoic chamber, then maybe people wouldn't have to worry about the Pokemon planet and planet Earth colliding.

"They're on planet Earth. Apparently there's this card game tournament going on where they somehow command Pokemon to attack just by laying cards down on some kind of thing that looks like a giant fancy watch. It looks a bit more complex and strategic than regular Pokemon battling."

"Your brother would be into that kind of thing," Red told him.

"I have a brother?" Ash said, confused.

"Yeah. We named him Bizarro Ash because he looks a bit like you, except he actually ages somehow and he's older than you, and he has a Raichu. Also, we named him that at birth. Well, he did, until it got cloned by team Rocket into a super powerful clone called Raichu 2. He also loved playing cards as a kid. He would play the Pokemon trading card game and even invite a friend over to play Solitaire with."

"Whoa," Ash said slowly. Professor Venus Flytrap began again.

"If you show us where these 64th gen Pokemon are, then we can tell Team Rocket they don't have to create cloned substitutes anymore since not only is that immoral but it's also extremely expensive and delicate. 63 generations of Pokemon may get tiring after a while but it's only tiring for those with no life, those who take Pokemon battling to be as much serious business as Duel Monsters back on planet Earth, or spirals in Uzumaki."

"I have a serious concern," Ash interjected. "Dad was telling me about how the anime is only getting worse and worse from X and Y onward, and the Dilly bopper region (I already forgot what I called it and I don't feel like checking but it's the gen 63 region) is so bad it's like watching paint dry for 3 whole seasons." Oh, I remember now. It's the Griggle region. Pretend Ash said 'Griggle' instead of 'Dilly bopper.' "And the games would be really bad too. It might be slightly more tolerable if the word filter wasn't so draconian that nicknaming your player character or your Pokemon is like trying to guess someone's password. I need to make a petition on change dot org about this."

"Celadon city is home of Gamefreak. They're the ones who have a say whether or not to implement the word filter. You'll have to take it up with them."

"Okay, then I must go to Celadon city."

"It's not that simple. Any broken bridges will require you to be railroaded on the same path as the video games. You have to beat some of the gyms in order to go there." Ash got an idea. He didn't want to have to beat the gym leaders all over again. He was able to but it wouldn't be nearly as much fun a second time, especially with the level 600 Yu-Gi-Oh Pokemon.

"In that case, then be right back." Ash hopped on Slifer, who flew him over to Viridian city. He barged into Giovanni's gym. "Giovanni, please make a clone of me, please. Make Ash 2."

"Um, okay," Giovanni agreed without questioning. He scraped off some of Ash's skin flakes and went into his secret lab. He had enough dandruff to be able to cause a snow day whenever he wants.

Ash was getting antsy and bored. 4 hours had passed. After realizing that pacing around randomly would do nothing to cure his boredom, he discovered that he had some gaming apps on his Pokedex. One of them was a clone of the real life Animorphs Gameboy color game, except it actually had Pokemon instead of animals. That means that during the bat mini-game, it's a Zubat mini-game, and instead of a Taxxon, it's, IDK, some random legendary Pokemon? After the Zubat mini-game, he had to fight a Groudon. Getting any of Zubat's attacks to hit was like trying to find a shiny Arceus with a perfect nature and perfect IV's in Pokemon Red or Blue. Or trying to find a fat person in Japan who isn't a sumo wrestler.

"Meet Ash 2, the new and improved Ash," Giovanni sneered. Ash 2 looked like a transmetal version of Ash.

"Cool. Hey Ash 2, can you go fight all the rest of the gym leaders for me so I can goof off during the duration of that time? The Saffron city border patrol is probably dying of thirst, and numerous broken bridges are probably getting very badly sunburned. I imagine they're starting to look like the 2 blonde girls in the tanning bed scene in Final Destination , Snorlax will probably need to go to the bathroom really really bad when he wakes up. Oh my gosh, that reminds me of something. I never asked Brock why he always keeps his eyes closed."


	24. A Cure for all diseases?

**Chapter 24: A Cure for all diseases?**

"Sorry guys, I can't come to the concert with you. I have to visit my grandpa in the hospital. He has cancer. I really hope I don't miss the Battle City 2 finals. I heard that only 1 finalist has yet to turn his bracelet white, so I still have time. I think." Yugi posted over CountenanceBook. It's a social network that's exactly like Facebook. In fact, it is Facebook.

"I understand if you don't wanna come with me. Concerts are more fun than hospitals." Yugi got in his 1989 Toyota Tercell hatchback, which he was still driving even to this day in 2015. It was amazing how long it lasted. He drove himself to the hospital to visit his grandpa.

"Oh grandpa, I don't want to lose you. I pray for you to be alright," he hugged his grandpa tightly.

"The doctors think I might have stood in front of one too many microwaves," grandpa said meekly. "Or maybe ate too many red meats. Oh wait, that's probably just some bullshit the lame stream media made up cuz they have overactive imaginations."

"Yugi? There you are!" An evil sounding voice was coming from within grandpa's body. "I'm glad you finally came."

"I don't want my grandpa to die. I saved him from Pegasus's clutch. Where is this voice coming from?" Yugi was mad and angry at the same time.

"I am your grandpa's cancer and according to the laws of this universe, I can't spread enough to send him to the Shadow Realm unless I beat you in a duel. If I win, then I get to become terminal cancer, defeating the doctors, but if I lose, then I must leave his body, and your grandpa will be fine. Deal?"


	25. Portals

**Chapter 25: Portals**

Chell saw the Planet Fitness gear rushing toward Earth at an undetermined speed. It seemed like the same scale as Saturn was in the thumbnail of that one YouTube video about 'what if Saturn flew past Earth?' Chell snuck into the science building of the University of Domino City, which has a 3D printer somewhere in it. She 3D printed several thousand copies of her portal gun. With not much time left, she snuck into the airport, posing as someone's shoe, so she could get on the plane for free.

While taking off, Chell felt a slight pang of motion sickness. She was not used to such intense motion. She needed to be outside for her plan to work. Chell opened one of the airplane doors. A bunch of snakes got sucked out, and she was holding onto dear life to avoid being blown out of the door.

"Good job getting those monkey fighting snakes off of this Monday to Friday plane," a muscular black man said to her. I will neither confirm nor deny whether or not that actually was Samuel L. Jackson. Chell nodded brusquely. She climbed onto the outside of the plane like the gremlin in the 'Terror at 5 and a half feet' Treehouse of Horror segment. She walked very carefully over from the top of the plane to the wing. She wasn't really scared of heights or of falling because her boots would absorb the impact. She was used to this kind of thing all the time when she was solving puzzles in Aperture. She was still wearing her orange jumpsuit tied around her waist, with her white tank top showing. This is an important detail right here. After walking precariously along the airplane wing, she fired a portal on the ground, then took another portal gun copy out from her boobs and fired another portal that was virtually touching the other portal, and did the same thing with every other one of the thousands of portal guns that she had concealed in her boobs. The airplane landed somewhere in Barcelona, Spain. The Planet Fitness gear was still clearly visible in the sky. Good. Actually it looked bigger than when she started. She once again used her thousands of portal guns to fire a dense line of portals along the Planet Fitness gear, in the opposite color of the ones that she fired on Earth.

She decided to check out some random art stuffs. There was a class of college students who were there for study abroad. There was also a beach nearby. Chell had no idea how to pass the time until the Planet Fitness gear would hit. She was trying to fathom what would then happen if the Planet Fitness gear went through the closely placed portals on Earth when it hit. Since the opposite color line of portals was on the Planet Fitness gear which was heading towards earth to go through the portals going onto the surface of the planet that's about to crash into the line of portals, would the Planet Fitness gear in the sky go through itself? It was so confusing it gave Chell a headache. She was surprised her head didn't asplode. Or did it? And then Chell noticed that she was on fire. After several moments of randomly running around, trying to break into peoples' houses just to put out the fire using someone else's bath tub or something but to no avail, she remembered that beaches have water. She dove into the water to put out the fire. Some students were practicing art in the sand. Chell figured they were probably the art majoring study abroad group. Why did schools ever teach subjects besides duel monsters? That's not gonna be useful to them later in life. The world revolves around Duel Monsters, not useless shit like math, history, science, art, literature, foreign languages, P.E., language arts, etc.

When Chell put out her fire that never ever tarnished her beauty because she's too beautiful for 3rd degree burns to disfigure her, she received a notification on her phone. She had rigged up an alarm that would alert her in case anyone ever drew any Steven Universe fan art that consisted of drawing Rose Quartz, or any Gem, with a body type that differs from canon. Ever since getting out of Aperture, that was her new job. She was a bounty hunter of sorts, going after people who insisted on drawing Steven Universe fan art in a way that differs from canon. She jumped through one of the portals to the Planet Fitness gear, also known as the Pokemon world. Her IP tracing trail led her to Team Rocket's hideout. Team Rocket was known for their tendency to cross moral event horizons but nothing could compare to the act of drawing Steven Universe fan art in a way that differed from canon, not even tricking a trainer into eating his own Pikachu. "Jessie! Prepare for trouble, and make it single. To protect the world from terrible fan art. To unite all peoples within the fandom. To denounce the evils of fatness. To extend our wrath to beyond the internet. Chell Waterflower blasting off at terminal velocity. Surrender now or prepare to fight."

"You ripped off our logo, I mean our motto. YOU BASTARD!" Jessie reacted like vitriol.

"You're the one who drew that faggy ass Steven Universe fan art that differs from canon?"

"Yes," Jessie admitted meekly.

"You know that counts as an act of terrorism? That is worse than anything ZEUS has ever done, and ZEUS has actually been known to run babies over with Hustler mowers, which, as you know from that one viral video, can be used to shred videogames.

Meanwhile, on a giant intimidating looking spaceship in space, a green skinned, sexy teenage babe was watching a Planet Fitness gear seemingly crash into planet Earth, only to reappear out of itself, with no harm done. If you ever watch Wander over Yonder, you'd recognize her as Lord Dominator. "And I wanted to conquer 2 planets for the price of 1. Now how am I gonna do that? Grop dammit!" She spat. Lord Dominator changed into a slingshot swimsuit, the same brand that Misty wears, and took selfies. She put them on Tumbler, and it instantly became a meme. Dominator had the power to make anything on Tumbler into a meme on command.


	26. Gang Wars

**Chapter 26: Gang Wars**

Joey, Tea, Tristan, Bakura, and Yami Marik all checked in to the Domino City arena. After they bought their tickets, they were greeted by robotic greeters, followed by robotic ticket takers. Actually the term "ticket taker" is a misnomer. They were holding scanners, and they would merely scan the ticket barcode. Having robot ticket takers and robot greeters looked kind of unsettling. They liked it better back in the day when humans would actually do those jobs, but it was all worth it to go see their favorite boy band live. It was so crowded that it felt like being stuffed in a clown car. Since indoor multipurpose venues are quite spacious you can't imagine how crowded it was when it had a similar density as clowns piled in a clown car. The crowd wasn't just confined to covering the floor space. It also took up all 3 dimensions. Possibly 4. Also, this venue was larger than either the KFC YUM! Center, the Rupp Arena, or an average high school auditoruim. The upper concourse was so high up that they handed out free telescopes just so that people sitting in the nosebleed sections could still see. Also, the stairs leading up to the next row of seats were ascended at a 90 degree angle, rather than the usual 45 degrees that you might expect from nosebleed section seating. Each row was literally right on top of the previous row. And yes, the ushers were also robots. And yes, the normal main clique was nostalgic about the days when humans would help guide people to their correct seats instead of unnecessarily creepy robots. Speaking of unnecessarily creepy robots, did I mention what the robots looked like? No? Oh my gosh, I am so stupid, how could I forget such a crucial detail? For anyone who's played the Five Nights at Freddy's games, the robot ushers looked like a demonic hybrid that was a fusion of Springtrap, Nightmare Foxy, and Mangle. The robot greeters and ticket takers also looked like that.

The protagonist clique found their seats in the nosebleed section and watched the concert with their telescopes. The members of Duel Mon5ters appeared out of a cloud of smoke on stage. They were all shirtless, and they had fine ripped abs and relatively small waists. All the fan girls squealed excitedly but it wasn't quite as loud as whenever Yami Marik takes his shirt off. They also looked fairly young. If they were grown men, they would no longer be called a boy band, but a man band, or possibly even an old man band.

"Are you ready to wage war on the haters?" The face of the band yelled in his microphone. The crowd cheered "YES!"

"The Steven Universe fan base is even more toxic than bronies and Five Nights at Freddy's fans combined. I heard they actually get paid to go around tracking down people who draw Steven Universe fan art that isn't to their liking and physically harass them just to teach them a lesson. Fans of this band, listen up. We can't let that fan base beat us. We have to battle them for our right to be considered the most toxic fan base on the entire internet. And so, I am here to recruit new members for the evil terrorist group ZEUS. Through song!" They played one of their least well known to the public songs because bands that play live are generally supposed to save their signature songs towards the end. This was one of those songs that you'd probably only know if you're an actual fan.

"He's brainwashing those poor middle school aged girls into joining this cult, just to outdo one of the most toxic fan bases there is," Joey observed. "I'm surprised they're not using a particular religion as an excuse."

"Welp, I'm out," Tea called.

"Me too," Tristan meowed. "I came here for good music that I like to listen to on their CD's, not to become radicalized just for the sake of trying to be more toxic than another fan base."

"Anyone who even thinks about saying something that could possibly be misconstrued, intentional or not, into thinking it's insulting this band, or if they actually meant to insult this band, please terrorize their country." Their auto-tune was so conspicuous it could make a French donkey with a sore throat sing like Carrie Underwood. I bet Ke$ha, Ark music factory, and T-Pain would be jelly. "I'd like to see how the Steven Universe fan base will try to top this. They can't." Wait, that wasn't one of the band members saying that. Yami Marik had somehow snuck on stage, giving those radicalization speeches. Apparently Yami Marik looked so hot with his shirt off that the early teen fan girls reasonably mistook him for the face of the band.

"What are you doing?" The face of the band demanded.

"Trying to make the Duel Mon5ters fan base wage war against the Steven Universe fan base to see who can be the more toxic fan base, thereby winning the internet."

"SECURITY!" The face of the band shouted. A couple of security robots grabbed each of Yami Marik's arms and literally threw him out of the venue. Yami Marik tried to resist but the robot security guards were stronger than any ordinary human.

"Now then, back to the song we were singing." The rest of the evening went incident free but the damage had been done. Yami Marik's hate preaching made the fan base even worse than the Steven Universe fan base. Even the band members admitted.

"I am ashamed to have you guys as our fans. I would quit my tour right here right now and quit making new music as well but then I think of that money and life of luxury. And they say money can't buy happiness."

After the concert was over, the traffic jam getting out was worse than getting out of the Burning Man festival on a one lane street. Tea still had one of their songs stuck in her head.

"I hope Yugi's okay," Tea lamented. "He said something about his grandpa having cancer.

"He'll be fine. That is, if cancer cells can play duel monsters. I've seen countless instances of animals and stuff that play it that you would not normally expect, like bacteria, horses, and even motorcycles. Also, mold and various plants." Joey's eyes grew large enough to overlap each other. A cheeseburger once beat me in Dungeon Dice Monsters," Duke Devlin woefully admitted.

"Shut up, no one cares about you, guy who triggers the instrumental to Sexy Back for no reason. We all hate that song," Tea reprimanded and teased at the same time.

"Oh that's right. There are songs that exist that aren't Let it Go. That's easy to forget sometimes," Tristan remembered.

"Sometimes? Don't you mean all the damn time?" Joey said while doing his creepy chin. His creepy chin caused some random dude who no one cares about to have his eyes explode because it was so scary.

"Should we go to the hospital then to support Yugi?" Tea asked the group.

"No. It's too depressing but otherwise I would," Joey pouted. "I wish the hospital would have a fun like atmosphere instead of the depressing ascetic aesthetic and intimidating technology that makes me feel vulnerable and sometimes physically uncomfortable just looking at or thinking about it."

"Well, there's no way around it, unfortunately."

I forgot how they got to the venue in the first place, so I'm not sure how they should get to the hospital. A blue dog-looking thing was hopping around the downtown area, probably lost. It stopped just in front of the protagonist clique.

"Suicune, Suicune," the legendary gerbil Pokemon barked, in a voice similar to the "where did you learn to fly" head from the Top Gun game.

"It's probably saying its name. It must be a Suicune. I watch the Pokemon anime, so I know that this Pokemon is a Suicune," Tea cheered.

They all got on the Suicune. "Take us to Kosair Muslim Hospital." Suicune nodded and took them there in about 43.321 heartbeats. Yugi's grandpa was in room 3.14.

"Hi Yoog. We came to support you. What the Shadow Realm?" Joey was interrupted by his perpetual amazement that cancer can duel.

"I am going to take over the body of the father of your father and you're not gonna stop me." Grandpa's cancer summoned Mystical Elf. Yugi summoned Exodia's butt. Yugi had about 500 life points. Grandpa's cancer had 2300.

"I can't lose to a disease that's threatening to take my grandpa to the Shadow Realm," Yugi growled. He screamed that and sounded like Anal C**t. You'd have to have ears like a cat to understand what he said just now.

"Exodia's butt, obliterate Mystical Elf!" Exodia's butt ejected a pungent gas attack that stunk up the whole arena. Mystical Elf was obliterated. Cancer lost 400 lifepoints.

"Ha ha, you activated my trap card-"

"Not so fast. Exodia's butt has a hidden ability that I definitely did not make up on the spot just now. It destroys all face down cards on the field if my opponent tries to use a trap card, and they will lose 100 life points for each face down card that was on the field. Say goodbye to 200 life points."

It was the turn of the cancer of the father of the father of Yugi.

"I summon Donald Trump in attack mode!" It was Donald Duck, but he was wearing a wig that looked like Donald Trump's hairdo. It looked physics defying. Even to this day the employees at the Large Hadron Collider could not come up with an explanation other than 'God did it.'

"Oh goodie, more Pokemon!" It was Ash. He had burst through the hospital room door unexpectedly.


	27. Generation 64 or 65

**Chapter 27: Generation 64 or 65**

"What the Shadow Realm do you think you're doing?" Yugi demanded.

"I can't resist catching Pokemon. Gotta catch em all. Pokeball, go!" Ash threw a Pokeball at the battlefield. Tea jumped in front of it, as if this was one of those movies where someone leaps in front of a bullet to keep someone else from getting shot.

"Tristan and Joey, you guys are the strongest ones. Can you guys restrain Ash until they finish this duel?" Tristan and Joey ganged up on Ash. They held his arms so he couldn't move.

"NO! I MUST HAVE!" Tea stripped down into her strapless sports bra and skin tight athletic shorts. Ash's eyes turned into hearts.

"Dang it, I'm blind again because my eyes are hearts!" Ash screamed. Was there any point in restraining him now? Tea had to keep standing in front of Ash so his eyes could keep being hearts. It would be dangerous to even try to move around while blind since he had not developed echolocation yet.

"Yugi, keep battling. I don't think Ash will even want to try to catch Duel Monsters while blind." Tristan and Joey let go of Ash. Ash reached for a Pokeball. Due to his poor aim while blind, he threw it in the hallway. It made a pregnant nurse trip and fall.

"I summon Ben Carson in attack mode!" I will neither confirm nor deny whether or not the monster he summoned was actually Ben Carson or a dragon or elf-like figure that just happened to be named the same. I will also neither confirm nor deny who won in this round, so let's just skip ahead a bit.

"I summon Griggle in neither attack mode nor defense mode." He turned the Griggle card diagonally. "And I summon Yo Mama in both attack and defense mode at the same time." Yugi folded the top part of the Yo Mama card to the right so the card looked like an upside down L.

"I play my polymerization. With these three Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragons, I now summon the Ultimate Blue Eyes Hydra!" Ultimate Blue Eyes Hydra had 6500 attack points and 6000 defense points. Yugi didn't look the least bit fazed somehow.

"Ha ha, joke's on you. That was a joke card I drew back in middle school." The cancer looked more closely at it. It was clearly hand-drawn, and colored with crayons.

"NO! I should be able to use it since it produced a hologram!"

"Let me prove a point to you. I summon my debit card in attack mode!" Yugi put his debit card on the field. It produced a hologram. "I also play first edition base set Charizard, an ordinary index card, and an ace of hearts from a deck of classic playing cards." The fact that there were other card games out there besides Duel Monsters was totally an alien concept for the average person. All 3 of those produced holograms as well.

"Yes, they produce holograms, but that doesn't mean they can actually be 'played.' Pegasus's Duel Monsters card factory has a unique machine that prints a special, invisible barcode on each and every card so that the hologram version of the card can actually be played the way it's supposed to in a normal hologram duel. The barcode is basically what defines each hologram's movements and abilities. Playing card decks, debit and credit cards, and office stationery do not feature this hidden barcode," Yugi explained. He pulled a book out of his backpack. "This is a book that explains all about the technical workings of Kaiba Corp's holographic technology. That's where I learned it from. It's a very fascinating read. Also, I want to urge the writers of Webster's dictionary to get rid of the word 'flaccid' because some idiot posted on my blog about their nipples being flaccid."

"I don't give a rat's behind.

"Oh, is there a heartwarming family reunion in here?" A green-skinned alien looking young lady showed up at the door of the hospital room. "Greetings, I am Lord Dominator, and your puny little planet is being conquered by me! Ha ha!"

"Not unless the majority of the public votes for you when you're running for president," Joey said while using his creepy chin attack.

"No, you guys don't get it. I have a Dominator statue outside somewhere and I need to somehow install some infrastructure, take over your governments."

"Sure, okay," Yugi agreed. "Having an alien for president is still better than some of the idiot pea brains that insist that anything other than Duel Monsters is important. We'd be glad to have you as president of earth."

Ash's eyes became normal. "Oh, another Pokemon!" Ash looked it up on his Pokedex. "Lord Dominator, the sexy teenage girl alien Pokemon. Lord Dominator is number 1 on the intergalactic leaderboard and hates Lord Hater. She is also very good at her job."

"Cool, I'm gonna capture it. Master ball, go!" Ash threw his master ball at Lord Dominator. Lord Dominator stayed in. "I caught a Lord Dominator," Ash held the master ball up to the camera. He noticed that he had 1 more master ball left.

"Dang, it, I need to go get more master balls. Good thing MissingNo is real after all."

Unclear whether or not the duel was still on, Yugi drew his next card. What to do now? Who am I kidding, the duel definitely was still on. Yugi wasn't the least bit clueless.

"I summon Sharknado in defense mode!" Yugi summoned a monster that looked like a tornado throwing around sharks.

"Ha ha! My mystical elf is still chanting her spell. Once she's done, you're finished!" The cancer laughed. Yugi knew he was right. The score was Cancer at 3000 life points and Yugi at 100. Despite this, Yugi still remained calm. What kind of trick did he have in his sleeveless shirt?

"What? My Mystical Elf's spell isn't working?" The elf was chanting in Latin, but the words in the sentences became all jumbled up, accidentally saying them out of order.

"Yes. The wind from my Sharknado is making the words from the chant of your Mystical Elf become all jumbled up so you can't complete your spell. The words accidentally made a spell that made Yugi summon one of his own monsters.

"A ha, perfect! I summon Breaker or Berserker, whichever one is the name of the monster that I used to combine with a particular either magic or trap card to make Weevil lose with a negative number of life points." Yugi summoned that monster, and then played that either magic or trap card. Grandpa's cancer lost with negative 4000 life points. Yugi had drawn until he had no deck left, but that's okay because of the negative 4000 life points thing. And with that, grandpa was now officially cured of his cancer. Doctors couldn't find a single trace of cancer left.

"Way to go, Yugi! Thanks for using the power of the card game to cure his disease. This could be a potential medical breakthrough. Hey nurses, we should collect some of the best duelists and get them to cure your diseases by facing the diseases in a children's card game!" He was blocked by several 10 year old children wearing back-packs. They were all holding Pokeballs.

"Oh boy, there's going to be a Pokemon Dueling tournament in here! I am so psyched!" One of them ejaculated.

"Yeah! Time to collect more stronger Pokemon to curb stomp anyone who is stupid enough to use any native Pokemon!"

There was a Kaiba-Cast inside the hospital, and it came on.

"Excuse me, what about my tournament? I'd rather get on with it so I can finally legitimately defeat Yugi! Now all the good duelists of this tournament seem to have something "better" to do. I don't care if you can use your dueling skills to fight cancer or Ebola, my tournament is more important."

"You know you could be helping too Kaiba, right?" Yugi meowed.

"Why would I ever love anyone besides my brother Mokuba? That's just silly. Caring about anything is gay."

"Um, no one uses gay as an insult anymore," Yugi sharped exterior.

"Alright then. Caring about anything is autistic," Kaiba asserted.

"That too. No one uses autistic as an insult anymore."

"Alright then. Caring about anything is 4kids."

"There you go," Yugi nodded. "Leo Burnett and 4kids are the devil."

"Someone agrees with me," James said, suddenly appearing. "Oh, more Pokemon can be ours for the taking!"

"You Pokemon people are not gonna ruin our medical cures, or the tournament finals! GET OUT!" Kaiba boomed. "Oh wait, I'm fine with ruining the medical cures but NOT MY TOURNAMENT! Also, I care about money and Blue Eyes White Dragon. BUT THAT'S IT!"

"Kaiba only cares about 3 things in this world. Half Life 3 confirmed!" Yugi deduced.


	28. East BumbleGently Caress

**Chapter 28: East BumbleGently Caress**

An old man wearing a cloak was in a secluded area in East Bumblefuck. Actually he was so old that he was literally a skeleton. His scythe was in a trash can. "I need to get another job or else I'm gonna get kicked out cuz I can't pay rent."

He was wearing a name tag that read 'Grim Reaper.' "Oh, but if I go out and do my job, then that might mean facing the wrath of ZEUS, the worst fan base on the entire internet, even worse than Steven Universe. People underestimate them, thinking them to be a bunch of idiot fans of boy bands but I know better than that. If they're scary enough to make me, the grim reaper, fear them, then they are in fact terrorists."

There was a knock at the door. Death opened it. It was a small, orange, furry creature that kinda looked like a spoon. He was wearing a green hat with a star on it, and he was accompanied by a blue dinosaur steed.

"Why are you guys here?" Death asked.

"Because I feel sorry for you and I want to be your friend."

"That's the first time anyone ever said that to me since Hayley's comet collided with the moon." Death felt kinda warm. By warm, I mean the slightest bit above zero Kelvin.

"Can I help you with anything?" Wander mooed.

"I kill people for a living but the rise of the Duel Mon5ters fandom turning into the terrorist group ZEUS has convinced me to run away into East Bumblefuck to live as a recluse. How did you guys even find me?"

"Because we're running from Lord Dominator because I don't think slingshot swimsuits look very attractive on her, or anyone else in general. So I just happened to run into East Bumblefuck to see if anyone needed helping, and there you were." Wander knew it was called East Bumblefuck because when they were above the earth, it had the place name labeled on it in huge letters, like a globe.

"Oh joy! Here, please have my robe. You will now be death. You have to go in my place, kill people who are on death's list. Here's a list to get you started." Death gave Wander his robe, his scythe, and his list. "Now, go, go do my job so I can live as a recluse for all eternity, or at least until ZEUS is dealt with." Wander was now

Title Card: The Grim Reaper

"Never hurts to help," Wander said. "Give me a celebratory hug, Sylvia." Sylvia obeyed, and then she promptly dieded. "Oh no, I killed her! AUGH, I HATE THIS JOB!"

"Did I mention it pays $150 an hour?" Death mentioned.

"Oh, sweet!" Wander's eyes turned into dollar signs. He could not see anymore. "Oh no! I'm blind now!" Wander just got an extreme idea.

He went to the White House since Dominator was now president of the United States, and by extension, the popo of the world.

"Hey Dominator, fall in love with Lord Hater right now or I will kill you!" To prove his point, he touched the poodle lady from Oliver and Company, the one who sang the musical number about how narcissistic she is. She died.

"Well, I don't want to die, and you obviously have that capability to kill me. Okay, I'll fall in love with Lord Hater."

"Excellent." Wander then thought, _as soon as they reunite and get married, then I don't know now what. No point in being death anymore. Oh wait, there is. I hate the Shadow Realm being a death substitute and so does everyone else, and that always has to happen when death isn't doing his job. Also, I would be helping everyone who hates the constant shadow realm shoehorning because people will actually be dying._


	29. The Final Round

**Chapter 29: The Final Round**

Meanwhile, Yugi, Yami Marik, and Joey received word that all 8 finalists have been confirmed. So now, they have to go to the secret location of the final round of the tournament, wherever that is (I haven't thought of it yet.) Slow down, finalists! Don't go too far before I thought of where you need to go.

"We're here." Yugi, Joey, and Yami Marik got to the secret location of the finals of the tournament. It was inside a truck stop bathroom all the way in West Bumblefuck. The bathroom looked really really dirty. The toilet looked about one percent water and 99% piss and poop and toilet paper. And some of the pages of SOPA. There was also a bunch of graffiti on the walls. It reminded them of the inside of Six Flags New Orleans after hurricane, um, what's her name? Oh yeah, Katrina.

"First up, I guess it's me and Joey!" Kaiba ejaculated. I'm too lazy to come up with a method of deciding who faces off against who. Maybe something like the lottery from the anime? "No matter how many times I beat you, I will never be completely satisfied. If I could beat you infinity times, I would. Today will be especially satisfying because you weren't even supposed to be in this tournament in the first place. Don't forget, the finals are televised as well, so when I beat you, the whole world is gonna watch you lose!" Oh, I almost forgot, the other 5 finalists were Chell, Duke Devlin, Gordon Freeman, Rebecca Black (I will neither confirm nor deny whether it's the singer of Friday or Rebecca Hawkins somehow changing her last name to Black and it being merely coincidental. Just use your imagination), and Red from the Pokemon games. Wait, RED? What the eff? There was only room for 2 duelists at a time in the bathroom, and no room for spectators, unless they had the door open, which they will. It was a transgender bathroom.

Joey and Kaiba went into the bathroom to duel. And then they started kissing.

"I love you Joey," Kaiba said romantically.

"I love you too, Kaiba," Joey said equally as romantically. Nah, just kidding! What, you really thought I would make them do that? Gosh, you're so stupid! They would never do that!

"Let's do this!" Joey said fiercely. He was anxious but he had to not let that show. He had never beaten Kaiba before. Could this be the one?

"I play Rude Kaiser in attack mode!" Kaiba called. "And I lay this face down."

"I play Red Eyes Black Dragon in attack mode!" Joey called. "And I also play this card face down."

5 turns later…

"I summon my third Blue Eyes White Dragon. And with that, I will end my turn." Joey had seen this strategy before. _If he summons Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon, I'm finished._ There were security guards standing outside the bathroom door in case any Pokemon trainers would want to capture the duel monsters to use as Pokemon.

Joey drew a card. _Jackpot!_

"I play Imakuni's Dragon Capture Jar!" Joey snickered. A live action Asian man wearing a Mickey Mouse costume came up on the field. He was holding a coffee mug with a lid. "What this card does is, if my opponent has any Blue Eyes White Dragons in their deck whether they're in your deck, your hand, or on the field etcetera, they have to rip them up. Since you have three Blue Eyes White Dragons on the field, you have to tear them up." Kaiba cried a river. It was like the feeling of Mokuba dying. As Kaiba ripped up his favorite cards, the holograms of the Blue Eyes White Dragons played realistic sounding bone crunching. They were literally being broken apart, with realistic looking skin stretching and breaking, bones sticking out, and blood oozing out. They were screaming like they were on fire. Those details made Kaiba cry more intenser. This scene would make squeamish viewers cringe. Throughout the entire match, Joey was in the lead.

"Oh, and if you have any on the field, you lose a bunch of life points for each one." Kaiba lost a number of life points equal to whatever is a bunch multiplied by three. Kaiba was now down to 0.667 life points. It was also the first time in Duel Monsters history where a player had their remaining life points as a decimal.

"Since I didn't actually attack, I can still use Flame Swordsman to wipe out your remaining .667 life points! And now, you lose, Kaiba!" Joey wiped out the last of Kaiba's life points. "You get nothing. You lose. Good day sir." Joey said that exactly like Willy Wonka.

"Himmel herrgott kreuz millionen donnerwetter" Kaiba screamed. He put up both middle fingers. He put so much passion into flipping the bird that his middle fingers rocketed off his hands and up into outer space, probably. "This tournament is OVER!" Kaiba raged.

"Sheesh, no need to act like a sore loser. Oh man, I can't believe I actually beat Kaiba!" Joey bragged. "You're now the whiny little dog now!"

"I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! I SAID THIS TOURNAMENT IS OVER!" Kaiba forcefully snapped everyone's bracelets off and flushed them down the toilet. "The only reason I even hosted this tournament in the first place was to make up for the failure of the original Battle City tournament. I didn't come here to get beaten in 6 turns by a dim-witted mutt who should have been barred. If I was to be beaten, I wanted it to be by YUGI! So in short, screw the rest of the tournament. Go home." He seemed to have forgotten that his man-childish tantrum was also being broadcast on their version of ESPN.

On the way back, since this was still West Bumblefuck, Yugi and company came to a suspicious looking small white metal shack. It had a sign on it that read 'KEEP OUT.'

"Eh, I know better than to go through a door that tells me to keep out. Let's keep going," Yugi suggested. They all did as well.

"Hey, males. You're all being drafted. There will be a war going on. Two fiercely intense factions are trying hard to outdo each other. They say they're fans of Steven Universe and the boy band Duel Mon5ters respectively. They want to outdo each other in terms of how much of a toxic fan base they can be. They're even more toxic than bad bronies, bad gamers, and certain Sonic fans combined. Also, call me Drill Sergeant McNasty." He dressed Yugi, Joey, Yami Marik, and Kaiba in battle helmets and camouflage army uniforms and gave them some guns. IDK what kind they were, probably some kind of sniper rifle.

"I dunno about you guys but I'm feeling MLG, Yami Marik squawked. They were walking at the edge of a rain cloud. They were close enough that they could have walked a foot and into rain, then the same foot the other way and stay dry. So, was it half rainy or half dry?

"Marik, are you still talking? I seriously don't know if that's you still talking or if it should be the narrator," Joey uttered in confusion.

"I dunno either," Yami Marik sang.

"Seriously, what's the point of giving us weaponry if playing children's card games works just fine?"

"Because death is now a thing. The grim reaper is back in one form or another." Yugi and Joey's eyes popped out and they looked like white face snakes. "Also, he's more dangerous than ever because he's cute. When you get close to him his cuteness will cause your intelligence and sanity to drop off proportionally."

Yugi drew a piece of Steven Universe fan art that showed Steven with Bieber hair and six pack abs. He also drew Rose Quartz as a My Little Pony OC. Yugi just got a more evil idea. He made a flash animation of Steven being in love with Rose Quartz, who was redrawn to look like a male pony, making them both gay and then uploaded it to YouTube. The video got a massive amount of dislikes.

"There he is. That bastard that posted that Steven Universe flash animation. That's even worse than depicting Mohammed to a Muslim." Yugi used Windows 3.1 like everyone else, yet he was somehow able to run Call of Duty on it. Just sayin. Windows 3.1 is love, Windows 3.1 is life. Yugi fired his sniper rifle. The ditzy fans were lining up to get obliterated by the bullets, which were actually bullets and not dark energy pellets. Wander came over to harvest their souls.

"Oh my GOSH, SO CUTE! So FWUFFY WUVVY! I WUV YOU SO MUCH YOU CUTESY WUTESY! AAAWWW, YOU'RE SO CUTE!" Yugi was squeeze hugging Wander like someone who had never seen a cat before. He wanted to kill as many people as possible, as often as possible, so that he could be around Wander's cuteness. His intelligence and sanity were worth being sacrificed. "Hey Joey, Marik, and Kaiba, I wanna kill you all!" Yugi's eyes turned red and demonic like the girl slitting her wrists on the Evil Stick creepypasta. Wait, does it still count as a creepypasta if that really happened? Cuz it reminds me of one. Actually I would say it isn't a creepypasta because this is actually creepy, and creepypastas are almost never actually creepy. 99% of the time they're narmy stealth parodies of creepy story clichés.

"Actually I have to go to the bathroom. Be right back." Yugi went to the shack I mentioned earlier. It had a glass tube with an Aperture logo on it. He unzipped his pants and peed down the shaft. "I feel less insane and smarter all of a sudden. But I'm already suffering withdrawal symptoms." Yugi knew he didn't want to kill anyone; it was against his heart, but the spell of Wander's cuteness made him do it. _Maybe if I either permanently disfigure him or inject him with steroids then I might not feel like killing anymore. Or both._ There was coal in his urine.

Yugi decided to kill more Steven Universe and Duel Mon5ters fans to summon Wandeath. Oh, I almost forgot, the Steven Universe terrorist group are calling themselves HADES. I wish I'd mentioned that earlier but I was high. Ash offered me some of his drugs.

"Every toxic fanbase that wants to compete turns into a terrorist group and assigns themselves the name of a Greek god. They couldn't go with Egyptian gods because one of them is Isis, which is already taken in real life," Yami Tea preached. Yugi's jaw dropped to Australia. Yami Tea looked a bit like Tea, except she had more Tsurime eyes and longer hair. Her skin was also a little darker, and she was wearing nothing but a slingshot swimsuit, just like Misty and Lord Dominator. You know the feeling when your girlfriend has been keeping a secret from you for a long time and then you find out? This was that for Yugi. She also sounded like Idina Menzel.

"You have a Millennium Item?" Yugi oinked.

"Yes. The Millennium Theremin." Yami Tea revealed what looked like a theremin made of gold. "There are actually 8 Millennium items. The Millennium Theremin allows the user to listen to any song any number of times without getting the least bit sick of it. Unlike the other Millennium items, this one does not seek a particular owner, and for any owner that owns it, the item will house an ancient spirit that looks exactly like them, except drawn with more straight lines and a more confident and sometimes evil personality.

"I wish everyone in the world could have one, cuz then we wouldn't have to be driven to borderline insanity by Let it Go from Frozen being played on every pop station ceaselessly on repeat since late 2013," Yugi ranted.

He shot a ZEUS terrorist and a HADES terrorist to summon Wander, and then he threw some acid in Wander's face, and then injected him with steroids. Right before that, he had just gotten back from a laboratory that had both of those things in North Bumblefuck. Okay, back to the present.

Wander became all big, grotesque, and muscular, and testosterone poisoned. He looked kinda like an overly muscular Two-face. The acid burned his face pretty bad. Yugi felt bad about burning his face but it must be done, to force himself back into self-control. At least now he would not want to summon him just to suffer cuteness overload.

"What do you guys want?"

"We want to teach all people a lesson that they can't just blaspheme against our respective fandoms. That's right. We worship Steven Universe and Duel Mon5ters respectively. As far as we know, they created the Universe."

"No, the Universe was created by a children's card game," Yugi asserted.

"Nuh uh! Prove it."

"I will," Yugi claimed, even tho he had no idea how to go about that. "I promise you I will prove it." He was not as confident as he sounded. Then again, that attitude got him through every single duel he ever won.

Suddenly he felt in the mood to watch extremely crappy movies, so he went back home and scanned his movie shelf. A Crappy Goofy movie, Sleeping Beauty 2, ah, there we go. Disney's CGI remake of Hercules. When he bought it, it came bundled with Hercules 2, a direct to Bluray sequel. It was bad enough to get a negative percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and when Nostalgia Critic reviewed it, he vomited. Some fans speculated that it gave him Ebola.

Yugi put the VHS disc into the movie player and turned it on. It was the same as the original Disney's Hercules, except it was entirely CGI, and Zeus was renamed to 'thunder and lightning dude'in light of the terrorist faction named ZEUS. Hades was renamed to 'flame hairdo dude' for the same reason. Archaeologists also had to travel to Greece and modify any and all religious texts to change Zeus to thunder and lightning dude, and Hades to 'flame hairdo dude.' This is so that any schools teaching Greek mythology would have to use those names since the religious text says so.

"This is awful!" Yugi said after enduring it. "More whipcracks than an episode of Johnny Test, and this is CGI."


	30. Wha?

**Chapter 30: Wha?**

Ash was watching A Troll in Central Park 2. Even tho there was absolutely no conflict, no plot, and no character development, he really enjoyed it. It reminded him of himself very much.

Ash 2 came in unexpectedly. "I beat the Elite 4 and all the other gym leaders in record time. The guy in front of Cerulean Cave is gone now."

"Yay, now I can go catch Mewtwo, but first I need to go stock up on ultra balls."

Ash flew to Viridian City on a Pokemon and talked to Old Man. His name temporarily changed to Old Man. The Old Man had dark yellow shin, glasses, and was short. He looked like a mole. His name was actually Hans Moleman but Ash misheard his name as Old Man.

Then Ash flew to Cinnabar Island and surfed up and down the coast. He kept going until he found a strange Pokemon that looked like 2 glitchy rectangles next to each other, one taller than the other. They looked kinda like buildings.

"Missingno, missingno," the Pokemon chanted. It sounded like James Woods. Ash looked it up.

"MissingNo, the glitch Pokemon. Missingno will mess up your hall of fame and give you 99 of the sixth item on your list." Good thing Ash remembered to put the Master ball as item number six this time. If you catch it, it could cause weird things to happen, like maybe cause Weirdmageddon." Ash looked into his bag again. 99 Pokeballs, one for each red balloon. Aw man, now that kinda made me kinda wanna listen to 99 red balloons.

He flew all the way to Cerulean City. Sure enough, the man was gone. In his place was a mountain of skin flakes and sweat, probably from his severe sunburn making his skin peel, and from dehydration.

Ash uneasily snaked his way through a maze of rocks that probably would count as fat person discrimination. He then desisted. "Aw crap! I just realized, I meant to walk to the mini mart and buy some milk! I never meant to be a Pokemon trainer! This entire journey and everything I did on it, including battling, was all done by accident. I accidentally did those things without realizing it when all I meant to do was go to the mini mart to buy some milk! How stupid am I or what?" He flew to Cinnabar island and released all his Pokemon. Next, he threw away all his items and then wasted all his money on Pokeballs just to throw them away. Now that he had no money and no Pokemon, he was trapped on Cinnabar Island. He needed to punish himself for accidentally going on a Pokemon journey and accidentally training his Pokemon and accidentally winning gym battles. _What good am I if I can't do something as simple as going to the mini mart to go buy milk when we need it?_

Some random trainer looked in one of the trash cans. "What kind of idiot would throw away 99 master balls?" It didn't take long for Ash to become bored, which was like his first 10 minutes of being trapped on Cinnabar Island. He got on the Pokemon Center PC and started surfing the Deep Web to buy more drugs.

You might think that after a certain point that having literally nothing to do besides smoke weed every day it would get boring, right? Well, it did. Since Ash had no Pokemon left, he could not encounter any more Pokemon, therefore, no more MissingNo. He also could not rebattle Blaine because of having no Pokemon, and because this is gen 1, where the post game is incredibly boring because you can't rebattle trainers you've already beaten other than the Elite 4.

"Ugh, this sucks. Getting high is getting too monotonous." He decided to go to Blaine's gym and when he got to Blaine, he rolled up his sleeves to reveal arms that were not the slightest bit muscular looking. He didn't look very threatening.

"Hey Blaine, you suck." Without saying a word, Blaine forced Ash into the back of a mysterious black van and took him somewhere. When the van stopped, he took Ash out.

"Welcome to the region with gen 63 Pokemon. This is the Griggle region and this town is Gaga town, with Professor Venus Flytrap giving you your first Pokemon." Ash felt insane. This was the region with the awful crappy X and Y knock-offs and more filler than Moment of Truth. It was the Shadow Realm.


	31. Serenity's Saga

**Chapter 31: Serenity's Saga**

Meanwhile Serenity went in for a voice changing surgery. She did not like sounding like Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. All they'd have to do was change the thickness and length of her vocal cords. The problem was, her vocal cords were tangled like earbuds. Maybe that was it? The doctors spent several hours trying to wrap their minds around how to untangle them. It was officially a puzzle. The surgeon got an idea. He cut off Serenity's head and neck, put them in a 3D printer that can 3D print entire cell structures, and decided that it would be a fun Christmas toy: a puzzle where you have to try to figure out how to untangle vocal cords. He then stitched her head back on and it was like nothing ever happened. Or was it because Wander the grim reaper didn't want to show himself.

"Hi. I'm here to visit my dad," a kid said to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry, you can't be here. You look about 10, and we don't allow 10 year olds in here anymore because they might try to catch duel monsters."

"Augh! Be right back." The ten year old kid searched desperately for a way to injure himself badly enough to need to go to the hospital. Since duelists were hired to fight off major infections using card games, he needed to find a way to catch some of those.

He finally found what he wanted after a session of the opposite of slow mental gymnastics. He poured gasoline on himself and set himself alight, then just before the point where his nerves would be burned off, he jumped into one of the swimming pools at the waterpark to put the flames out. "Oh no, a man on fire! I bet he really needs to jump into one of the swimming pools. Go right ahead, screw admission," the customer service guy said.

To the hospital he went when a good Samaritan called nine one one. He suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns and was transported to the burn unit. They tried to hose him off but the hose had one too many kinks, so the doctors kept spitting on him until he could be cooled down adequately enough. Now that the burned kid was in the hospital, he escaped from the ER and went on a Pokemon, er, duel monster catching spree. It was difficult to walk because his legs were so burned. Apparently being a Pokemon master was more important than his physical health. Serenity had gotten an infection in the midst of her 2 operations. One operation to untangle her vocal cords, and the other to successfully reattach her head. The kind, whose name was Jimmy, I think, observed but kept hidden. He watched as a young blonde lady entered the operating room. He somehow knew her name was Mai Valentine even tho he'd never seen or heard of her before. Serenity's infection also got ready to duel. Mai sent out Toy Chica in attack mode. She looked really sexy. Serenity's infection didn't want to defeat it because if it did, then there would be no more sexy. But it still wanted to win. Choices, choices. Jimmy inadvertently made things easier for Serenity's infection but harder for Mai by throwing a Master ball painted like a Pokeball at the Toy Chica of Mai, and it was caught. The hologram was replaced with a Windows XP error message.

"You asshole!" Mai yowled. Curse words were flying past her jowls at record speeds. "That was my ticket for winning this duel! SECURITY!" When a security guard came because, you know, he was summoned, and people come when they are summoned (ideally) and Mai summoned her when she called security to deal with whoever caught her toy Chica, since she needed that to win the match because winning would make Serenity's infection go away, thus the operation would be a complete success, which means that her medical bill would be substantially lower than if she had to go to the doctor a second time after her vocal cord operation, which would really suck because people hate going to the doctor. Oh wait, I forgot to talk about what the security guard did after he came. Dang it! So the security guard found Jimmy but he did no further action. He didn't want to escort him out because that would involve touching him, and touching and dragging him would not be a good idea since his skin was so badly burned. 3rd degree burns are extremely disfiguring. It looked like a really bad sunburn, but a heck of a lot deeper.

Meanwhile more and more ten year old Pokemon trainers were pouring gasoline on themselves and setting themselves on fire so they can also infiltrate the hospitals so they can catch duel monsters of the duelists who are fighting infections. Also, some fox-hearted teenager was filming one of the ten year old kids being on fire. The person on fire looked like he was doing the potty dance. The fox-hearted teenager uploaded the video onto his computer, turned it into a Harlem Shake video, and put it on YouTube.

The zerg rush of severely burned Pokemon trainers teamed up to capture any and all duel monsters that would be summoned at hospital. Unfortunately this meant the death of some patients because the caught duel monsters would be unable to battle, thus turning the tide of any duels where the human duelists were on the edge of victory.

"We have to ban all 10 year old Pokemon trainers from coming here, even if they have something wrong with them!"

"But I can't just let those kids die as a result of their burn injuries."

"That's why we need to scare death away once more," the security guard said thru gritted teeth. "People who go to the Shadow Realm never experience any physical harm, no matter what it looks like. Even if they get turned into salsa via wood chipper."

The nurses had all the perfect opportunities to summon death but nada. One brave nurse did. The muscular disfigured Wander came up. He looked depressed because he looked so ugly. The nurse felt so sorry for him, so she gave him a full face transplant, and by that, I mean she cut the face off of some random person who happened to be one of her ex boyfriends who cheated on her in elementary school using a pair of scissors, and duct taped it over Wander's face. Wander now looked a lot cuter. How to scare an overly muscular person who could probably kick your ass in no time flat, especially if you happen to be a girl? The nurse was out of ideas. Wander punched her teeth out in one single blow. It hurt as much as getting shot.

Meanwhile Lord Hater was at a bar. "Give me a beer and a mop," he requested. Okay, what was the point of that? Oh yeah, word count. He guzzled down the beer and mopped it up cuz skeletons don't have stomachs.

The muscular wander had a concerned look on his new face. He did not feel like demonstrating his newfound strength anymore. He started to sing.

"When I was a young boy, my father took me to the city to see a marching band.  
He said, "Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned? He said 'Will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non-believers,  
the plans that they have made? Because one day I'll leave you, a phantom to lead you in the summer, to join The Black Parade. Screw the Pegasus Parade, I'd rather see the Black Parade, a parade of burned Pokemon trainers whose skin is charred to look like charcoal, and it would look like a long black line when viewed from space This line would be the basis of which I would draw a Cartesian coordinate system on a spiral that I would rotate my head on its axis so I would get dizzy and hypnotize myself." The nurse circled her finger around her head to indicate craziness. "After I get hypnotized, I will think I'm Taylor Swift being transported to the world of Uzumaki and sing about my long lost Starbucks lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane, but I've got a blank space baby, and I will write your name, which the antagonist in Destiny's Child will say because they have a song called 'Say My Name' which Rihanna doesn't know cuz she forgot her own name according to her song 'What's my Name?'"

"Why are you talking in language that makes Finnegan's Wake seem simple? Are you high?"

"Yes. High on love. I love to help, and right now I'm helping the author of this story reach 50,000 words," Wander proclaimed.

"It seems you are trying to help someone by artificially increasing their word count by talking in stream of consciousness style that would make Raocow jelly. Would you like some help with that?" An unknown voice was heard. "I love to help people too," a paper clip with googly eyes said. "My name is Clippy, and I am the official mascot of Microsoft Word. I like to help people."

"You do? Awesome. Can we be a team?"

"Not unless you lose like 99% of your muscle mass. Right now you look muscular enough to be an Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mario Lopez, and Chuck Norris hybrid. Wander's robe split apart because I just now remembered that with Wander's bulkiness, it should not have been able to fit over him.

"Oh dear. Well, my sister is good at sewing. Maybe she can help sew it back together," the nurse offered.

"Aw man, Until my muscles shrink, I'm going to have to give up being death for the time being." The nurse smiled. Her skin tore apart. The nurse was actually Sylvia in disguise.

"Sylvia. I didn't kill you?"

"No. That was just a Yoshi painted blue to resemble me. Apparently Mario doesn't care the least bit about his noble steed. I mean, have you ever looked at the various videos of Mario ROM hacks and Super Mario Maker on YouTube? Yoshi dies more times than Waspinator, Hans Moleman, Kenny, and Heavystep combined. And now, shoo. Shoo."

Wander was gone. Since there was once again no grim reaper now, the Shadow Realm is a thing again.

"It's a very simple solution. Don't make a cute person into the grim reaper. I'm not cute. Therefore, I get to be grim reaper,"

"Ah ah ah, not so fast." It was Arceus. "Someone somewhere thinks you're cute, and then they'll want to kill people just to summon you just so they'll be affected by cuteness proximity. Face it. Everyone in the world is cute to at least someone," Arceus preached. "So it's better to have no grim reaper at all."

"But wouldn't that disturb the natural order of things? People need to be able to die. Terrible people like Hitler are better off dead since if they were still alive they would rule the world."

"No. Hitler is in the Shadow Realm. It's always been this way, and it always will be this way. The job of being death wasn't just something natural. It was man-made. I forget how it originated but I think it had something to do with not being able to pay rent, and it was Halloween or something. I dunno. All I know is that East Bumblefuck is an extremely boring place to live. Meanwhile, I gotta literally whip Santa into shape, by using my Venusaur's vine whip."


	32. Serenity's Saga Hopefully

**Chapter 32: Serenity's Saga Hopefully**

I did not expect the previous chapter to focus so little on Serenity, so here goes. A hot new toy was advertised. She made a sound just to take her new voice for a test drive.

"Hello World." She sounded like her United States dub. Success! She saw the new toy advertisement, and was instantly puzzled.

"Break your brain with the all new Serenity Vocal Cord Entanglement Puzzle. It is the hardest puzzle since the Rubik's Cube." Serenity immediately knew she wanted one of those for Christmas. Those looked fun, and she thought she herself looked cute.

She began writing her Christmas list. It was hard because schools never taught handwriting of any kind anymore. It's one of those things you're just supposed to know. Like etiquette, or social skills. When she was done, her Christmas list was 50,000 items. She then face-palmed. If she had typed all that, she would have been able to win NanoWrimo with that. Her #1 item was one of those vocal cord tangle puzzles that was in her likeness. Maybe she should do that for NanoWrimo. It was November 30th. This would be her last chance. She opened up Microsoft Word 1776 version and copied her hand-written list into the application, since, you know, it's impossible to copy and paste from actual loose leaf paper, at least with current technology. And she was done. 50,000 words in a single day. She won Nanowrimo, and her Christmas list was now in a format that isn't prehistoric. Handwriting is so 6000 B.C.

Out of the 50,000 things she wanted for Christmas, the one thing that could not be bought at a store as Brock, who she loved very much. She only fell in love with him a few minutes ago, when she found a pic of him shirtless on FaceTube Plus.

"I love Brock more than my brother Joey. I wish Brock was my brother instead. Oh wait, no I don't because then I wouldn't be able to fall in love with him because it would be incest. Tristan needs to go fall in love with Marik for all I care. I hope he has."

She went to Brock's house and took a deep breath. She knocked.

"Hello Brock. I think I'm in love with you," Serenity confessed.

"Well that's too bad because I just married Lord Dominator even tho I just met here like yesterday. We already know everything about each other somehow." Serenity narrowed her eyes.

"What's Lord Dominator's birthday?"

"I don't know how to answer that."

"A ha! You don't know everything about each other, therefore, you're moving way too fast."

"No, I mean she said she was born on a spaceship. Since spaceships do not spin on their axis or orbit stars on their own, they cannot have days, so any concept of a birthday is thrown out the window."

A flying saucer with police lights and a police siren landed on Earth.

"Misty, Yami Tea, and Lord Dominator, you are all under arrest. It is illegal everywhere in the universe to wear sling swimsuits," the grey alien wearing a police uniform creaked. "They are outlawed because people with dad bods need to have every right to not feel gym-timidated. That's also why body building tank tops and gallon jugs are outlawed.

Yami Tea, Misty, and Lord Dominator came aboard the ship without much thought like the animals were on Noah's Ark were probably under God's direction. Or Arceus or Children's card game depending on your religion.

"You are all going to be taken to space jail."

"If you're going to take them, take me too because I like girls," Brock ranted, then he traveled to Walmart to buy a sling swimsuit. _I don't care if I look fan disservice in it, you can't please everybody, so don't even try._ He tried it on and it fit perfectly. The color of the swimsuit was a color that no animal on earth can see but he can somehow see it.

"I'm coming my precious," Brock ran toward the flying saucer that was no longer there because it lifted in the air like a cat's elevator butt. Cat's elevator butt!

Brock snuck into a pet store to steal a cat, and then he petted it at the base of its tail to make it go elevator butt. He petted it enough to go elevator butt high enough to break free of Earth's atmosphere. He followed the spaceship that way to space jail.

"I'm coming, my precious Serenity. I will be right by your side. I mean, I'm coming my precious Dominator. I'm in love with Dominator, not Serenity."

His cell was on the opposite side of the facility to Dominator.

"AUGH! I forgot, you can't choose cells when you go to jail, and they will not be able to read your mind and from there know that you prefer to be placed in any particular cell."

Brock was bored for the next however long he spent in jail. He had absolutely nothing to do and that was very bad. Being bored for however long he was in there is very bad. It was not fun. It sucked very much. Imagine being grounded for the whole summer but a lot worse. Even worst of all, the superglue holding his eyelids shut was coming off. For so long he had relied on echolocation to tell where anything was, what anything looked like, and even to navigate that suddenly opening his eyes and being able to see would be an immense shock. Since Frozen 2 had come out sometime, the radio stations now played that movie's signature song on repeat ceaselessly. What song was that, you might be wondering. Ain't it Fun by Paramore, covered by Idina Menzel who used some kind of voice changing software to sound just like Hayley Williams so the average person wouldn't be able to tell the difference. This song that's basically tough love in a catchy tune was basically a central theme of one of the major turning points in the story.

Brock really wished he had the thing I mentioned earlier. He tried to cover his ears but he remembered that he couldn't because he had sliced both of his ears off so that Misty wouldn't be able to drag him away from the love of his life. He had put duct tape over his ear holes so that blood wouldn't be leaking. Since he could not cover his ears and duct tape is not sound proof, there was no way to protect himself against the unfathomable torture of an overplayed to death song. _I really wish I had the Millennium Theramin._


	33. The Black Parade and Christmas

Chapter 33: The Black Parade and Christmas

A line of ten year old Pokemon trainers was walking the streets, proud of their ability to stop any duel by capturing all the cards and thus getting one step closer to becoming Pokemon masters, and the hospital staff had no choice but to let them because refusing treatment to a ten year old kid who's burned beyond recognition because of suspicion of what they might do is just wrong. They were known as the Black Parade because their skin was all charred. For some reason there was an actual audience. Was this an actual, organized event? There was also a carnival with rides alongside. One of the safety warnings on the rides read 'do not ride if you have severe burns on much of your body.' Another one was 'do not ride if you have a beer belly. We've had numerous women in the past who have wanted to ride rides while pregnant but they pretended to just have big beer bellies, so we let them on, then they sued us when the fetus vomited inside their womb, and then when it came out of their vagina, the baby was just about brain dead because it's too weak to handle the G-forces. So we don't want anything that could be misinterpreted as pregnancy. Not even men with beer bellies can board either because this is a fanfic written by a drunk author, so I am not prepared to rule out the possibility of men getting pregnant.'

"I LOST AGAINST JOEY!" Kaiba was driving a train on the street and he yelled as he was doing that. He collided into the parade. Thankfully no one was seriously injured but damn, watch where your going. You need to control you're temper. "I'm still mad about that, even 3 years later! RAWR!" Kaiba started transforming. His skin was turning scaly, and he grew bat wings. His neck grew really long. He also grew a tail. Yup, Kaiba was turning into a dragon. "Kill Joey, kill Joey," he chanted in a monotone voice. How did he do that? Same way as Maleficent and Lady Tremaine in a stupid Cinderella sequel I'm maybe going to write in the future. But first I need to watch Cinderella 3 a twist in time because inspiration. Dragon Kaiba flew out of the train and breathed fireballs in every direction. "Tournament cannot go on cuz I lost! Joey, where are you!" Dragon Kaiba wreaked havoc on the carnival. He caused a ferris wheel to disconnect from the supports, and it rolled down the midway like a regular wheel. I totally did not rip that off of Fox and the Hound 2 or Sharknado. Kaiba breathed fire once more. The Black Parade became even blacker. Another round of fire power and the Black Parade became so black it sucked in all light like a black hole. It sucked in the entire carnival, and then some of the buildings beyond the carnival. _Oh no, what have I done?_ Kaiba ate about a trillion donuts just to become super fat so he could plug u the black hole he created with his fiery breath. Now nothing else could get sucked into the black hole, but Kaiba was to be stuck to that spot for all time.

Yugi woke up to find that his Millennium Puzzle was gone. "Someone stole my puzzle! Grrr!" Yugi knocked on Joey's apartment door. "Someone stole my puzzle, and since you're a dog, can you follow the scent trail of whoever stole it?"

"I AM NOT A DOG! Just for that, I will flush your puzzle down the toilet!" Joey went back to the bathroom. Yugi did not expect to find the culprit this easily. He also did not expect it to be his "friend." Yugi and Joey raced to the bathroom, trying to get there before the other.

"If you want it, you're gonna have to duel me for it!" Joey laughed.

"Alright, fine. I accept," Yugi conceded. "Why are you suddenly interested in my puzzle? You know it isn't a Millennium Theramin, right?" Yugi put on his duel disc. "I only need to play a single card. Sharknado, obliterate!" The Sharknado Card had the error message pop up. "Seriously? I don't remember anyone catching Sharknado! Or Dark Magician Girl. Or Blue Eyes White Dragon. Or Dark Magician. Or Light Magician. Or Monty Python foot… etcetera." Joey was having the same problem. His Red Eyes Black Dragon was useless.

"Okay, here's your puzzle back. I only wanted to exercise my brain because the vocal cord puzzle looks way too hard, and the Rubik's Cube looks way too easy. The Millennium Puzzle looks to be right about lukewarm difficulty. I like things that are in that sweet spot where it's not easy enough to be boring, and not challenging enough to be frustrating."

"In that case, there's a simple solution for that. I'll go down to the local University, which has a 3D printer, and 3D print my puzzle, piece by piece, so that you can have your own puzzle, and I can have my own puzzle. Kay?"

"I have no idea why I didn't think of that. Um where's Serenity? I haven't seen her in a while." Was Joey finally worried about his sister? I hope so, otherwise he's a heartless bass turd.

Yugi turned on the news. There were news reports all over about duelists suddenly unable to use their cards because the holograms are replaced with error messages, blaming those damn Pokemon trainers. He wanted to watch something more light hearted. He turned to Cartoon Network. The season premier of Steven Universe was on. The plot shifted into a darker and edgier cartoon that tried its hardest to get crap past the radar at the expense of good writing. There were more poop jokes than whip cracks in Johnny Test. Speaking of Johnny Test, the animation was about like that, whipcracks and all. The whipcracks were replaced with fart sounds. Steven was now buff and slim, and the gems were now turned into ponies for some reason. Also, Steven's mom turned out to be Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger force. Also, the main villain was an anthropomorphic tanning bed. Also, there was about as much continuity as The Simpsons. There was a knock at the door. Yugi opened it. It was the HADES group.

"Sorry for being terrorists. Since we are no longer Steven Universe fans because they changed it now it sucks, we see no more reason to care about how people draw fan art."

During the last commercial break of the episode, a commercial for Duel Mon5ters new album came on. Instead of the bubblegum pop rock about silly love songs that's typical for boy bands, their new album was now a heavy metal and dubstep politically charged concept album that's about police brutality and the recent surge in gun violence. The episode ended with Steven becoming high on meth. Yugi heard another knock on the door. It was ZEUS this time.

"Sorry for becoming terrorists. Now that Duel Mon5ters is evolving toward a darker and edgier metallic dubstep style about protesting things going on in the United States, we see no more reason to still be fans of them, so we no longer care if people dislike their music, hate on fans, or write lemon fics about the members. I liked them solely for their boy band musical style and their good looks, not their changed image of looking like intimidating, long-haired metal headed delinquents."

Now they didn't have to worry about the fanbase wars that threatened to erupt into something worse even tho they never really did much harm.

For Christmas, Joey got a 3D printed Millennium Puzzle. Serenity got a 1-up mushroom and a vocal cord entanglement puzzle. She also got about 29,000 of the 50,000 items she requested. A huge circular trench had to be dug underneath the tree just to fit all of Serenity's gifts. She had to use a crane just to lift the bottom-most gifts out. Speaking of which, the crane and a crane operator's license were also on the list, and she also go those too. Too bad a crane operating license doesn't automatically give someone the knowledge of how to operate a crane. Serenity spent about 6 hours trying to figure out the controls when she eventually figured it out through a lengthy trial and error process. She also nearly knocked over the tree. The license was just so that the police don't punish her for using it without a license. I just remembered, the crane was also wrapped. Right beside the Christmas tree, when Serenity got up, she noticed a crane shaped structure of wrapping paper. Hard to keep something like that a surprise, isn't it? Unwrapping it in its entirety involved using a stepladder. There was so much wrapping paper covering her crane, her parents had to rent a U-Haul just to take it to the recycling plant. It took all day and some of the next few days to unwrap all her Christmas gifts. I am too lazy to mention what all she got for Christmas, since listing all 29,000 items is very mentally and physically taxing. Some of it was shoes, a bluray of Coraline 2, a bluray of Monsters University 2 and its prequel Monster High School, some new shoes, cuz women like shoes, a puppy, which was also wrapped, and Kaizo Mario World 3 on a SNES cart. She already had a SNES to play it on. Monster High School was a crossover with Monster High. As soon as she opened her official English translation of MOTHER 3, she knew that 2016 would be an awesome year.


	34. Oops I Did it Again

**Chapter 34: Oops I Did it Again**

Serenity died. There, now I don't have to worry about forgetting her when I promised to focus more on her. Actually she didn't. I wrote that she got a 1-up for Christmas because I forgot that I hadn't killed her before this chapter, and I thought I had. I thought she had died, and that's why she got the 1-up mushroom.

Anyway, Serenity won a trip to South Bumblefuck by entering some kind of sketchy sweepstakes deal on a Go-gurt commercial. Even tho it said it expired 1999 that was not the case. Oh wait, the yogurt itself expired in 1999 but the deal was still happening even in early 2016. She ate the expired in 1999 yogurt and it tasted good. Then again she thinks everything tastes good, even moldy radioactive sludge, which is still healthier than the McDonald's menu. In fact, there was a restaurant somewhere in South Bumblefuck that had moldy radioactive sludge on the menu. It was frequently advertised as being a healthier alternative to McDonald's. No one liked the stigma of having to go up 1 or 2 jeans sizes. The Wheeler family took a vacation to South Bumblefuck and went to McMickey's to order a Radioactive Isotope Burger. Serenity had to go to the bathroom. When she looked in the toilet, she saw that someone had thrown their Pokemon Y game into the toilet, along with various forms of body waste. She fished it out using a fishing rod and a worm. The Pokemon Y game bit the worm and she reeled it up. It was wiggling like an actual fish would if she was going fishing. She dropped it in the sink and washed it with copious amounts of water and soap. It accidentally fell down into the sink drain. Oh no! With precious little time, Serenity stuck her finger down at the base of her throat and made herself throw up. She did this and massively exhaled at the same time until she was skinny enough to fit through the sink drain so she could chase after the Pokemon game. Hard to believe someone would stick a Pokemon game in the toilet. Unless it was a gen 6 game. Serenity could understand, but she was also curious about what the game itself is like since she literally didn't know anything about it. The pipe was like a big ol' waterslide that was completely in the dark.

She landed in a sewer, with the game cart just ahead of her. She grabbed the game cart with her fishing lie again and climbed up thru a manhole cover. Unfortunately she could not go through it because it's a MAN hole cover, not a woman hole cover. Why does it have to be so sexist? She cut all her hair off using the fishing hook and said something in a deep voice, and flexed her muscles. She was able to go up through it now. Unfortunately it was in the middle of heavy traffic, and she was underneath a lorry. She carefully climbed all the way out and wiggled carefully under the lorry. The light was still red. Good. She crawled underneath it, then climbed on top of the adjacent car and skipped across as if she was playing 'the floor is made of lava.' When she got to the other side she immediately learned why traffic was backed up. There was a train. No, not a freight train. A long line of ants crossing the street at the intersection that reminded her of a train. The drivers in front were compassionate enough to not want to run over any of the ants even tho they were perfectly capable, and no one would even notice if they did.

"Come on," Serenity yowled louder than a tractor pull drowning out a mouse's squeak. "THE LIGHT IS GREEN!"

"No can do, because I hate killing bugs. Driving forward any more would cause me to run over these ants, and running over them would mean killing them, and I don't wanna kill them, so I have to stay put." Serenity walked on the line of ants, squishing them. "You may go now," she told the drivers.

"You heartless bastard. I'm gonna call the popo because you just committed murder."

"No, I didn't kill them, I sent them to the Shadow Realm. They are completely unharmed," Serenity corrected.

"Oh yeah, you're right. My bad."

Serenity made it back home to play Pokemon Y. It would not start because they had saved in Lumiose City. Just as well. She was going to start a new game anyway. And then she saved near a taxi in Lumiose City. The game froze. Having just about had it with the easier gym leaders, overly picky word filter, and game breaking bug, she ran over the game with her Hustler mower (she also got a Hustler mower for Christmas, and it was wrapped as well). Hustler mowers are great for shredding video games.


	35. No pressure

**Chapter 35: No pressure**

 **NOTE:** While reading this final chapter, get on SMWCentral dot net, and if you haven't already, click on the tools section and download the SNES SPC player. Then click the SMW music section and search for 'Siren Dance of Dead' and listen to the SPC of that in the SPC player, but crank the speed up to either 125% or 150%, and listen to it like that while reading, just to get a sense of . Actually it doesn't have to be that particular music, but I suggested it because it somehow seems more 'urgent' and it's very catchy. The SMB overworld theme combined with the "hurry up" sound might also work. Either that, or listen to The Final Countdown by Europe. Whichever you prefer.

Ash was beginning to regret his retirement from being a Pokemon trainer, even tho he shouldn't because he accidentally wanted to when he meant to grab milk. "Screw this, I'm going to planet Earth." He somehow ended up in Barcelona Spain. There was a gym there, fortunately. There was also a sharknado but the gym was more interesting to him. Ash signed up and immediately went to the bench press. He downed about 30 gallons of protein shakes and began bench pressing until his arms fell off. No big deal, cuz he was able to duct tape his arms back on and continue with more reps and more weight. His arms weren't getting any bigger even tho he was bench pressing in excess of 800 lbs. What the dealio?

Ash put the weight back up and put the plates back on the racks. A loud noise made him jump. When he jumped he jumped up to the ceiling. _I'm not getting stronger. The gravity in this spot is getting weaker._ Ash turned the gravity dial back to normal earth gravity and resumed his workout. Even tho the gravity dial was back to 1, he found that he could still bench press in excess of 800 lbs. He had been too lazy to rerack the weight plats, and they were still sitting on the barbell since the last set. His arms and chest suddenly got overly inflated with muscles.

Out of boredom, Ash decided to arm wrestle the gym staff. He didn't just win, he broke the gym staff's arms.

Ash got insanely buff in all areas of his body, and decided to sign up for the annual bodybuilding competition. He ate nothing but protein bars and drank nothing but protein shakes, and he breathed nothing but protein air. All this made him hit early puberty. His Pokeballs dropped, so now he could catch Pokemon again! Unfortunately they were merely Pokeballs. No matter. Ash had the technical skill to hack the Pokeballs to convert them into Master balls, even tho he's stupid. Why hadn't he thought of this before?

Meanwhile, all Yu-Gi-Oh cards were recycled because they could no longer produce holograms, and they were still useless despite that because no one ever fought a regular duel without holograms because they're boring. So Pegasus had to make all new cards because of this, so that people could have a way to settle differences. Tea was getting fat somehow. Her BMI was 30 something, I think. Rather than diet and exercise, she decided to play a Children's card game with her excess body fat. So you see, it wasn't just diseases that duelists would play against. Meanwhile, animal control was hired to kill all Pokemon and burn all Pokeballs in a huge incinerator because Duel Monster holograms need to be perfectly safe from Pokemon trainers. All the would-be Pokemon trainers took up a new hobby: passing around Ash's partially digested Yokai watch that he puked up that one time when he had a stomach flu. They could not figure out how to use it. It was still a more fun puzzle to them than the vocal untangle puzzle, which got exceedingly poor reviews on Amazon.

James just now remembered the book he checked out from the library, the one called Yu-Gi-OhMon. Strangely enough it wasn't an exact script of this fanfic. It was a quiz about some of the various events of this fanfic. Very strange indeed. It too was passed around to every named character in this fanfic because it seemed like a fun little game. Unfortunately a lot of the questions were impossible because I have not gone into explicit detail. One of the questions was "where was the Christmas tree when the Wheelers were opening their Christmas presents?" There was also "Name one of Joey's Christmas gifts." Every named character was panicking immensely. They all knew I have less than 600 words left till I hit 50,000, and yet none of them felt like they really did anything to make this an engaging plot. They knew I could if I wanted to, but I don't feel like it. Tough.

Serenity held hands with Joey, who held hands with Yugi, who held hands with Misty, etc. All the named characters held hands forming a huge circle. I dunno what next. Since Team Rocket was nice for once, even getting people gifts for Christmas to take some of the edge off of Santa Clause, who was head of the NSA, they became like Francis in the Arthur episode Meek for a Week. They donated, gave, and prayed for people experiencing hardships. Because they were so nice, they felt like exploding. Jessie, James, and Meowth's heads all shot off of their bodies and sailed over the city, landing in a neighborhood, and into someone's yard.

"Mommy, there's two peoples' heads in the yard and a cat head in the yard as well," a kid said to his mom. There was no blood because blood doesn't exist in 4kids cartoons. None of the above actually happened. Yes it did.

The circle of characters sang the lyrics to the King of the Hill theme song while a huge fire burned around them. The smoke spiraled upward and made a huge spiral in the sky, and then the ashes fell into the lake, falling spirally. The fire was caused by someone spitting, and someone was in the mood for the equivalent of Kumbaya. Yugi looked in horror. This better not be turning into Uzumaki. No, it shouldn't. So he bought a shovel from Gamestop and began to dig human shaped holes in a rock wall, and climbed into one of them. He would like it better than spirals because it could be a way to easily get slimmer if someone needed it. Yugi came out the other side looking like E.T. "E.T. phone home," he said. He called his home planet on his Smartphone. "Yeah, you guys left me behind. Please turn around and go fetch me. Geez, you're a terrible family. Suck my glowing finger."

Tea saw her hole and went through it. She had beaten her own fat in duel monsters so now she was slim again. If you're wondering, she used the Seal of Orichalcos. When she emerged, she was totally the same. No deformations. No body horror. She went back through it. It was kinda fun, and intimate. Then, for no reason at all, everyone in the world lost the game. And then they screamed. One of the screams sounded like the Howie long scream. Another sounded like a fusion of the Wilhelm scream and suicide mouse. Then Slenderman came. He visited everyone in the world and they all saw him. The Slenderman jump scare scene played for everyone. Then static. The static became bored at having nothing to do.

"10 hours of idleness, and I don't even get to listen to music on headphones. This is stupid," the static ranted. "I have the most depressing job in the world." The static summoned his team leader.

"Yeah, I'm thinking about quitting. I have about 400 other jobs right now, so no big whoop. Maybe more, maybe less, depending on how many people lose internet or power."

"But you're my favorite employee. You got employee of the month for about 39 consecutive months. Far more than any other I've had the pleasure of working with."

"Other companies exist."

"You're fired. There are no other companies. Don't even try to mention that there are."

The static went home and slept. He did not really feel bad at all. In fact, he felt great, since he could tickle himself. And he did. It was his favorite thing to do.


End file.
